...on days like this I just need to vent. Sorry but I need to get this out. I came out in April (near Easter), to my family (friends already knew mostly). Since then my mother's had a tough time dealing with it and the "vision she had for her eldest daughter". I thought things were going to get better but they keep developing into negative things. For instance, she'll see something gay on tv and make nasty remarks on it (when I'm in the room or hearing distance), or she'll hear that I was hanging out with friends (and asks if they're bi or gay and if I "did them all"), or even if I meet people off the internet just to f***. I do have a couple gay/bi friends but I have by far way more straight friends. And anyway, I don't sleep with them-I'd rather have a steady relationship with a woman. This morning she called and I answered, hoping she was being hapy today. She asked if I could fix something with the computer and I said sure. I said I could do it later though and she asked why I was busy and I replied that I was hanging out with a friend. Female? Yes. ...Then of course she goes: "Did you meet her online?" (which I happened to through a gay chat). And we've hung out a few times-purely platonic. And she goes ape on me, saying I'm so disgusting and wrong and going to Hell... (SHE'S NOT EVEN CHRISTIAN!!) I just... feel so low, like nothing I can do can satisfy her. I'm in my final year of uni, and living seperate from her, but I can't escape her nasty/negative influence. And it's affecting sleep, how I eat and everything... And I've told her to go talk to a counsellor but she says I'm the one who needs counselling for "my problem"(aka being gay). Does anyone have advice? Maybe...?
Hi there! It sounds like that on the one hand your mum is having a hard time with coming around to it, while on the other, she seems to be concerned about your safety and well being. Have you tried giving her some educational material? The other thing you could try doing, and I don't know if it is possible where you live, but maybe try contacting a support group, and see if someone would be willing to talk to your mum about LGBT issues and coming out and what it actually means to be (in your case) a Lesbian. Also, another suggestion that comes to mind is perhaps trying to introduce a couple of your friends to your mum? You mentioned that you are living away from your mum, but when you do get the chance to go back home, would you have a possibility to introduce some of your friends that are supportive of you to your mum? Although your mum might still be dismissive and still not understand it, but seeing you with friends that support you, she might get a different sense of your safety and that it is totally alright who you are, and that there are people who support and accept you. That said, it sounds like that your mum has a real hard time dealing with it, and there is very little you can do, except trying to educate her, and letting her know that you are safe. Try not to get into an argument with your mum about it. If you see that the conversation moves into arguments and a fight, stop the conversation, and just say "I thought I could talk to you about it and I really hoped you would start understanding. I hope you can start understanding who I am, because I do want you in my life. Maybe we will talk later." See what she says. If you feel you don't want to talk to her at this point, just say I will call you in a couple of days. Give her some time to process the message. Then give it another go. It might sound harsh, and difficult to say, but I think you need to find a way to end the conversation before it slides into an argument. I hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
Thankyou Mirko for your response. I'll try that method of bringing a few friends home for dinner. I hope it'll work.
I've dealt with this myself, my mom still doesn't believe me thats I'm gay. She stil hasn't come to the fact into believing you and tends to be paranoid. The same thing has happened, she suggest if I'm meeting anyone when I go for walks, or if people whom I hang with are gay, and she often brings in dumb ideas about what being gay is about and how disgusting it is, and unnatural. And pretty much everything that relates to gay is looked in a negative way. This may hurt you a bit or alot but one day she'll realize that thats just how things are, and being gay makes someone who they are. You just need to have a chat with her and explain and give her the ability to ask question so she understands better. Bring a girlfriend over so she can meet her and see let her see for herself that its who you are. If you can't please her then don't live up to it, don't bring yourself down so much. And remember that family loves you no matter what. She needs to realize that you are still who you are and you matter to her. Talk with her and explain.
Mirko nailed it but ill have my say anyways she might not be full on religious, but there might still be some ideas and attitudes in her head that have stemmed from religion. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or anything like that, she's probably saying those hurtful things because she thinks she is doing what is best for you. as her daughter, she'll want to protect you no matter what. Right now, she wants to protect you from becoming what she sees as a bad person. so of course it won't be easy for her to understand that it's a part of who you are. as Mirko said, you don't want to argue about it to heavily, and try to educate her as much as you can.
As been said, it takes two to tango. Don't get embroiled in arguments with her. "Mom, not everyone I hang out with is gay, and even if I do hang out with other lesbians, that doesn't mean I'm having sex with them. I appreciate your concern, but know that I'm very cautious and selective about who I get involved with." Finit. She can argue more if she likes, but keep going back to that statement, and don't get involved. Lex
You mom definitely needs an education. Buy her the book "Now That You Know". I liked Mirko's suggestion of bringing your friends home too. Good luck!
I would certainly warn your friends first before leading them into the lions den... That might make for a very uncomfortable dinner - depending on how you approach it. Are there others at home (dad? siblings?) who would also be there? Who could set an example for your mom? Basically, you can't change your mom any more than she can change you. So what Mirko is suggesting here is that you set some boundries. She simply isn't allowed to speak to you that way - and she needs to be told that if she does, the conversation will end. And then you have to follow through. If she can't respect you, then you simply can't spend time with her.
I see a lot of people telling you not to fight, but if that isn't the kind of person you, I'm not, then here what I suggest. Well, I have had a lot XP with parents, and not just my own. Let me tell you, your mother is being childish and selfish. She seems to have the minds set that she can shame you into being straight, or whatever she wants you to be. While each situation differs I have found that fighting fire with fire seems most effective. The goal is not to say the nastiest thing or to get the last word, but to show that you will not stand there have someone talk down to you. One important question: do you live at home? it sounds like you do. If so and your Mom is talking trash where you can hear just tell her: "I thought you were the adult and I was the wily child, so why are you actting this way." "If you're trying to hurt my feelings Mom, thanks, you succeeded." or the direct, direct approch: "Alright Mom, you want to have this out? Let's talk about how disapointed you are in your gay daughter; and I can tell you how much I hate having a closed minded mother." And here is the harsh reality: parents aren't perfect. It is something we learn when we hit adulthood and it is kind of a hard lesson.
We are living seperate but she contacts me on an almost daily basis to talk and invite me over (which I sometimes have to put weeks between us). Thankyou for all of the advice. I'll let you know how it goes.
