Hey, I've made this letter in plans of sending it out to five of my good friends from back home. I would love to hear any feedback that you may have. In particular, I am concerned with how shocking it may come across as. The only letter that I wrote so far was to my best friend, and he told me that when I actually wrote I was gay, he was so shocked that he didn't get back to reading the rest of the letter for a good ten minutes. I would hope to avoid that as much as possible in this letter. I would hope that that ten minute block of 'mind-fuckery' if at all would come at the end of my letter, after I've said all I had to say. Also, I am not entirely sure as to whether or not sending a template letter out to five of my friends is the right way to go about it. I would love to send them all individual letters, but I don't really see how they could be much different, and I don't think I will have the time to do it either. If you have any thoughts on that as well, I would appreciate them. Dear xxxx, I hope your year is going well. It’s almost Christmas break, and I can’t wait to be back home with everybody. It’s been too long since I’ve seen you, and I wish it didn’t have to be that way. This year has been an interesting one for me. Classes and fraternity life are going well, but there is one thing that has really stuck out that I wanted to share with you before I came home for Christmas. I’ve found myself in a bit of an emotional rut this semester, which has forced me to do a lot of soul searching within myself. It was pretty easy finding out what the culprit was, but dealing with it has been more problematic. I have dealt with it though, and I think I have everything pretty well under control. Now, as a result of what I found, I have a lot of work to do. Part of what that work entails is letting people know about what’s happened. In the spirit of that, I want you to know that I’m not straight. I’ve known this about myself, or was at least aware of it, since high school. All that time, I was trying to hide this aspect of myself in order to feign normalcy. It was difficult, and looking back on it, I was very seldom happy. I’ve realized I can’t expect to live a life I enjoy if I were to continue with the charade. It is out of a desire to be happy that I’ve decided to come out. I want you to know this because you are one of my best friends. I don’t want to lie to you. I’m sorry that it’s taken until now to tell you the truth. It’s only been recently though that I myself have accepted that I’m gay. Now that I’ve come to grips with it, I want people to know me for who I am. I understand that this sort of thing can affect friendships pretty drastically. I am sorry if I’ve betrayed your friendship at all with this, it is my wish that I hadn’t. Our friendship up until this point has been very important in my life. I dearly hope that it can remain that way. If you have any questions, concerns or problems, please let me know. I’m open to speak about anything, and it is my hope that I don’t make anyone uncomfortable with my orientation. I hope nothing changes with our friendship and that it’s able to remain just as strong as before. So far in my process of coming out, I’ve been able to tell my fraternity brothers, my sister, and Dillon (mutual friend, my best friend). Everyone has been really great so far, but I think Dillon could use someone to talk to. Still, feel absolutely free to call me, send me a message or text if you want to talk. It would be great to hear from you. Your friend, (me)
The letter is pretty good, i'm working on coming out to my parents via letter too. Personally, I included things that were important for them to know. Such as the fact that I'm still the same person they have known all these years, and why it has been so hard for me to com eout to them. But only include what you feel comfortable including.
i can really only echo what was said in previous post is to mention that you are still the same person that everyone knows.. i would scrub out the bit about u betraying your friends tho. cos u havent. its not something i would want to write, but then i didnt write it. its what u feel most comfortable in saying.
