Come out but still unsure

It's not abnormal to go to gay sites and not feel as if you could have a relationship with the guys on them. They are pretty much only on the site to satisfy your sexual appetite (hm, a rhyme), so you don't see them for their personality, which is no fault of your own because they don't show you any personality.

Society can be partially to blame for this one. Beginning when we're little, we're told that girls fall in love with guys and vice versa. Think about all the times an older relative asks a little kid if he has a little girlfriend or if she has a little boyfriend. Knowing we're raised to think that homosexuality is wrong, my guess is that you are bisexual, but you've never let yourself feel any real attraction towards men.

Of course, maybe you just haven't found the right guy. Since there are many more straight girls than openly gay guys, you've probably just pursued relationships with girls because they are, for the lack of a better term, more readily available.

If you've only been attracted to guys a few times, then it's definitely a possibility. However, if it happens a lot, then it's unlikely.

Let me answer your question with a question of my own: if the right girl came along, would you completely focus on her and not worry about focusing on other girls? If you're bi, then my guess is that your attractions for girls and guys are, internally, no different from each other, so as long as you can keep from checking out other girls, guys shouldn't be a problem either. Of course, I'm not bi, so I can't say that for sure.


Good luck figuring this whole thing out. I know that the time when you are trying to figure what your sexuality is can be a scary time, so I wish you only the best. And know that, no matter what your sexuality is, you'll always find a supporting community here at EC.

 

Hello Smithy88,

Welcome to EC.Thank you for sharing this story - I have to admit that there is no quick and easy solution. I would like to begin by saying that I will try to give some advice as best as I can. What I have to offer is not the final answer. To begin with our sexuality is a very mysterious thing. It has a lot to do with our feelings and what attracts us to a person. However, we must keep in mind that we are human too and that becoming serious with someone involves more than just sex. It involves enjoying being with the person (sharing time) learning more about who they are as well as being there for them when they are facing challenges too. My thoughts are to say that you should take some time to reflect upon how you feel about both male and female companions and ask yourself - is it just for sex or is there more (friendship, companionship and closeness).

I know I may sound old fashioned but perhaps if you take some time away from interacting with male / female in a sexual way and just spend time with either one to enjoy his or her company I am sure that things might become more clearer. The truth comes down to which ever one you feel more drawn to and enjoy companionship with - this might point you in the right direction.

I hope this helps. It is sometimes difficult to try to explain all of this over the internet, but I tried my best. Feel free to drop me a note if you would like to discuss this further.

Take your time.

Keep in contact.
careandrespect.

 

Basically I'm going to echo what Gamer am I said, only a bit more bluntly in my own special way. :lol:

Please keep in mind this is PURELY my personal opinion and I'm obviously basing this only on the half-page you wrote.

My gut take would be that you're gay. Not bi, not straight but really really horny, just gay.

Why? Because I've lost track of how many times I have met, talked to, read about gay guys who initially start out with (usually in their teens/early twenties) "I fall in love with women but I get hard for men." As Gamer am I said, that, to me, is simply social programming, that we grow up believing and being told (repeatedly) that men are cold and sexually animalistic and women are warm and loving and affectionate. So people begin making a (totally artificial) distinction between sex and love. And men == sex and women == love. And there is no overlap in that particular worldview.

As someone else here is fond of saying (sorry I've forgotten who), the proof is usually in the porn. If you are consistently and repeatedly going to images/videos of men to get off, that to me screams GAY GAY GAY. You even say that you don't initially get turned on by women. That, to me, does not sound very "straight." I'm pretty sure the straight guys I know regularly get instantly turned on by women they find attractive. Now maybe if you just didn't get quickly aroused by anyone, I would be willing to believe you weren't wired for that, but if you do for guys and you don't for women... well, you probably see what I'm getting at.

