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A twist on coming out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Chad, Nov 26, 2009.

  1. Chad

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    I have this feeling that my family will not accept my sexuality at all. Right now I feel as if I don't really care. I want to tell them so I can be "Out" fully, my friends know and I'm seeing someone right now. I want to just tell them and be done with it regardless of the stance they decide to take... if they decide they don't want a Homosexual in the family I'm comfortable not being a part of the family. I feel that it's a negative attitude to take but I want to be ME, granted I think it may have to do with the fact I'm active duty military so I constantly feel oppressed and as if I'm suffocating. I'm trying to figure out the happy medium I am comfortable with settling for, I know inherently alienating my family is the wrong path to take but I'm tired of the feeling of impending chaos.

    I have a feeling I'm viewing the problem as a finite equation with two possible outcomes.
    A. They accept me and everything is peachy keen.
    B. They don't accept and I live my life without them forever.
    I'm not an idiot and I understand that there's an infinity of possible outcomes but there's only two that I can seem to think of no matter how hard I try to acknowledge the others.

    I'm 23 and I have lived on my own since I was 17, as such I'm fully capable of taking care of myself and I don't need them.... I want to just get it over with and live my life with or without them

    Thoughts?
     
  2. shorty

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    I think you sound perfectly ready to tell them. I actually have the same thought about telling my parents, the only thing that kindof stops me is that they would be embarassed about telling their freinds/family, but I don't particularly mind whether they freak out about it or not. Granted i'm a fair bit older than you, but you certainly sound like you are in a good mental position to do it. I say go for it.

    Of course there isn't just the two options that you have outlined, as your parents are your parents, and it would be pretty hard to disown your own child just because of such a thing as being homosexual (i know there are cases where this happens) but i'm sure that even if they might react badly initially, they will most likely come around in the long run.

    As many here say, if keeping it a secret is worse than coming out, you are pretty much ready to go ahead and tell them. Good luck and let us know how it goes if you decide to tell them. And welcome to EC! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Filip

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    I think wanting to be yourself everywhere is a lofty goal. It's one I have myself, though it seems to take a while to come to complete fruition...

    And it seems you're ready to tell them and deal with whatever consequences arise from it. Just do make sure you have enough friends to fall back on in case it goes bad.

    The options you see are the end points of a continuum. There are all kind of midpoints. Just a few other possible results to consider:
    - They accept you, but are uncomfortable, and hesitant to ever bring it up
    - They don't accept you at first, but after a few months they get over it and learn to deal with it. It took you some time, so it's only natural to take them some time
    - They stall, and try not to commit to any answer at first

    From personal experience, I had two very different coming-outs to family members. My brother had a reaction of complete and immediate acceptance, but with my mom it was very different. She accepts it, but it's sort of an unsproken arrangement that she'll never bring it up, and neither will I when she's present (sort of an unspoken "don't ask, don't tell", only after coming out already :dry:slight_smile:. It doesn't make for the easiest of situations. But it's definitely not worth it to burn all my bridges over. I know it just takes her some time to come to terms with it.

    So, whatever their reaction is, it's best not to leave with slamming doors and harsh words. Even if they don't accept now, they might come around later. And some family members are quicker to accept than others.
    Maybe, if you think that some would be more accepting than others, you could consider coming out to the more accepting ones first? That way you already know where they stand, and you already have some extra support in the family before tackling the harder ones.
     
  4. UserName

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    I'm 20 years old, and unfortunately, I come from a pretty wealthy family and I'm in college and financially dependent on them. I thought if I told them that my dad, although a libertarian, because of comments in the past would disown me and I'd have to start my own life for my self. However, I went ahead and did it anyhow not because I have gay friends and a gay partner (complete opposite) but because he told me to never talk to him again because of an accumulation of other things that had been happening and he was just frustrated, so I was like well now or never, what do I have to loose? And I told him...and he was completely fine with it :slight_smile: I mean I'm sure he wasn't happy about it and was shocked..but he took it very well in regards to how I thought he would have taken it.

    I defiantly think that you are ready to come out of the closet to your family, it seems like you have a great support group and if you can financially fend for yourself then you have nothing to loose by being honest and telling them about your sexual orientation. I think it is a natural response to think that well, I may loose my family by telling them I'm gay, but I am going to do it anyhow. Because we have the same exact fear of being disowned by them, so its like an equal trade off haha. And we go threw so much that they couldn't possibly understand, it's just not worth it to hide for the rest of your life. There will always be people there for you, and many of them will stay by your side, or atleast accept your "choice" (although I don't personally believe its a choice); I'm sure you will be fine when you decide to come out, best of luck to you!
     
  5. Chad

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    So, I told my mother... Turns out she's Bi. Ha ha... Unexpected but at least she met me with acceptance. Of all the things I expected, her being proud was probably the last one. So at this point I feel completely comfortable telling people with out the fear of it getting to my family. Thanks for the advice had it not been for the few comments I received I wouldn't have thought I was as ready as I was to come out to my Mother.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Congratulations! Glad it went so well! I guess parents can surprise us too at times! :slight_smile:
    Awesome that it went so well.
     
  7. Revan

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    I'm glad it worked out :slight_smile: Actually my ex-boyfriend's mother was bisexual as well, so he had the easy time of it lol. But yeah, really happy it worked out :grin:
     
  8. Filip

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    It seems the twist in the title was actually in the eventual outcome of the story! :wink:

    Glad to hear it went so well! And clad to hear the comments helped...
     
  9. Chad

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    Yeah after I made the post I thought it was a self absorbed thing to say... thinking my problems were different or any more complicated than anyone else who is gay. Most all of us have complications in telling our parents and seeing mine as any more serious or complicated than anyone else's was fairly close-minded on my part.
     
  10. shorty

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    Not really. We all have our fears and they can sometimes consume us. Just writing things down can be very cathartic, and the great thing about this site, is that you can get opinions from people in a similar situation. Your post just came across like so many others, in that you had some concerns and needed a bit of advice on it. Glad the answers were of some help to you.

    So great your mom took it well, and its amazing she came right out and told you she was Bi! Awesome. :slight_smile: