1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can you be just friends with someone you thought was the love of your life?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MissNomer, Nov 30, 2009.

  1. MissNomer

    MissNomer Guest

    Well...can you?

    Best friend ever imaginable...I fell madly in love with her, and convinced myself she was falling too...things unravelled. She's now in a committed relationship with somebody else (is it wrong that it hurts more that it's a guy, when she's the one who helped me realize I'm gay?)...and after months of serious depression, and picking myself up, and getting back into casual acquaintance...we're giving proper friendship a go.

    I'm nervous. I want her in my life. She means the world to me, even apart from the romantic stuff I've felt for her...but I'm terrified at being confronted with her daily happiness with somebody else, and I dont want to be stoic-girl...putting on the happy face, while my innards get shredded to mulch.

    So what do you think....:bang:
     
  2. shorty

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2009
    Messages:
    309
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Oz
    Definitely! I had a major crush on my best friend for years. Lived with him for about 4 years, were in high school together etc. Virtually inseperable. Bastard kept sending me confusing signals too, so that just made me think I had a chance. Anyway, long story short, he also hooked up with one of the very few girls I thought I could possibly have a sexual relationship with at the time and it devastated me.

    I moved out and saw a lot less of him for some time, and though we are a lot more distant from each other now, we are still good mates. Just takes time for you to adjust to the fact that it isn't the person for you.
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'd say yes, but it'll depend on you. The fact that you still feel worried enough to start a thread, the fact you say things like "her daily happiness with someone else" - these seem to indicate that you haven't let her go yet. In which case, you're going to continue seeing her boyfriend as an adversary, and possibly keep harboring that thought that if you just did the right moves and said the right thing, she'd come back to you. And as long as you have those thoughts, this isn't going to be pleasant for anybody.

    When you can genuinely say "I wish it would've worked, but I'm really happy that she found someone to make her happy", then you can be best of friends. Until such time, I'd maintain some distance.

    Lex
     
  4. partietraumatic

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2008
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oxford and Birmingham, UK
    Definitely. But it takes time. I'm really good friends with my ex. We were really good friends before we went out,then when we went out i really fell for him. After he dumped me it was a good 7/8 months before we really became friends again, but now we are. So, yes it is very much possible :slight_smile: Im even really good friends with his current boyfriend, i've been for coffee and a drink with the two of them a few times and its great.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. Just Adam

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2009
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My AV room
    no. not here it seems.
     
  6. RaeofLite

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,344
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    First off.. (*hug*)

    I think you can. Believe it or not, I fell kinda hard for a guy in highschool. We were friends since grade 8 and he broke my heart in grade 11 (he didn't feel the same way), but...

    I guess it's for the best anyway because after grade 12 I realized I was a gay lady. :slight_smile: We're on best friend terms (telling each other anything). :icon_bigg

    And in your case, even though fellow women can be more emotional most of the time (and have super strong emotional attachments) I think it's possible. You may just have to back off a bit from friendship for a few months to give yourself some breathing space while you go about finding a girlfriend who will truely love you back.
     
  7. Nick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2008
    Messages:
    224
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    I say yes, and I believe that you can be best friends with someone you thought was the love of your life. However, you need to be clear where the boundaries of friendship stop and the still-love-of-my-life ones start, I wouldn't want to blur them.
     
  8. fulofbul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2009
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    i am trying to get over a guy that i have fallen for and so at the moment i cannot imagine myself seeing him with another guy. i would have to close my eyes and turn away.

    but personally i think it is possible but you have to be really over the guy. the current guy that i have fallen for is the first guy i ever had real feelings for and sometimes i wonder if i can ever get rid of all emotions of him.
     
  9. mydogstewie

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    244
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'll say yes. I fell in love with my best friend of 11 years.

    I realized I've been in love with him for around 2-3 years.

    It broke my heart to know that he's straight, but he said we'll always be friends.

