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where is the manual? the "coming out" for dummies book?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nomoresickness, Nov 30, 2009.

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  1. nomoresickness

    nomoresickness
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Southeast US
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    So, I wasn't completely sure about joining this site. I thought though, it's worth a shot. I'm really struggling right now with coming out, and it's pretty inspiring to see people much younger than me (21) who are completely out and happy.

    I wish it was that easy for me. I first had a thought that I might be gay in middle school. I had a crush on my "best friend," and we ultimately later got somewhat involved. But, of course, we were just practicing for when we got boyfriends. Our parents FREAKED. I became the laughing stock of my middle school, and I began a long journey of denial and embarrasment. I knew that I couldn't be gay. My parents were very adament that I wasn't gay. I sure faked it good for too many years.

    When I came to college, over 3 years ago, I found other people like me. I began friendships and a relationship that made me realize that I am not straight. It wasn't an overnight thing. I struggled for a while, hiding things from my new college friends and of course lying to my parents and friends back at home. I thought I was hiding it good, but really I wasn't. I'd lie about who I was with, change pronouns, and act overly flirty anytime a single guy walked by. It was sad. My gay friends helped though. They let me see that it was okay. I started an activist organization, began speaking, and being a very vocal student. It was fun, and still is. There are still people that I lie to though. I don't know why, and I hate it, but I am scared. I'm so scared.

    My parents were another story. I told my mom on my 21st birthday nearly 6 months ago. We were shopping, and had an argument about the shorts I wanted. She asked me if I was planning on changing my gender too. It was dirty. We don't talk about it anymore, and she has since "set me up" with single guys in our hometown every single time I come home to visit. My dad is the person I'm closer with, so it meant a lot more that he accept me. I asked him (via phone conversation) if he would still love me no matter what. He said he would. This conversation occured after I told my dad that my "boyfriend" who was really my gay best guy friend, was in fact gay....and that I was too. My dad told me that I was going through a stage/phase and confused.

    SO, getting to the story...I brought it up again last week. I put an HRC sticker on my car. My dad took away my car, and basically kicked me out of the house. He hates that I'm gay and I hate that I'm hurting him so much. I want him to see that I am hurting because he is, but more so because I just want to be accepted for who I am...even if I am gay. I'm feeling so down and depressed and I don't know what to say next to him or anything. I wish there was a manual on how to deal with this! Any advice?
     
    #1 nomoresickness, Nov 30, 2009
  2. paco

    paco Guest

    i'm really sorry they took it that way. this doesnt sounds like your fault at all actually, and you sound like you've accepted yourself well enough and you would be happy, except that it's your loved ones that have issues.

    i can't point you to any helpful material myself, but i know that it is out there and there are a lot of people on this site that will know more about that than me.

    but my guess is that your parents really need to learn what being gay is and that it's not something you chose to be one day, and i would start by simply stating that. of course they are going to deny it because they've believed something false their entire lives and that's not easy to let go of, but keep in mind that you're their daughter and at some level, they do want it to be ok.

    i can't tell you exactly what to tell them, there are books that will be able to help more with that, but as for how you tell them, try not to show them anger, because then they will get upset and defensive as well and it will be impossible to convince them of anything. avoid showing that you're upset too because you need to be a stronger voice than whatever they've heard, and crying can be powerful for empathy, but in a debate it shows weakness.

    unfortunately it is very unlikely that they will change their views quickly, but if you make them start thinking they will eventually realize the truth.
     
    #2 paco, Nov 30, 2009
  3. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    Your parents need some education, obviously. And that's fair. Because getting angry at you and punishing you by taking away your car obviously isn't going to stop you from being gay. If you're gay, you're gay.

    If it's any consolation, I think people like your mom and dad are slowly dwindling in numbers. And certainly in other parts of the US and in other countries (like Canada - yay!) the attitudes are very different from in the southern US. So try not to feel like you'll always meet this kind of hostility where ever you go - because you won't.

    Hang out with the people that make you feel good, and avoid people that make you feel bad. Find a gay friend who's parents are supportive, and spend weekends there instead of going home. Or stay on campus. You mom and dad need to understand that their attitude is very hurtful and damaging to you. Let them know that you don't feel welcome at home any more - because that will be the truth.

    There are parents who have come around.

    Perhaps have them watch 'Prayers for Bobby' - it's a very good movie on this subject.

    Welcome to EC, and good luck in dealing with your folks.
     
    #3 Jim1454, Dec 1, 2009
  4. guacj

    guacj
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    I think that "Prayers for Bobby" would be an excellent movie to watch with them maybe even ask them to go to a local PFLAG chapter for support and advice or you could at least get some literature from them.
     
    #4 guacj, Dec 1, 2009
  5. nomoresickness

    nomoresickness
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Yeah, I thought about PFLAG and I'd ideally like for that to be a reality. But, I think the nearest chapter is 2 hours away, and I don't know if they would drive that far to attend a meeting.
     
    #5 nomoresickness, Dec 1, 2009
  6. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A PFLAG meeting would be ideal, sure, but since you live that far away, why not simply direct them to the PLAG website? That might help them along the path.

    Until then, don't worry too much about your parents. Tell them you love them, but this is how you are. And work on getting yourself to a better and stable place for yourself. Because you're technically not the one with the problem - they are. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #6 Lexington, Dec 1, 2009
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