Hello! I really need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we just recently got engaged. He is 24. I have found out in the past month he has been cheating on me online emailing a few (female) hookers off craiglist etc. He says he never met up with any of them. He said he did it because he has low self esteem. He then said that he didnt know if he was Bi and started questioning his sexuality. When i asked why he thought he was he said that he wasnt manly looking. He also said he didnt like cars or anything like that so he thought that this was what he was supposed to be. He joined a few Bi websites and gay meeting sites and now he has come to the conclusion that he is 100% straight. We are going to counselling to work through the lies and deceit etc but I am not sure that he can be 100% straight. I can get over the lies etc but I cant get over not knowing what he is. He swears to me that he is straight and that he was just very confused. He says that he didnt enjoy the thought of being with another man. I just dont understand if someone is straight then why they would have these thoughts or even go as far as joining websites to find out. From personal experience and opinion do you think my boyfriend is hiding his true sexuality? I have asked him and he says hes not but something just doesnt feel right. Thanks a lot in advance and hopefully I can shed some light on this.
Well, after going on a bit of a search about his sexuality and coming to the conclusion that he is straight, he's probably straight, and only thought he might be gay or bi because of this ridiculous notion that if you aren't masculine looking, like cars, sports etc. that you must love teh cock. Or maybe he found out that he is bi and is so worried what his girlfriend might think about this that he decided to say that he is 100% straight. I mean, after all, it seems like a pretty big deal to you. Why not just be happy that he wants you? I seriously think a bunch of lies and what amounts to emotional infidelity is a far bigger deal than whether he might also like men, if he does want to stay with you. So, if you think that he would be afraid of your reaction to him being bi, then maybe he is, though that's no proof in any case. If not, he's probably straight.
Welcome to EC! If your fiance is not attracted to men, he is not bisexual or gay. It sounds like he's pretty confused, though. My guess is that he joined those websites in order for him to start figuring himself out, and now he has figured himself out. Most people are not 100% straight (or 100% gay). If he's not attracted to men, though, and his doubts about his sexuality were more about him not conforming to society's bullshit idea of what makes a man, I would say he's very much on the straight end of the spectrum. It sounds to me like the problem is about you not trusting him, not about him having been confused about his sexuality in the past. I'd say the best thing to do is possibly keep attending the counselling (to work through his low self-esteem and your lack of trust in him), and try to listen to what he's telling you.
Thanks so much for your advice guys. I am very supportive of him and I told him that I would love and accept him for whatever he is. I have just heard so many stories of guys in denial that get married and have kids and everyone just gets hurt. I dont want that for me or my future children. I have no problem with his sexuality but I want to know the truth. To me I want to believe he's straight but theres just a nagging feeling..
Im guessing he is on some level bisexual, but *most* likely not a strong enough level to do much of anything about it. Most people are in one way or another somewhat bisexual. Its the kinsey scale. 1 is 100% hetero, 6 is 100% homo, and 2 to 5 fall in varing degrees between the two. I would say hes most likely a 2 or maybe a 3. You, in my opinion, are right when you said "I just dont understand if someone is straight then why they would have these thoughts or even go as far as joining websites to find out". People dont just come to sites like this one for no reason, they want something from the site. In your case, info on if your boyfriend might not be. In his case, if he may not be as straight as he thinks. (something thats completely fine to do, and on that note, Welcome to Empty Closets (*hug*)) Here is the kicker: If you trust him, and i mean really trust him, and he says he is straight, then he is straight. He may have on some level feelings for guys still, but it seems like he has worked out on his own that these feelings are not stronger than his for you and so he is calling himself straight, and he has every right to. Your going to have to just trust him and go with it if you have faith in him. If you dont believe him, and i honestly dont completely blame you if you dont, then you need to work that out. That involves talking to him about the subject, not us. We can only give you advice, your the one who has a relationship and is close to the man. Talk to him if you need to. When you do, show him your not ashamed, afraid, or repulsed by the idea of him being bisexual. Tell him everything you need to him hear, then be ready for anything in response. I know you said you asked him, but this time maybe trying...telling? Take the reigns of the conversation and make it go where you want it to go. I hope some of this helps. You obviously care about the guy, so i hope it works out for the best. Remember, hes most likely a 2 or 3 on the scale if anything, and that means you two can live an amazing life together. Good luck (*hug*)
Eh, fuck it, same thing Its been awhile since i read about the whole thing, since im like a 6.5 i dont really need it o_o
I always figured it was more of a cartesian plane, with x axis as attraction to opposite sex and y axis as attraction to same sex. That was it accounts for asexual people, and I like cartesian planes And the slope from the origin could be something like the kinsey scale (with a divide by zero error for asexual people).