    You'll get over it some day, and when you do, you'll always have that friend to lean on. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    I say you'll find a way to make it happen. Better to have them as friends than nothing at all right? You want them in your life in some form so I think you'll find some way to get that to happen.
     
  11. tylerzane69

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2008
    Messages:
    178
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sault Ste Marie, MI
    to be honest i dont think i could be friends with my guy if we didnt work out, it would be way to hard and we would be in two seperate places in life and the world. but i would wish him the best, and hopefully i could pick myself up afterwards. like lex said it depends on you, good luck
     
  12. Khobra

    Khobra Guest

    For me, I don't think I'll be able to keep a friendship when I'm too madly in love with the guy and I know he's not interested like that. It'll hurt too much and even though it'll hurt that I won't be able to hang out with him, I think that would be better than me having to deal with my emotion for him when I know it's not going to end up the way I want it too...
     
  13. MissNomer

    MissNomer Guest

    I think perhaps I've gotten over her enough to give this a valid go. I'm not completely there, but a large part of me has realized that the way things have worked out, has been for the best for both of us. The humiliation and betrayal and self-reproach is harder to handle than the simple unrequited feelings. But I need to suck it up...I value her too much to just see her gone. If she were someone different, who had meant less to me, or not been through so much with me in the friend capacity, it would be a different story. I think it is definitely simpler and less painful to make a clean break, but important things aren't always easy things...arent often, for that matter.

    I just REALLY need to make sure I keep boundaries clear, for myself. I can love her, and always will. I can't, you know, LOVE her, and I cannot allow myself to get sucked into imagining or longing for that. I think the more time we spend together, the easier and more normal it will be for us to be open and talk about everything again, without having to worry about who is going to get hurt or jealous.

    And I really do, genuinely, want my own partner and my own romantic life, seperate from her. I'd love to offer my heart to somebody else >_> (to put it in the cheesiest way possible), and better yet, to have something equal offered in return.

    This re-friending business will simply require patience and caution. :thumbsup:

    Thanks to everybody for the input. I really appreciate it. You've helped me work through some shtuff.
     
  14. Paralyzer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    371
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Virginia
    It's possible but it's really hard for some people. I don't know if I could do it... if I was just friends with the love of my life, I would at least be planning on being with them sometime in the future. If that person were straight I wouldn't be able to deal with it at all.
     
  15. Pseudojim

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2009
    Messages:
    2,868
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    a one word answer: eventually.

    It does take time.
     
  16. Poring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2008
    Messages:
    351
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Somewhere in Asia :o
    Agreed. I had a crush on my best friend on freshman year high school. I really wanted him and in a way, I thought that he had the same feelings. I was a fool to believe such things tho. It was terrible. I felt so miserable...

    Eventually, I drifted apart early part of junior year. However, latter part of same year up to now, its my senior year, we are close friends. The feelings are gone (mainly because I have a new crush), but it all works out. We still talk a lot and go out.

    Good luck to you :thumbsup:
     
  17. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with the posters above. It works, but you need to make very sure that you don't go in with a hidden agenda.
    If you still harbour thoughts that by being close, something might still happen, then you are at a big risk of being hurt and having the situation deteriorate, though.

    And I know it's sometimes hard to be sure about that. There was this guy in highschool that I had an almost obsessive crush on. When we both went off to study in different parts of the country, we lost contact. Two years later, our paths crossed again. I thought I was over him, but just meeting him again ended up making me feel lovesick for two weeks after that. I made sure I didn't run into him again for a year after that.

    And then, a year ago, we met again. And I discovered that I'm totally over him. I mean, he'll always be kind of special as the guy that made me realise I was gay, but there was no lingering desire for him from my end. I even felt happy that he seemed to be doing well and had found a nice girl. I'm not sure if I'll meet him again anytime soon, but if we would, I'm sure we would just have fun without any baggage mucking things up.

    So what I'm trying to say is: you'll know when you're completely over her. If you have doubts, it might be a sign you're not quite there yet. And that you might end up getting hurt. So if you proceed, do so with caution, and be prepared to draw back again before you could get hurt.