How do you explain this concept to a straight person? My dad.... God, I'm just really starting to wonder if he just pretended to accept me when I came out to him. Because every time he gets frustrated or stressed or a little tipsy, he seems to change his mind. It's not like he completely hates the idea of homosexuality, he just...doesn't get it. He doesn't believe me. He acts as if he thinks I'm much too young and naive to have even the slightest idea who I'm attracted to. This conversation occured last night. Me (referring to some guy on TV): He does nothing for me. Dad: Well, that makes sense. You're not into guys. Me: Nope. Dad: And I think you dunno what you're missing out on. (Wanders into other room and is almost monologuing to himself at this point.) I mean, how COULD you know? You're still a kid. You haven't dated more than two or three guys. Me (getting gradually more frustrated): I just KNOW, Dad. Dad: How could you? For all you know you're gonna grow up and realize you like guys. Nah. I don't think you know.(Walks off.) Now, I've always thought of myself as one of the lucky ones when it comes to my family's acceptance, but that conversation fucking hurt. More than any other stupid comments he's made before. He just sounded so sure of himself that he knew exactly what was going on in my head, that I'm just some clueless child. And that hurts. The fact that he thinks that me being a lesbian is just some random "decision" I made. He has no fucking idea how much soul-searching I had to do and how many inner demons I had to fight off to get to the point where I could tell anyone about it. He's convinced I didn't even think it over at all, that someday I'm magically going to wake up someday and say "Oops, looks like I was straight after all! Guess I was just being a rebellious, ignorant teenager when I came out to everyone as a lesbian." But that isn't going to happen. Because as young and stupid as I may be, I've been through enough to figure out one thing: I'm just. Not. Attracted. To guys. Which, all ranting aside, brings us to my question: how do you explain the "you just KNOW" concept to someone who's a closet homophobe? And I'm even wondering if it's worth bringing up at all. I want to talk to him seriously about this, because every time he says this kind of stuff it really hurts. But maybe I just need to let it go and let him adjust. It's been less than a year since I came out to him (7 months, but who's counting?) and I dunno, maybe he'll stop thinking this stuff eventually, once he realizes I'm not kidding about all this. Ugh...I just don't know what to do at this point.
(*hug*) Responses: "How do you know?" Or "How did you know you weren't gay at my age?" Or "I've told you about how I've always felt – deny it if you want, but it's not changing." (*hug*)
Dunno. I don't think he's being homophobic. Seeing as you say your family has been pretty good about it, I don't think he dislikes you being gay. Thing is, you have to remember that teenagers are well known for being emotional, (please don't take that the wrong way) and doing shit to make themselves stand out from the crowd. He is likely just wondering whether you really know yourself. Though you are certain in your sexuality, he is probably wondering if you are really sure about it. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but just trying to put across how he may be feeling. Give him time, and i'm sure he'll come around and realise you weren't just being a melodramatic teenager.(*hug*)
I second asking him how he knows he's not attracted to men. I mean, how could he possibly know, right? How many guys has he dated? =P Does he know how much soul-searching you've done? How long it took you to realize and come to terms with it? And does he know how much it hurts when he makes comments like that? If he doesn't, he should. And if you were attracted to men, he wouldn't be saying these things to you, I guarantee. It annoys the hell out of me how somehow, you can be too young to know you're attracted to the same sex, but no matter how early a kid starts voicing attraction to the opposite sex, it's either considered cute or parents just say things like, "My little baby's growing up!" Nobody ever says, "But you're so young! How do you know you're straight?" Ever. I mean, I guess every parent is different, but I'd say 7 months is a reasonable timeframe to adjust. If he's making hurtful comments, I'd talk to him about it. "Letting it go" isn't necessarily going to improve the situation if he's determined to think you're mistaken. I mean, yeah, I'm sure once you're out of the house and living with another woman, he'll have to concede that it wasn't a phase, but that's still no reason to put up with this crap until that happens.
completely agree. and though i don't think it will help much, puberty is when people start noticing sexual attraction, and that's usually about 12-13 years old. so it's not like this is a completely new thing. it's just a new thing for him.
to me, it didn't sound as if he was getting angry at you, just a bit confused in his head. i'd not get too bothered too soon if it was me in this situation, just give him time to get used to it. even if it takes months, it's good for you both to understand each other. i totally understand how this must be frustrating, my parents still treat me like i'm seven, my computer logs me out at 9 on a school night even if im doing homework... and i'm not allowed to go to partys before 8.30. thats the worst one so far.. yeah, parents can suck sometimes.
