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Help with making a big decision (possibly even life-changing)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sesshomaru, Nov 22, 2009.

  1. Sesshomaru

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    Now where to start...I guess the basics would be good.
    There's this guy is my first period class that I've had a crush on all year long since I first laid eyes on him. The thing is, I'm not entirely 100% sure if he's straight or not. I have a strong feeling he isn't, but then there's also the chance that he is. He's basically everything that I've ever imagined in dating someone after coming to terms with my own sexuality (he literally is the guy of my dreams). I've been trying to find the courage to talk to him at some point ever since the year began, but I can never bring myself to do it. I'm known to be a very quiet person in class and throughout the school, I rarely speak, and even then it's usually with the shortest answer possible that I can think of.
    I now have two options that I've thought about trying that could actually work. One is to follow my gut and speak to him with something simple to start up any sort of conversation since we've never actually spoken a word to each other (though we do a sort of something that could be considered flirting during class or sometimes if we happen to pass by each other during the school day since two of our other classes are right next door to each other). The other is to just go the rest of my school year as I'm doing now hiding everything and letting any possible opportunity to pass me by unless he openly speaks and hits on me somehow. I'm still in the closet, and either way that I choose to try to find out if he's straight could result in me being forced out the closet and having it revealed to the whole school. The two options are:
    A) Ask a girl in the same class me and the guy have together if she stills attends the GSA that recently started at the school (she told me about it during class) and if she says yes then tell her that I'm not straight and ask if she's ever seen the guy I like there. It'd let me know if he's straight or not since every straight guy at the school avoids that place like it's the plague except VERY few who are part of the student body. The risk here is even if I ask her to keep the secret (and I'm pretty sure she would), there's always the chance she might somehow let it slip.
    B) Find some way of starting a conversation with the guy himself. The only way I could think of is by telling a small lie to him, which I really don't want to do. Even then it would be more than pretty awkward. I also would have to wait until I catch him alone going to class since during class whenever I speak *please don't take this next part as me trying in the least bit to sound conceited* just about every single person's head turns and would make any conversation with him awkward beyond belief.
    Now I've said all of that to ask, does anyone here think I should take the risk of trying to find out this about him? Are there also any suggestions on how I could go about doing this without exposing anything? I also know that if even one person were to find out about my sexuality and tell someone, it'd spread like wildfire. The kids at my school love to gossip ._. Though if talking to the guy lead to dating him, I'd have no problem at all with coming out if he was ready to as well (or if he already isn't since while walking to class behind him once I overheard a girl mention that he's hot and the other responded with "Yeah a lot of girls think so, but too bad since he's gay." I know you can't believe everything you hear though) I plan on already coming out the closet at school during the last week of school in June so I guess it couldn't be all that bad if it happened to happen now. I just really need some advice on this, it's been bugging me all weekend and I've stayed up tilll about 3 a.m both of these past two nights weighing out the possibilities and their results.
    Sorry for the wall of text and thanks for anyone who bothers to read that and replies or just offers some advice period :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Sesshomaru, Nov 22, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2009
  2. Pokerface

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    I vote for option B, what you have to win is much more than what you have to loose :wink: and I think option A is a bit tacky, in a kind of stalker way. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    You're lucky you know he is the guy of your dreams... don't let the opportunity go. Seize the day.

    I haven't met the guy of my dreams yet. But when I do, there's no way I'm letting him escape. xD

    GOOD LUCK, champ!
     
  3. Maddy

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    I think option B would be the best. But why do you have to lie the first time you speak to him? Why not just something like "hey, did you understand question whatever in the homework"?

    Why do you think he's not straight? Is it just based on hope, and interpreting irrelevant things as being signs because you want them to be true? I'm not trying to sound harsh, but a lot of people do that. Also, if you've never spoken to im, what exactly is this flirting you say you do - and how do you know he's the one when you've never held a conversation?
     
