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I Need Lots of Advice PLEASE!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jordano, Sep 4, 2005.

  1. Jordano

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    Alright, I've been going out with this girl for almost 5 years now, but there's been no sexual chemistry for the past like 2 years, I mean we hardly kiss. It feels like we're just best friends, though I think she's fine with the stage and situation we're at but its far from being physical boyfriend/girlfriend status.
    This past summer I visited someone across the country I met over the internet and we really really hit it off, I think we fell in love, and there was sex, my first time ever yet alone gay experience ever. It was the best week of my life, I had so much and feel so connected with him.
    Now I'm back in home, he's across the country, and me still going out with this girl (we go to the same college). I loved her, as in I would do anything for her, but its strictly a best friend thing now I think, like I'll be her friend forever, so in that case we should break up, right? The problem is sometimes I get in this mood where I wanna be with her, that we are meant to be in some way, but most times I dont see a future with her, for both of us school comes first and we'll be going to Grad School in 2-3 years, PLUS there's my hottie in DC which I know a future is far from reality there, sad for me I know...so I need some advice, and be gentle with your comments....thanks
    Just something off the side, I haven't come out to my parents, my girlfriend, and only have to 3 close best friends.
     
  2. Micah

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    You're in an extremely difficult situation at the moment, and it's no doubt driving you crazy. But you must consider her feelings and emotions throughout this as well. If you've cheated on her once, what's to say you wont do it again?

    If you hardly kiss anymore, then chances are she has the same sort of feelings as you. A close friendship with a strong amount of trust can be just as rewarding as a relationship. But if she somehow found out that you had cheated on her, or you were being at all dishonest then that trust is broken, and the chances of her wanting to continue a friendship with you are decreased.

    Explain your feelings to her, talk it over as a couple instead of keeping them all to yourself. If you truly believe that you've lost all romantic feelings for her, then leading her on will only delay the inevitable.
     
  3. That sounds very tough, Jordano. I think what Dave wrote is right on.
     
  4. JonB321

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    Yeah, she doesn't need to know about the guys on the side. Just come out to her, say something along the lines of, "I know this might come as somewhat of a surprise, and I never wanted to hurt you, but I'm gay. I feel so strongly for you, that I thought maybe it would work, and that it didn't matter, but lately, I've been thinking otherwise. Not that I love you any less, but I realized my love for you is as a best friend, not as a lover."

    She should be fine with it. Good luck.
     
  5. joeyconnick

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    I think you probably know what I'm going to say, so I'll preface it with something which is hopefully a little different:

    I have a friend who's in a group of people who get together and discuss philosophical issues. So one issue they just discussed is whether you would, 30 years into a relationship, reveal that you had had a meaningless one-night affair early in your relationship with your partner and hadn't told them about it at the time. Basically the conundrum is this: you've had a really amazing 30 years so is it worth threatening that by revealing your extremely previous infidelity? And then, if say you decide that no, one night of infidelity isn't all that important in a 30-year context, can you then use that argument to justify not telling your partner about that infidelity NOW, as in right after it happened?

    I think how people feel about the issue probably has a lot to do with the extent of their experience with relationships and the degree to which they view the world as black-and-white (vs. as shades of grey). And of course, whether they've ever cheated on someone or had someone cheat on them.

    But anyway, thought-provoking related hypothetical dilemma aside, the answer is really simple: you need to tell her. As in, you at least need to tell her you're not into her anymore, and you should really tell her you're gay, and if she asks if there's someone else (or whether there has been), then I think after 5 years she deserves an honest answer to that question too. If she doesn't ask, I think you can assume she doesn't want to know.

    Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself if you'd want someone to keep dating you even if they weren't interested in you, especially if it's something as relatively-unworkable-out as they're not into you because they're not into your whole entire gender. I know I wouldn't and I have to believe that most (well-adjusted) people would prefer reality over fantasy when it comes to important things like relationships.

    It's understandable you would go through phases of thinking you were meant to be together, because five years is a significant length of time for anybody to be in a relationship, much less someone who's 19 when it represents a quarter of their life. But unless you truly think you're bi or the being into guy thing is really a phase, then that's simply wishful and nostalgic thinking that probably makes a difficult situation a little easier to ignore for just that much longer.

