Hi Guys: I am really struggling with my sexuality and I just feel like I am wits end with it. I also have a bit of ocd to. I just don't think I myself can handle that I am gay. Most people do not think I am gay, when I have told the few that I am they are usually surprised. At the same time I was teased by a few people in high school who thought I was gay. Mostly about the voice thing in high school. For the last 12 years I have constantly worried that my voice "sounds gay" I know a lot of people of people will say what is a gay voice and what I mean by it is just an effimine voice or what some would consider a sterotypical gay voice. Although, my voice is masculine I am still convinced in my head that it sounds effimine. At one point I was literally MUTE for 2 years, because I was constantly worried people would think I sounded gay(that was awhile ago) Now I am am able to freely talk but I am still worried that anyone might think I am gay. I have gone to gay clubs here and there and don't really like them. Its not me. I think I am pretty straight acting and just like doing normal stuff. The more I think about its not just the voice. I just feel digusted I am gay. I know some of the may sound cliche, but I think people will see this as a weakness in me. I am a nice looking guy, but I use to look at gay porn a lot, because I find it easier then having to seek out a relationship. I put myself on match recently and went out with a guy and he was very effiimine that I almost had a panic attack. I just felt like wherever we went people would people like "look at the gay couple" I know when I do have a relationship this might happen, but I think most people are busy with ther lives. Somedays I can barely function, because the "gay" stuff bothers me. Just having a rough time. Thanks!
I might be speaking out of place, but here goes... I think you have to realize that one's sexuality is only a single part of him/her. I'm sure you have millions of other qualities...and you should start showing those to other people if you're afraid of their irrational homophobia. I'm not saying that you have to hide who you are -- you should just balance your life so that sexuality isn't the dominant trait in your lifestyle, you know? It doesn't have to be that way. I personally don't buy into the stereotypical "gay stuff" either -- it's suited for some, but not all, people of the community. In any case, you should probably develop a non-detrimental anti-social-anxiety defense mechanism. Judgment shouldn't matter unless it's truly your own, unaffected by the thoughts of other people. Maybe you should get a dog. Maybe I've been watching too many Petco commercials on Animal Planet. Hm...well, I hope my advice (if you can call it that) helps.
Hi Katmando, welcome to EC :icon_bigg I understand how you feel, this happens to me ass well, cuz my voice and I'm teh most quiet kid in class But you know, you need to learn how to boost your self esteem, and we have to ignore everybody around us, and dont care about their comments. I know it's a hard time, but with a little time, you'll get through. You need to get comfortable with the fact taht you are gay if you are sure that you are Well, so instead of thinking about things that bothers you and make you feel disgusted, like your voice or anything, think about anything else taht you are good at, that can boost your self esteem more, like you have a bright future, etc...and you are a nice looking guy right And for teh club one, dont go there if that dont make you feel good, there are many places for gay peopel but more educated. You need to stop feeling guilty, cuz being gay is not a sin, and for your relationship, dont let others spoil your love, you shouldnt be embarrased about love, but hate. Lol, today my head is little bit out of place XD
Thanks for your input, its much appreciated. I think my problem lies more with being not proud of being gay then anything else. I actually think I should probably talk more about it with people, because I never do. I act like its not a part of me when in fact it is a part of me. I appreciate both of your posts. I know I have a lot of great qualities. I am easygoing, friendly, and fun to be around and most importantly nice.. I think its difficult because my parents raised me to treat everyone the same, yet when it came to there own kid being "gay" they kind of ignore the fact. Its not that they do not accept it, but I know my mom doesn't feel comfortable if I really mention it. My dad and I do not talk, but for other reasons. But I don't think hes comfortable around it either. Its just weird, because they are the type of people to say "What would I care if someone was gay" yet when it hits home, its not the same reaction. I feel good I can finally talk about this. I really have never gotten on with my life, because my sexuality has always bothered me. Dropped out of college, but thinking of going back. I feel a little embarrassed that people who are much younger then me have such a great handle on this. While at 27 I still do not. You guys should be pretty proud of yourself. Sometimes I doubt if I am gay, but I really know I am. I can't imagine myself with a woman and I would only be fooling myself. My gay experiences have been limited. I wish I would of done things differently, but about 5 years ago I hooked up with someone on the net, and a few months later I had another hook up. But that's it when it comes to my sexual experiences. Last week was really my first real date. Although, it was hard it did feel good.
Okay, I don't mean to sound judgemental or pushy here and you can feel free to completely ignore my hypocritical advice, but it sounds like you have a very deep-rooted fear of discrimination... constantly worrying about what people think of you... have you ever considered seeing some kind of counsellor? If not, I would suggest considering it... which is pretty hypocritical of me, since I myself have refused for years to seek therapy even though I'm sure I need it, but I suppose for some people it helps a lot. It gives you somebody to talk to who is unbiased and who might be able to give you advice from a different point of view. They may also have a better understanding of your feelings as they've studied things like that and helped other people with similar problems. If you wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a therapist I would suggest venting to a friend, someone who you know won't judge you and won't gossip about you. If you do need to vent and have no one else to vent to, I'm here, you can PM, IM, or email me... I could be completely wrong, but it seems to me your difficulty is less with your sexuality and more with worry over what other people will think of you. I'm guessing you would have the same issues if you were "different" in some other way, i.e. were in a wheelchair. Again, I could be completely wrong, so forgive my assumptions if it doesn't sound right to you... I don't mean any of this in a bad way. What exactly is it that you're afraid of concerning being gay? Physical harm? Emotional abuse? Being treated different? Being discluced? Being stared at? Being avoided? Losing friends? It may help to try to figure out the root of the problem, and what exactly it is you're trying to avoid by trying to keep the fact that you're gay from people. My advice would be to try to find security in yourself and who you are. Try to love, appreciate, and enjoy yourself. I've been told countless times by many people, "it doesn't matter what other people think." There's also quotes like, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." Regardless of what anyone else says or does, you're at least as good as anyone else. Just because some people may have a low opinion of you or treat you poorly doesn't mean you're a bad person, and being gay certainly doesn't make you any less of a person at all. Remember that in the end it is you who defines your own worth, not other people. A bit of feigned arrogance may help too. I know I tend to get looked down on a lot, and I get a lot of odd glances like people think I'm a freak or that I don't belong wherever I am, so when I'm in those situations and start to have doubts about myself, I try to put on a bit of feigned, exaggerated arrogance. I'll stand up straight, square my shoulders and glare at people out of the corner of my eye thinking to myself, "I'm better than all of you combined." Now, I'm not actually that arrogant, and don't actually believe I'm better than others, nor will my feigned arrogance get in the way of being nice to somebody should the opportunity arise, but if every once in a while I pretend to be really arrogant, I've found it often helps my confidence and I end up believing that, if nothing else, I'm no worse than any of the people around me. This may or may not work for you, however, and if you try it make sure not to take it overboard and be deliberately mean to people. One more thing, how often do you get out? Do you have a lot of friends? Do you socialize a lot? If you sort of tend to hermit away in your house all the time, it's much harder to be comfortable when you get out around other people, especially if you think they might look down on you. If you don't get out much, try getting out more, maybe doing simple things like going shopping, going bowling, going to a fair, going to a movie, or even just going out for a walk. Again, feel free to call me on anything if you feel I've gone too far... I wish I could offer you better, more sound advice... but at any rate, I wish you the best of luck.
no, I think your points are well stated. I care a lot of about what people think of me. I actually but on a good act. I really do like people and enjoy being around them, but I think a lot of people think I am a lot happier then I am. I know the arrogance you are talking about, and it can be a good thing. When I am at the mall I kind of do what your talking about. I don't have a lot of friends, but I could. I was in a jogging/running group, but quit because when new people came in the group. They were engaging and very likeable, and I didn't like them in my territory. I do constantly worry about what others things, about being gay and everything else. I do see a therapist, and just added a day. Thanks for the tips. It does make sense. I sort of dropped out of my life a couple years ago. Now I am slowly getting back into it.