Riiiiiight.... Getting back to the topic: I think that your fiance just feels "unmanly". If he really does have low self-esteem, he may not feel masculine enough for whatever reason. Perhaps he saw a very well-built, "manly" gay couple and thought he is even "less masculine" than them, so he thought he could be gay, or at least bi. It sounds, to me, that he is confusing sexuality with masculinity/effiminancy. Having a balance is ideal, but men prefer to think of themselves as (and want others to see them as) masculine, because all media tell us that it is attractive and sexy. He may feel he is not sexy enough for you. This is just my alternative POV, because the other options are already given to you... However, your intuition is usually correct. He may have never explored these options before as a teenager if he couped up his emotions (low-self esteem?), so now he has a chance. He is trying to find out for himself so he doesn't hurt you. Good luck Hope this helped a bit.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I'm one of those men who didn't recognize or determine and accept my orientation until after I was married and with kids. And yes, when the truth came out it was very disruptive to our family. It gives my kids an additional challenge in life - having a gay dad. (Not that my wife or I let this or our past bother us - it is what it is and we're thankful for so many things that we don't dwell on the negatives.) However, coming from someone who lied and cheated and denied my orientation to myself and to my wife, I think you have reason to be nervous. Coming out is a very scary thing. Because things change - lots of things. And we all fear change in our lives. We fear the unknown. So right now, your boyfriend has you - his fiance. He has a very typical and 'normal' life laid out ahead of himself - with a wife and kids and a house in the burbs. What everyone grows up wanting and eventually getting. He might be worried about losing all of those things if he were to come out. He might also have a loving family and lots of friends - who he might also fear losing if he were to come out. Of course, we eventually discover that it isn't all that bad to come out. We feel better for doing so. We don't lose everything, and we often gain more than we lose because of our improved attitudes and outlook on life. Your boyfriend has some unresolved issues for sure - if he is chatting with prostitutes and responding to craigslist ads. And if he is also questioning his orientation, one of those unresolved issues might be just that. That's what I found, anyway. Before I finally admitted I was gay, I had cheated on my wife with other men. I always thought I was simply 'curious'. Or that I simply needed to 'get it out of my system'. I needed to experiment - because I had never done it growing up. But once I tried it, I wasn't satisfied. It wasn't something that was going to go away. But I was figuring all this out in my early 30s! I can't speak for 'straight' guys, because I'm not one. But I don't think many of them 'wonder' if they're bi or gay. To me, that's a sign that you aren't straight - to some degree. (If only there was a 'straight' web forum where you could go and ask that question...) So counselling for him and for you and for both of you together is a very good idea. Can I ask if he'd had any / many girlfriends before you? How did the two of you meet?
I'm going to diverge a little from the general consensus here. If he is lying to you, emailing hookers, joining websites to talk to guys, he is one very confused person indeed, who has a lot of personal integrity issues. I think counseling is an excellent idea, but I would very, very strongly recommend you not even be thinking about marriage for at least a year or two. It sounds like he has some pretty serious issues, and when people have the combination of deceitful behavior and low self-esteem, that isn't something that changes with a few sessions of therapy; it is, at minimum, a one to two year process for them to really understand themselves and learn how to heal the broken parts of self. Making plans to marry him soon is a very risky proposition, and will likely result in your getting hurt, either by his later deciding he's gay, or by his acting out and cheating on you or otherwise lying or acting out of integrity because of the esteem issues. And I think there is a substantial chance that he is gay, or bi-leaning-toward-gay. Someone with low self-esteem is going to have a hard time being honest, even to someone they *want* to be honest with, about something so emotionally charged. He may not even be able to be honest with himself, and be convincing himself that he's not gay or bi. Affirming to you that he's straight could be a way of his trying to affirm that to himself and further reinforce the denial; I know many, many guys who have done exactly that and then come out a few months (or sometimes years) later. So I would say give it time. He sounds like fundamentally a good and caring person, but if your relationship is going to be meaningful and last over the long term, he will need to really work hard on the esteem issues, and with the questions now, I would think it's a smart idea to just wait and be with him and support him on his journey. Once he's had time to explore his feelings of low esteem and resolve why they're happening, he will have a better handle on what his sexuality really is, and if he still feels that he has no attraction to men, the two of you will have had more time to develop a deep and meaningful relationship that's more likely to last in the long term.
I don't want to hurt ur feelings but everything he's done hasn't been hugely bad EXCEPT the emailing hookers. That part and cheating is something you should really think about. Good luck
Sure they do. Not all of them for sure, but I know many guys who have wondered about it and come to the conclusion they're straight. And I know plenty of gay guys who have wondered whether they're a little bi or straight and come to the conclusion they're still gay. I guess there might be some latent desire there (I mean, everyone's a little bit bi) but if they call themselves straight, then unless they're screwing/falling in love with/fantasising about guys, that's the best label for them. Some people are just curious and introspective, that's all.
