I'am dieing,not literaly...not yet at least... Im lossing everything,again,i just over exagerate,I probly only post this for attention...huu I fail,flat out fail,here is a video of what i feel like,but I have not savior http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA Lost,withering,and dieing,I can sit in a dark corner with my eyes close,when i open,there is nothing for me,i saw darknes,fear,anger,sadnes,rage,list goes on,i feel worthless,I feel powerless,I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me,im fail...fail,and withering,nothing left. I hear talk to a councler,talk to friends,truth is,im scared,and im scared...just...scared I am scared to go back to school on monday,because my friend,I fear,stupid things,just,fail...I can die,and therw would be no sadnes or remorce,it would probly help the world out...heh There is so much I gess I can relate to myself,and I think I can grasp why i feel this way,but im jus a pus,i almost,god I dont know what to say,it's like,i feel so much,and,overwelmed,and I just DON'T know,I can sit down here,and cry for help and a savior,but i sugest I need to do that myself,but,no where to start,and things I can reverse... I can put the blame on someone else,but that isnt right of me,It's not right to tell someone my problems,if they care,if they don't care and they get paid for it,they right it down 4 a reason,they don't care or remember,its there JOB to talk to you,they don't give a rats ass...again,just one of many... I'am sure if I sa down and thought bout everything,I can get a game plan,but is everything suspose 2 have a plan,maybe that's my problem,I always need a plan
Hi Ryan! What are you scared about? When you talk to your friends, do you trust them? Do you feel that you can trust them no matter what? Maybe start by writing out the things that you do feel overwhelmed about. Why are you scared to go back to school on Monday? It is okay to tell someone about your problems. If you feel that you don't want to tell everything your friends, a counselor or a teacher are good people to talk to, because they can help you ind dealing with your problems. There are here to help you and so is EC. It is always better to talk about things, rather than leaving them inside of you. Sometimes, when we don't deal with things or at least don't talk about them, they can cause us even more stress. (*hug*)
Being scared is completely natural. I won't pretend to know why you're scared or what your situation is, but I can at least say how its affected me. I didn't have the easiest time when I was at school, I was bullied for a couple of years and was regularly treated as an outsider. Anyway, I bottled all of this up for years, and along with other things that didn't go well recently in my life, again people related last university year, I developed full blown depression. This time last year talking to anybody was impossible for me - I saw myself as weak, useless, constantly feeling like a failure and that I was worthless. However, talking started to help, my friends noticed something was up and convinced me to see a doctor. Once I was on meds, talking became easier, just being able to vent at a real person and know that I wasn't the only one who knew about my feelings was a real comfort. I've also recently started seeing a counselor - I know you say you don't understand them and that they're doing it to get paid at the end of the day, but in all honesty, I don't think many people would want to sit and listen to people's problems all day if they did not care about helping them at the end of it. Even if they don't tell you how to fix it (and they can't, they can only help you to fix it) just being able to talk to someone impartial is a comfort. Good luck - if you want to get through it, you will.
Okay,I know everything I said was jumbled,I really don't know how to explain myself when all t main parts of my life feel like they are crashing, friends, family, school, religion, and me. Friends- Physicaly they are not going,but emotionaly,I can feel myself withering away,I do not get bullied,I have freinds,and I love them,I just don't know Family- I have disliked being with them latly,its like somthing is prying us away,like a peny peeling gum off a shoe,im going,there is a fork in the road,and i dont know how to move it,we fight alot,and recently my mom has become extreamly nosy,and it bothers me,everytime she moves I have to look behind me to check if she is coming to bother me... School- Overall,lets start at elementry,I was probly one of the best students in elementry,i was teachers pet,I new EVERYONE,i had no worries at all,you know those little asembly thingies,well everysingle one i won somthing,I was an over acheiver...I loved being recongnized In middle school,I realized I was gay,towards 8th grade I feel deeply depressed for having noone to tell,I was not recongnized,never did much in iddle school,the schools stop recongnizing me,and I stoped trying High school,things are relitivly ok,except Iam just an emotional reck,and have no idea what i'am doing,I recently told my friend I was gay,didn't go well,i'am bout to see them for the first time in about 2 days(havent seen each other for about a week)And im scared of what she will do...(telling people,be mad at me,etc...) Religion-I'am falling away from god,I can even tell,and it bothers me I suspose, I think I do it more because I do not feel I ahve proof,and my mom(somewhat).Topic doesn't bother me that much,but I do want to fix it. Myself-I'am falling away from myself,I do not feel intact,i feel like im falling apart from withen,I'am lossing my topics,hobbies,my flow,i have no drive for much,and I can try to get that stuff back,but it is hard to when you are in the processe of lossing them,I'am going to try to get myself back in soccer,that would probly be a big releafe,to get back in the sport I love,since I have let myself go incredibly,It pisses me off to look at what I was From elementry,moving up,just as the grade moves up,the worse it seems things get. This is what I ment to psot,I hope it all is MUCH more clear,because I was litteraly dead when I wrote that...:help:
I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. A lot of your story sounds like mine - only you've come to the conclusion that you're gay sooner - and as a resultu you're having some problems dealing with stuff at a younger age than I did. The secret is not to try to fix everything at once. And knowing what you can't fix everything. I haven't posted these in a while, so here goes... First, the serenity prayer: And next, one of my favourite readings: If you're worried about seeing your friend who you came out to, maybe you should reach out to her before Monday morning. Talk to her and ask her how she's feeling about your news. With respect to your family (or mom specifically) I think you're at an age when this is bound to happen. Parents sometimes (always?) struggle with how to 'let go' of their kids as they get older. You're looking to do your own thing, and they're still trying to be your parent. At the same time, you have this 'secret' that they don't know about, which makes you feel even more isolated from them. Maybe you're getting close to the point where you are ready to tell you're parents that you're gay too. Even at school, you're not bringing 'the whole person' to what you need to do, because you're keeping a part of you hidden away. The 'gay' part. If you're not ready to come out (and there's no set schedule or timeline) then you need to simply accept that you're not going to tell people yet, and try to put the fact that you're gay on the back burner for now. It's not something that's going to change, so you need to accept it. I'm not sure if all this helped - hopefully it did. I think a lot of us can relate to what you're going through. Hang out here in EC and I bet you'll start to feel better about things. (*hug*)
Thank you,this was very helpful. I don't think I'm that fearful anymore Even if my friend doesn't take it well,it can't go 2 bad