Okay, new and improved (i hope) version, tell me what you think! Hey "Friend A", I hope your year is going well. I can’t wait to be back home for Christmas; it feels like it’s been ages since I’ve seen anyone from home. I am writing this letter because I have something I want to tell you before I get home. I would have loved to tell you this in person, however I think a letter will let me write everything that’s on my mind in a way that get’s all I want out and into the open. I’ve been in a bit of an emotional rut this semester. Fallout from the relationship with my girlfriend last year and more relationship problems this year got me motivated to take a look inwards at myself and try to address what was going wrong. I discovered that the way I was living my life wasn’t allowing for me to be happy. I have been trying to be someone I wasn’t and the strain of living a lie really started to take its toll on me. It has been longer than just in college that I’ve been doing this though. Ever since I first became aware of this part of myself, I’ve been trying to suppress it. In high school, I wasn’t comfortable with it at all and thought that something was wrong with me because of it. I had hoped that if I played a ‘character’ who I would like to be, I might be comfortable there and grow to adopt that as my own personality. It worked for a little while I guess; it got me through high school. Then again, it stirred up a few problems in high school too. In college, being around a lot more people and starting to live life on my own has made it more difficult to keep the persona up. I’ve realized that it just isn’t working. Though I may have been able to find temporary content with it in high school, I can never hope to find happiness enough to live my life with it. The thing is, in all the relationships I’ve had I’ve never felt a part of them. "Ex 1" and "Ex 2" in high school were attempts to appear normal, and hopefully experience something that could get me onto a different track of mind. In college, my girlfriend last year and my interest this past semester were attempts to see if I could overcome this aspect of myself. None of it worked though, and I understand why now. That’s not who I am, I am not straight. It’s not something that I can try and outgrow, put to the back of my mind, or ignore. It’s who I am, and I’ve come to accept it. It’s only been recently that I’ve taken this as truth and accepted myself for who I am. I guess the main reasons why I tried hiding are because I was afraid of what others would think, how they would react, and what would be left of me. I am willing to accept those things now though. They’re all still very scary, but I know I can’t hide anymore. I’ve come out to my fraternity brothers, "Friend B", and my sister so far. They have all been extremely helpful, and I count myself extremely lucky that I haven’t had any bad experiences yet. I want you to know "Friend A", because you’re my friend and I want to be entirely honest with you. I really cherished what our relationship has been like in the past, and I hope that this doesn’t change that. In all, I’m still the same ol’ me. If anything has really changed about me, I would say I’m more outgoing and comfortable in public now, being that I’m not as worried as what other people think about me now. I see it as an improvement, but I’ll let you judge. Thank you for taking your time to read this, I’m glad that I’ve been able to let you know this about me. Give me a call if you want to talk, it’d be great to hear from you. Also feel free to ask me any questions; I’d love to answer them. Also, if you have any concerns or problems, don’t be afraid to let me know. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and I’ll do my best to alleviate any issues. Your Friend, Chaz
Hi there! I think it is a great letter! The only thing I would suggest is perhaps to include a line mentioning your sexual identity. You are mentioning that you are not straight, but if he is a good friend and given that you have explained your acceptance of who you are so well, I don't think there is anything to fear from including your sexual identity or being a bit more open about it. I think doing that would really allow your friend to make all the connections that you want him to make. If you feel uncomfortable including the word 'gay' you could always say 'I like guys'. That's actually what I did in my first coming out e-mail to a friend.
Fixed? Thanks for noticing that too, Mirko. I didn't mean to be ambiguous about it, and had meant to say the words themselves at one point in the letter. I guess I forgot, lol. I did intend to only use "not straight" the first time though. I feel that it's not as shocking as using the words "I'm gay", and I want to try and ease my friends into this as best I can. Ooh, and do you think I'm crossing any lines if I were to send this same letter out to all five of my close friends from home?
Hi there! As mentioned above, what you could do, instead of writing "I'm gay" you could write As for sending the same letter out to everyone, I would tweak it for each friend so that it reflects your friendship with the person to whom you are sending it. I think coming out is one of those things where you try to be as personal as possible with each friend. You might want to change a few lines here and there, depending on the kind of friendship that you have with each friend.
it sounds like a good letter, but you didnt mention anywhere that you're gay.. I think it's important that you actually write the words, "I'm gay" otherwise it could easily be overlooked if your friend is in denial... I read the whole thing waiting for the moment and it never came so i found it a little confusing. Just come out and say it, after all it's the whole reason the letter is even being written...