I kinda went through that with my mom. I also came out at 16. It took her a while to get it. Give your dad some time. When things don't change,he'll see it for himself. I know it hurts you ,but it's his problem now,not yours. He's going through a sort of denial,just like I'm sure you did,at first. You have had time to adjust and he needs the same. Be patient, sweetie, but don't back down. When it's brought up just continue to let him know that this is who you are,end of story. Definitely let him know how you feel. Maybe get him some things to read ( PFLAG,etc.) to help him come to terms that this is who you are and that it's not a choice. I wish you the best. Hang in there,it WILL get better.
I know how you feel Katherine. (*hug*)That happened to me when my mom read my journal (I wasn't telling her things about my life so she snooped), at age 17. It was a violation but I denied it all till I came to terms with it myself first. Anyway, I agree, you should get some PFLAG materials. And questions to ask him: -How did you know you were heterosexual? (When he answers, tell him you feel the same way, only with the same sex). I believe it's possible a gay person knows their orientation (in some cases) before having sex with the opposite sex though many people may disagree. I mean many people knew they were straight before hetero sex right? -Homosexuality is a unique trait in nature which many mammal species also do. Some are bi, hetero and some are gay. (Gay dolphins, penguins anyone?) -Watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7aUlWjPZVw
I agree with the fact that teenagers (myself included) are pretty well known for doing stuff like that. But he didn't sound confused. He sounded cocky, like he was convinced that I was wrong no matter what I'd say to him, and that I couldn't possibly know what I was talking about. The thing is, though, he's been saying this sort of stuff since I came out to him. This was just the most direct he's been about it. I've tried to make it clear to him but it just hasn't worked. And I know for a fact that he's somewhat homophobic. He tries to hide it, but he tends to do hurtful shit without even realizing it at times. If he sees gay men on TV he instantly changes the channel or makes some stupid joke about them to try to cover up the fact that he's uncomfortable. If he sees gay men in real life he tries to avoid them. And I remember once I was talking to him about where I was thinking of going to college and he remarked, "Ugh, you don't want to go to an all-girls' school. From what I hear, they tend to be full of ugly, dykey lesbians." (That wasn't long before I came out to him.) So I know he's got homophobia inside of him. Ugh...it just frustrates me.
I know what you mean. My mom's the same way sometimes. It's taking her time. But now that he's got a daughter that's gay he'll have to deal with a lot of issues society has implied that it 's "wrong and not normal", even though we all know it's natural. When something so ingrained in your head has to be confronted it can be difficult for some people to become accustomed to. You have a few years left, but once you move out it'll be easier for you to live life. He'll deal with it in his own time. Unfortunately you don't get to know how long it'll take.
Sometimes it's better to ignore the bigger picture. Sure, it's unfair of him to mouth off about what he's said, regardless of how many teenagers do tend to change their mind about this kind of thing. This is not a fight you can probably win. If he's got this idea that you might stop being lesbian, no matter how much information you give him, there's no way he'll completely stop thinking that while you are still young, and possibly later. What you might be able to do is to say something like "look dad, I know you think I might change my mind about this someday, but right here, right now, I'm definitely not into guys, and if you can't deal with that, at least I ask that you not be rude to me." next time something like this comes up. Ignore the big issue thing that you can't win and he will have to come to terms with himself and no-one can really help him with (him thinking it's all a phase), and just go for the more realistic aim of getting him to act respectfully. That is my suggestion, and admittedly, not knowing about the dynamic between you two, it might be totally inappropriate, but I thought I'd just make that suggestion anyway.