  4. Sesshomaru

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    Well yeah option A is a little stalker-ish but it'd be easier than talking though I see your point. I can't think of any other way to talk to him besides that small lie though and I really hate lying for whatever cause.
    The "litteraly the guy of my dreams" part though is a joke between me and a friend here because about 3 of my dreams this past week have involved dating this guy :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  5. Sesshomaru

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    Sorry for not noticing your post Maddy, I'm using a phone for everything I do here and you posted while I was replying.
    The somewhat flirting is from us constantly catching each other staring/taking a look at each other then both smiling/blushing and turning away. Then also from the fact that almost every time one of us gets up in class (we have Ceramics together so the homework suggestion sadly wouldn't work) the other is always right behind us (about 9/10 times). I've done it before just do be near him and I'm pretty sure he does the same since I know there's absolutely no need for him to get up and come to whatever area of the class I'm in almost every time I'm up. I've sometimes even gotten up on purpose when I knew for sure that both of us had everything we could possibly need right in front of us at our desks to see if he'd get up to make sure I wasn't just forcing myself to imagine things and he has. One example of it that sorta made me laugh inside was once when he'd been absent for two days so he'd missed two days worth of notes we had taken and the starting of our project. The notes seriously took everyone a good 40 minutes to copy and then start on our projects. He started the notes, I got up to get an apron, and he did too yet he'd just started the notes and knew there was no way for him to get clay that day since we had a sub. When one of his friends asked why he got the arpron knowing he couldn't get any clay till the next day he ignored it. Though I know there's the chance he possibly somehow forgot even after the sub had just announced that our teacher had left specific instructions for no one to receive clay that was absent until her return the next day, there's still the chance that was also one of the times he got up knowing I was too.
    The lying part was also one of the only things a friend from school that know I'm bi and myself could agree upon that could actually work even with its downside.
    My apologies for the double posting too, the 15 minute time limit for editing expired before I finished typing.
     
    #5 Sesshomaru, Nov 22, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2009
  6. paco

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    i like option C, just start talking to him like you would anyone you would like to be friends with. you don't have to start out with, "i think you're hot, can we go out," of course i'm exaggerating, but the point is its always easier to start making friends by just being friends. plus, if he is gay, it will be a lot easier to just tell once you're friends. and if you do flirt the way you say, then it sounds like he'd be happy if you just started talking to him.

    asking a girl if he's in GSA may not work, not all gays do join those clubs, plus its such a roundabout way to go, and if the girl isnt already your friend, its a bit of an awkward situation because you're kinda using her to get to a guy.

    its really difficult to think about coming out to people, but afterwards, as long as you don't live south of the mason-dixon line or something, it's not generally all that bad, its actually a relief. i waited for summer to come out to give people a chance to hear about it, and let it soak in, before i went back to school, but that didn't really happen anyway. and everything was fine. one of my bigger regrets is just not coming out sooner, so keep that in mind if you think you're ready.
     
  7. Sesshomaru

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    Talking to the guy directly would work, but I have no clue as to what I could say. I'm terrible at starting conversations. Whatever I say would also have to be brief as well because the only time I ever see him alone is on our way to 4th period since our classes are right next door to each other, he normally has a crowd of people around him during snack/lunch so walking up to him then would look a little too weird =/
    Thanks for the advice on coming out though, I've been thinking it over ever since I joined here and since I planned on doing it just before summer, I could do it right before Christmas breaks hoping that two weeks would be long enough.
     
  8. overlucid

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    If you can meet him only briefly at school, why not just say something like "I've got something to tell you, can we meet after school ?".
    Firstly, his answer could give you a clue. Then if agreed, meet him after school.
    Ask first if he can keep a secret, then you have to come out to him. Second clue expected here. His move. If all go well (he is gay or bi), then tell him you want to clarify his feelings about you. You could have been mistaken by the way he acts when you're around. Better be sure. If things go pretty well, then congratulations, you have a boyfriend. Unfortunatelly (?), love implies taking risks. But it's a nice risk to take. What's the worse you can expect ? If the worse is not so bad...
     
  9. Sesshomaru

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    I wouldn't be able to just walk up to him and ask him if he could meet me after school (although it's a very good suggestion) because I've never spoken to him at all before so it'd seem a little weird and may make him avoid me. I need some way of first talking to him, then one day I could ask him if we could talk after school and tell him since I hadn't though of that yet.
    Anyone know anything I could possibly say to start a conversation with him even if it's brief but have it be enough to break the silence barrier between us? Remember, this would have to be something that wouldn't make a quiet person look suspicious.
     
  10. paco

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    talk about a (bogus) assignment the teacher just gave you and hopefully conversation will just flow. just pick something that he will probably agree with.
     
  11. Sesshomaru

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    I'd use that if the teacher ever gave out assignments =/ It's a Ceramics/Pottery/Whatever you want to call it class and all we do in there is make things out of clay. When you don't complete something then you just can't start the next clay project until you finish the one you were supposed to do. Maybe there's some way to turn that into a conversation though.