It's a difficult situation that you're in.I don't have a lot of advice,but as a 62 year old guy who just came out to my therapist,that some sort of decision would be good.I have spent a life of too much whiskey,too many cigarettes,and a life of little accomplishment.I.ve lived in fear,of not knowing who or what I was.I've had a number of gay experiences over the years but it wasn't until recently when I quit smoking[14 months ago]and quit drinking[8 months ago that I was able to have my head clear enough to think that I am gay and come out and get on with my life.I expect to have about 30 great years of life and I want it to be fantastic.Not living in fear and hiding.you have about 60 or so years.Lets make the best of them.
Hi There: I talked with my therapist more about gay issues and can't remember if I discussed this part, but this really bugs me to. I always think if I get into a fight with someone who is hetrosexual or they don't like something I do. I think they will always make a nasty gay slur about me. Does anyone ever worry about this??
Well sure, I'm sure people do. But seriously, if you weren't gay, they'd find something else to insult you over in that kind of situation. I think the right track is probably to do with feeling overwhelmingly negative about being gay and feeling as though that defines you. While I have been known to get pretty annoyed with people who are always "I'm a person who happens to be gay, not a gay person" because I personally believe that oftentimes people are dismissing or trying to ignore the still pretty big impact being gay has on one's life in most modern societies, even a gay person is still a person, where the term "gay" is modifying person. People aren't the gays, or a gay. Well okay, actually I'm sure some people are *grin* but most people who are into people of the same gender are really pretty ordinary overall. (Sometimes a little TOO ordinary, but I digress... *smirk*) I think, though, that trying to ignore one's... gayness (I guess) is ultimately unhealthy and futile. You may be trying to show people that there are other things to you but let's be honest, most people's sexuality and their romantic desires are pretty important to them, so downplaying being gay is just as silly as making a huge deal of it. You end up turning it into the huge pink elephant in the room simply by trying to minimise it. If you seriously have withdrawn from a lot of your life, probably the best thing you can do is change that and also to get more comfortable talking about being gay. Many people when coming out do go through a period where they won't shut up about being gay and seriously that's okay, as long as THAT'S the part that's just a phase. *snicker* It is (usually always) about finding the right balance. I.e. being a gay guy without that being your most defining trait (if you don't want it to be). Maybe you've just overreacted a bit about being gay and need to move to more of a middle ground?
You know I avoided "therapy" or "counselling" for years in the same way. Mainly it became in my mind this thing that if I went I was proving my mum right because she had suggested it might be useful. Plus all the other standard things about how we should be able to deal with our own problems on our own, blah blah blah. Anyway, you make a good case for seeking out someone "professional." Anyway, maybe some day you'll get to the point where checking into it is right for you. I did and it's been pretty helpful. Not quite life-changing but definitely a positive thing.
I think I, like most people, do care a lot about what other people think of me. But I think ultimately there comes a point where you have to draw a line and say, "This far... and no farther!" (a bad rendition of Picard from ST: First Contact) At the end of the day, you never really know what other people think, and you certainly never know what groups of other people think, and so you end up conforming your behaviour to some kind of twisted idealised notion of what you think other people think of you. And probably something that would really help you is not letting people think you're happier than you are. Yes, it's true that a lot of people aren't well-equipped to handle it when, after they've asked you how you are, you say, "Actually, not so great at the moment." However, pretending you're happy is not going to hlep you out in the long run. Allowing yourself to be sad or angry or depressed or hopeless is not wallowing. It's feeling! Letting negative feelings totally overwhelm you is more what wallowing is, but although it might seem like depression is some kind of communicable virus these days, it's really not. In fact I would posit that a lot of the rampant depression you hear about has to do with a lot of us pretending to be something we're not or to feel something we don't. Capitalist consumerism really, really involves a lot of entangled denial about how we treat the world and how we want to believe that having "stuff" will be fulfilling when really, for most people it's ultimately not enough in terms of meaning. Okay, getting all sociological so I'll rein in here. :lol:
woo star trek! and yeh thts all i wanted 2 say lol and about struggling with ur sexuality then before you can do anythin ull have 2 accept it no matter how hard it is for you to do, but dont worry about what any one else thinks and ull find new confidence once you have accpeted it wich means you wont worry what others say and just remember if you lose any friends because of this there are always 1000's more potential friends which can be just as good as ones you lose or they cud b even better and you never know you could find the person for you wether it be male or female
1. I was like you for a while, but I just stopped caring what people think about me, and I have been ALOT happier ever since, I am not saying that you should completly not care, but who really cares if some stranger sees you and boyfriend, it isnt like you will ever have to deal with them again 2. Not all gay people are flamboyant, or feminine, many gay people act like straight people, but just have a different sexual preference, you dont need to enjoy gay bars, shopping or musical theatre to be gay 3. Being gay is by no means a weekness, if anything, it make you stronger, because of the hate you may have to deal with, coming out, etc, etc hope this helped, good luck
Thanks! I think I am making some steps in the right direction. I think its important that I keep making them though. I like a lot of the advice and think its good and appreciate it. Today, I came "out" to my great aunt. I know she loves me, but I thought it was still risky, because she is older and some older people aren't always accepting. I also bought an "out" magazine today. I feel good I did these things, but it really is upsetting that the "gay voice" thought still plays in my mind 24-7. I talked more to my therapist today and he was helpful. See I think I have totally supressed being gay for a long time, and when you keep supressing things are bound to resurface. I think I have been avoiding a lot of gay related things. Like myself. When I was in high school and early 20's I had the same obsession with my voice. The problem was I was totally out of control with it. I mean totally. I would constantly asked ask people for reassurance if my voice sounded gay. I mean looking back at it It was a huge mistake, because kids just teased me more. My mom got so sick of it. She threw me out of the house, because I didn't stop asking and I moved in with my dad. Now I am in control but with the same thought, but it still torments me as bad. I think where I was totally misguided is I became consumed and still am with having a "gay voice" instead of coming terms with being a gay man. I think using the "gay voice" thing is just more avoidance instead of dealing with my sexuality directly. Instead, I should probably be talking how does it feel being out. The ups and downs, so to speak. I think learning about successful gay people is helpful and understanding more about them. Lots of gay success stories. I even shake when I write about this issue, because I feel so guilty. I feel like I have pained/annoyed my mom so much when I was younger. I never began to forgive myself. But when i think about it. My mom wasn't very helpful at all. She never was very nurturing in the sense of "being gay is okay" I think she might of said it once. Its odd, because I come from an educated background and my parents always told me to treat people equally. My mom loves me and I really don't think she has anything against gay people, but she is very self absorbed. My mom makes me anxious and mad at the same time. She just keeps calling me to get my oil changed and other silly crap. 2 weeks ago I told her I can't take it anymore and stop calling. I am just hurt by her in general. I bet she isn't pained and annoyed that she can't stop herself from calling me to ask if I have my AC on and if I got my oil changed for thr 5000th time. I mean if I wasn't responsible and she told me to get the oil change, it might be different. But her calling me is her own OCD speaking. I am often hurt by people. Recently, I told a friend about someone on #########. I was interested in. She said his writing is as bad as yours. I knew she was teasing. But I felt like being stabbed. Growing up I had a lot of learning disabilites and still do. After I hear a comment like that it is hard for me or I will put it off. I guess I am so overly affected by others that I have literally put off life. What's odd is when I put my proifle on match. I felt very authentic. My dad is difficult as well. I never know what will set him off. I was once at a hotel and asked what station Howard Stern was on(before sirius) he yelled at me and said you don't ask those kind of things. Like can't I enjoy anything?? Now I have a date with someone I really am not interested in. I am a little upset myself for doing this. Because I truly am doing something to please someone else and not Justin. I would make a good servant. I don't let myself enjoy things much. I enjoy running and that's my passion. Its also the only thing that makes me happy, right now. Anyway, here I am. A little blurry. http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/009.jpg
exactly. michael stipe (lead singer of REM) said it best, "i'm not a gay man, i'm a man who happens to be gay" and i fully live my life to this.