    I don't think it will be easy and I don't think she'll necessarily be okay with it, at least at first--it might be the hardest thing you ever do, actually. But I think how we handle situations like these, where there is no easy answer and where every path is a difficult one, is what defines what kind of people we are.

    So, what kind of person do you want to be?
     
  6. Jordano

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    Good advice everyone - thanks...

    I told her last night, not everything, but that I dont feel the same way about her I did before. I explained to her in so many ways that it just feels like we're best friends, because I won't ever leave her, I'll always be there to support and help her, but the the whole boyfriend/girlfriend part isnt there anyway. One thing I also explained was that for a relationship to be really a relationship to where marriage is in the future, there has to be an emotional and physical attraction. I told her our bond will never break, we'll always be there for each other, but there's just no physical attraction. I think she knows all this too but just wouldn't admit to it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life because like I told her, I do care about her so much, but just not in a boyfriend kind of way. I also said there could be someone else for her, she doensnt know because shes never been out with someone else, I was her first for everything, so maybe what she feels for me isnt love, maybe with someone else she'll feel something completely new, different, she'll never know, and she understood that much. I love her, but I'm not in love with her, as my friend explained. Either way we talked for over an hour, well it was basically me, and of course she was devastated and I feel like shit for it but I told her this is how I feel and I can't hurt her by lying to her by not saying anything. I'm really confused now about any and all feelings I've had with anyone now so I didnt tell her anything about me being bi or gay or whatever I am, but I want to, but right now this was well over the limit she could handle. This is it for now, I have class...
     
  7. jenny2005

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    I think it's a good step that you took to tell her how you are feeling about your relationship. However, I believe that she would understand more if you told her you think you may be gay. Believe it or not, a girl would much rather "loose" (in a romantic sense) you to a guy than potentially to another girl down the road. Just letting her in on this part of you will make her more empathetic. By simply telling her the two of you have lost your chemistry and are better as friends makes her feel unattractive and like she has failed in some way as a women. Things will make more sense to her if you are completely open with your feelings and problems. It will make her actually feel closer to you.
    I don't know if you should immediately tell her about the boy you met. It WILL take her some time to get accustomed to the "new you". Start by clarifying your relationship with her- then, in time, you can talk about other boys together.
     
  8. Jordano

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    Alright - its been four days since I broke it off with her and things are getting better and better, we still hang out and though it is different, it really hasn't changed a whole bunch. I know she's probably still hurting but I'm being as sensitive with her as I can and it seems to be working.

    I'm a terrible person but I just don't feel ready to tell her I'm bi/gay. I know I really should, but she's so incredibly sensitive that I think this would crush her. She already feels like an ass because she still loves me and I dont love her that way, and I think if I told her I was gay she would feel even dumber for not figuring it out. When it comes to coming out, you feel it when the time is ready and right now I just don't think I'm ready. I wanna let this settle a little bit before I make it worse.

    What do you guys think? Am I a bad person for not telling her everything?
     
  9. drhladnjak

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    I think the most important part is done (that you broke up with her). I know you're worried that coming out to her will just make things worse, but I thought I'd point out that it could actually go the other way too. That you're gay is basically the primary reason for why your relationship didn't work. That means it is not her fault that the relationship didn't work out. Since you broke up with her, she might be feeling rejected or not good enough or whatever right now. Telling her you're gay may eliminate those feelings.

    That said, I agree that you should wait until you feel it's the right time to tell her. Still, you'll probably have to muster up some courage and get over the nervousness when that time comes. It can be hard and nerve-wracking to tell someone even when you know it's the right time, so I wouldn't rely so much on feeling comfortable (because you may never be truly comfortable about telling her), but rather rely on the rational process in your mind for determining when would be the best time.
     
  10. JonB321

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    Tell her! She'll probably be thrilled! because she can stop looking at herself naked in the mirror and pinching small patches of fat on her inner thigh and questioning whether she needs to lose weight! Yesterday, I told one of my friends that her ex-boyfriend was gay (I saw him at a gay club, and by accident mentioned his name to her, not knowing they ever knew each other... long story), she was so thrilled that she was only rejected because she didn't have a penis, not because she wasn't good enough. Just thought I'd share that with you.
     
