I came out to my parents about a year and a half ago and it really didn't go well and it hasn't really been mentioned since. I'm going away to university next year and really don't want to leave things the way they are bit I know I can't bring it up either because it hurt them so much the first time. But I feel so guilty becasue I've been looking forward to uni as a time when I can actually meet so other gay people and date etc. but I know it will hurt my parents so much and hurting them hurts me especially now when they have paid for so much of my uni stuff and are being really great with helping me get everything sorted I just don't know how I can let them down like this but I also know I can't continue to live like this which makes me unhappy, but if I hurt them I'm still unhappy so either ways it's all going to hurt me and its doing my head in. I just don't know what to do, to me it seems like there really are only two options, 1: I live the life I want to live and hurt them which in turn hurts me. 2: I don't and I'm unhappy. Either way things aren't good for me but I don't see anyway out. Advice please???
To me it seems you are going to be unhappy, at least initially, no matter what you do. At least if you come out (again) it will be done and you know where you stand. If you need their financial backing though that maybe changes things.
I have a couple of thoughts... You've already come out to your parents. You can remember doing it. I'm sure they can remember too. They haven't forgotten - but they also don't want to talk about it, or don't know what to say. Quite often (always?) it is the gay person that has to initiate the conversation about their gayness. You are not responsible for the happiness of your parents. They are. The only person that you can really control is yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness, and that's all. And being happy isn't a purely selfish thing. Because really, what good are you to other people or the world in general if you're miserable? You're not going to be contributing to society at your full potential. You might not be contributing to society at all. So first and foremost, you need to look out for yourself. When you're taken care of, then turn your attention to other people, like your parents. If you're not happy, then you're not going to do well at university, and their money will have been wasted. Put yourself first.
Great advice Jim. In both options you say you'll be unhappy (at least initially). But you know, you're the same person that your parents knew before you came out to them (just they will see you in a different light) and have to get used to who you love. It's a small part of them. Have you tried contacting PFLAG or a gay support group or organization in your area? The web is also good for advice. Maybe buy a book about coming out and helping parents/families work through it? It's your life, you deserve to love someone who you love and will love you back.
Yes. What I was going to say has basically been said. BUT i can still squeeze the sponge for some more! You said that your parents are paying for Uni? Well, they still care for you and love you then. They are supporting you and you must not let that support go to waste. As Jim said, Live life for yourself, so that your parents can enjoy what they have created. Be proud of who YOU are and as Jim said, don't worry about your parents so much. They can be happy, if only you will be happy too. Besides, who said that YOU living YOUR life the way YOU want to will make them unhappy? It is the norm for parents to worry and fret and cry over their children, but it is also the norm for them to be proud, and happy, and . . .cry for their children in the name of happiness. And as Rae said, if you don't want to leave things as they are, then YOU speak first. At least you won't have anything left behind when you go to Uni. And remember: Don't Worry! Be Happy! If you want any more advice or just want to talk, I'm here for you. PS: What uni are you going to? Is it in NZ or AUS?
^ I'm going to University of Otago in NZ, and thanks for the advice everyone I've tried books and pamphlets and the likes, my parents just threw them back in my face so I don't think I'll try that again and there's no real support group down here, that's what i need to get to uni in a bigger place to find. I'm not sure I have the guts to say anything but we will see I might just get so sick of it some time that it will just all come pouring out knowing me.
When you move away to college your relation ship with your parents is going to change a lot. You won't see each other everyday, you'll talk on the phone from time to time, and see each other on visits home. Y'all still have nearly 20 years of history together. That will mean a lot to you and them. You will find after a few months the things that annoy both sides disappear and you tend to remember the important stuff. So maybe now is not the time to big it up. After a little while at college you'll start discovering who you really are and start being comfortable with that. Give it a little time and you'll find your relationship with your parents has matured. That may be the time to talk to them about being gay.