Of course, given how it seems to be set up, it is really completely easy to look at that and go, "Well my 'urges' for men are more base/primal (and ergo 'bad/dirty') while my wonderful bright shiny noble LOVE for women is what I should be focusing on." However, I would hazard a guess that any successful straight relationship involves (at least initially) quite a decent amount of sexual chemistry of the instant-arousal type. So I'm not saying you are incapable of having loving, affectionate, companionable relationships with women--I'm just saying why would you want to? I mean, have JUST that? It seems, to me at least, that a full-on relationship is full spectrum and involves mental, spiritual, AND physical dimensions and compatibility.

Add to that you've been at college for 2 years now and haven't had, from the sound of it, any relationships with women (or any significant ones), and I know how I'd vote.

I'm not saying you're 100% gay... maybe you're a Kinsey 4 or 5 given you can be comfortably in a relationship with a woman. But you don't sound at all to me like a "pure" 50/50 bisexual (ha ha). And I'm totally not saying that kind of "even keel" bisexuality (oh the funny keeps coming) doesn't exist. It just doesn't sound like how you've described yourself.

You sound like a gay guy who hasn't (and frankly, it's damn hard so don't feel badly) gotten past all the homo-negative crap out there and so you're stuck believing that gay relationships are purely lust-driven sexcapades that don't offer any chances for intimacy beyond the relatively shallow and definitively physical kind.

And now I'll tell you what I REALLY think. :lol:

But if find all that I've said somewhat off-putting, you might want simply to ask yourself this: have you ever felt as hot for a woman as you have for guys? Because that might be a very key question.

 

Hi-
Well it sounds to me like you may be "bi-curious". This is when you are attracted to both sexes, but you could only see your self in a relationship with a woman. A bisexual is one who is attracted to both sexes and could see them selves in relationships with both sexes. However, some people may consider them selves bi-curious, and just havent come out to themselves yet.
I also had a time like this in my life, I could only see my self in a relationship with women and was sexually attracted to men. However, one day it dawned on me that I was gay, it took me a while to accept my self, and even longer to inch my way out of the closet (still a work in progress).
Anyway, best of luck to you
-Bryan

 

First of all, I'm not a man, so maybe I shouldn't respond to this thread, but my journey was somewhat similar, only the other way around.

When I was in college, I would have labeled myself bi-curious. I was still caught up in the whole, "Girls fall in love with boys, get married, have kids crap." However, my roommate was a lesbian, and I was very curious. I always wanted to go to the gay bar with her, but never quite had the guts. One of her friends and I had a mutual crush, but nothing happened. I couldn't quite make that leap yet.

I'm a writer, and about five years after college all of the characters in my stories seemed to either be turning out to be gay. I started thinking about that and reading more and more gay/lesbian literature, and I finally let the label slide to bisexual. I was willing to accept that I would be willing to have a relationship with a woman, but I still had the mentality of "i need a man to get married."

About a year after that, I finally had to admit that I just wasn't attracted to men the way I am to women. I know the stereotype is that lesbians are man haters, but I've had a lot of male friends who were just friends. I won't discount the possibility that I might meet a man that I would fall head over heels for, I don't think it's likely, but I won't discount it. I believe we fall in love with people not genders, but I'm comfortable with the fact that I really would rather have a love relationship with a woman than a man.

I think you just have to give yourself time. I think you have to learn to be really honest with yourself. You have to look at your relationships and decide what really works for you. Wait for the right person to come along, male or female, and be open to a relationship with either one.

 

dude i totally understand u.
i am only 15 but our cases sound extremely similar.
i would want both gay and straight sex, but to be in a gay relationship just doesnt appeal to me.
i think the only way i could go into a gay relat. is if the guy was really hot and mr. perfect

 

I'm the same as smithy and ppreston.

I look at gay porn more often than straight or lesbian porn but that doesn't mean I don't like it. I LOVE it.

 

I can't remember who said this either, but it's one of the wisest things said on EC.

 

I always hate following up on one of these after JoeyConnick has wandered through, since he usually hits these things dead on. In this case, I see no exception to that. A bad combination of social programming seems to be at play here.

Wow, I have to thank you for that! I think that's one of the few times I've been called "wise."

 

:icon_redf

Awww... thanks! That's really nice of you to say.

It is a very good axiom, I agree.