  11. It must've been very hard to break off such a long-term relationship w/ someone you still care very deeply for. That was a huge step, and you're not a bad person at all for wanting to take things slowly now. Don't be so hard on yourself, Jordano. Coming out is hard, and you should do it when you're ready.

    I had this flirty, almost-relationship thing with a girl (let's name her Deb) in 9th grade. We were talking on the phone a lot, and then we went to this Valentine's Day dance together, and it seemed more and more like it was inevitable that we would officially be "going out" very soon. And that scared me. I don't think I was quite sure that I was gay at that time, but I did feel like I wasn't being completely genuine w/ her, that I was playing a role or wearing someone else's shoes. So before we went any further, I told her I just wasn't ready to be going out w/ anyone. She was like, "What? You're not 'ready'?!" (as if to say, "What the fuck do you mean?") Anyway, there was obviously a bit of tension between us for the rest of the that year, but we stayed friends -- not close friends, but friends -- throughout high school and then drifted apart after we went to different colleges. And of course during that time I came out, but we weren't really in touch, so I didn't tell her.

    This past April, a dear friend of mine -- who was Deb's best friend -- passed away in her sleep. She was diabetic and probably forgot to take her insulin shot. It was just a huge shock to all of us, and of course Deb took it particularly hard. A couple days after the funeral, Deb and I got together for breakfast, and we had this looooooong talk, during which I told her that I'm gay. And her reaction was true to what everyone else has been predicting about your ex, Jordano: she was RELIEVED. She told me, "I wasn't trying to be arrogant or anything, but I always wondered what I didn't have that you wanted. And I really wanted to see who you ended up with b/c I wanted to know what she had that I didn't have." After I told her, she could stop wondering so futilely.

    And so, I guess I do agree w/ the others here, Jordano, that your ex would probably be very glad to hear that you're gay. But I think you should do it only when you know you're ready. She'll feel just as relieved if you tell her in 4 years as if you tell her tomorrow.
     
  12. Micah

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    Exactly what the others have said. She's probably wondering where she went wrong, or how to win you back. If you tell her you're gay then it will finally put her mind to rest.

    As long as she understands that she didnt 'turn you gay' then it would be for the best.
     
  13. Jordano

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    Wow...thanks a lot guys - this helped a lot and cleared some things up. My next dilemma is that I feel if I tell her, she'll wanna talk about it with other people, and I haven't told a lot of people, especially any of her really close friends, plus I think it might make her even "lonelier" than she already feels. But I agree with you, she probably will feel a little relieved but shes definitely the type that will always think she turned me bi/gay but she really didn't. Sometime during our almost 5 years I grew as a person and discovered a lot about myself and I'll explain that to her. So, that's what's on my mind now...
     
  14. drhladnjak

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    You should take this into consideration. Once you start coming out to people, you have to be ready that anybody may find out. You need to at least be somewhat comfortable with that before you go telling anybody who may talk to other people. Be careful about who you trust as well. When I told my parents I was gay, they said they wouldn't go telling anybody else. I responded by saying I didn't care if they told other people, to which they said they still wouldn't being that it's my responsibility to tell other people. Well, then a couple weeks later my mom tells me how my dad told my brother. Like I said before that's fine by me, but sometimes people really need to tell others for various reasons and the information might slip out.

    At a certain point, you basically have to gain the courage to think, "Fuck it. I don't care if other people know or what they think of me. This is who I am." Of course, that's easier said than done especially if you have genuine concerns that your friends and family may reject you or cut you off. Still, eventually you probably will come around to such a point of view and won't care so much if your ex-girlfriend's friends know.
     
  15. jenny2005

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    It is true that, if you do tell her, she may want to talk about it with other people. To try to prevent this I would tell her that this conversation is taking place in confidence (which will probably be self evident) and that you aren't comfortable letting a lot of people know right now. I would try to remember that you aren't telling a stranger- but a very close friend, who you trust. If you make yourself as accessible as possible to talk to her (after you come out) she will be less likely to turn to others and talk about it. If you make clear your feelings and tell her what you've already written here- that she didn't turn you bi/gay, that you still love her very much, that her friendship is extremely valuable to you- I think that the outcome will ultimately be a positive one. I would not worry too much about how she will take it, because the reaction is always unpredictable. Telling her the truth is the best token of friendhip you can give, and she will feel honored that you were able to share your true self with her.