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Uncomfortable with myself...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by destinationzero, Dec 7, 2009.

  1. destinationzero

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    Ok I'm still kind of new here. I joined a while back but haven't really posted much, so hi! to most of you anyway.

    Recently I feel like I've been getting more and more comfortable with the fact that I'm gay. I used to think it was only a matter of time before I could accept myself entirely (coming out completely is a whole other step). But within the past week I've become disgusted with myself and I don't know why. I used to think I could handle a relationship or being open or stuff like that, but now I just feel too fucked up to keep moving forward. It's so weird because it seems like this new feeling just came out of nowhere....I honestly hate myself at times. On some level I guess I just wish I could be different, that I could be straight and my life could be easier, but I know there's something more to it. I'm incredibly uncomfortable with who I am and I have know idea. I've become angry and started cutting again...I'm clinically depressed and I've had my ups and downs but I have no idea why this really big relapse came along....and if it's just a relapse. :icon_sad:

    I can elaborate more later...but has anyone gone through a change like this and could help me out? :help:
     
  2. Gin Uh Fur

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    i get what you mean about being disgusted with yourself. through most of high school i hated myself. i never wanted to come out. to this day i wish i could take it back.


    but being gay is something that takes time to get used to. you should talk to someone about the cutting and depression. hell talk to people on here if you dont want to tell someone face to face.

    im willing to talk and so are a bunch of other.
     
  3. Pasalacqua

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    You sound like me when I was younger.
    Even still now, once in a while.

    Especially here.

    You really just have to realize, that, this is how you are. There's nothing wrong with it, this is just a part of who you are. It doesn't have to define you in any way. It's just one tiny aspect of you as a whole.
    That's honestly how I got past it.

    Every once in a while, it still gets me down, but this video really cheers me up and makes me feel better.
    Maybe it'll work for you too.

    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM[/YOUTUBE]
     
    #3 Pasalacqua, Dec 7, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2009
  4. mmilam75

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    This is a normal part of coming to terms with your sexuality...I went through this and, to some extent, I still go through this now. One of the things I had to confront was the amount of homophobia that I had internalized and accepted as part of my worldview. It was the reason why, for the longest time, I felt uncomfortable around other GLBT people. I had to confront the basic attitudes that I just accepted...and I suspect that this might be the case for you as well.

    If you feel comfortable, perhaps you might think about seeing a counselor, not that there is anything wrong with you but just that it is sometimes helpful for us to be able to talk through what we're feeling with someone who understands. If you're not comfortable with that or if that's not an option for you, you might want to think about something like the Trevor Project, which can be as anonymous as you need, but it provides you with someone you can talk to, someone who can provide you with the resources to help you talk through these things you're feeling. I say this as someone who saw a counselor, and that did a lot to help me work through the things I was feeling and to challenge basic aspects of the way I viewed the world, views that needed to be confronted and changed.

    Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk about any of this.

    Good luck!
     
  5. Filip

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    Well, there’s a saying in Dutch, which I’m not sure exists in English, but if I translate it, it sounds like: “if you want to beat a dog, a cane is never hard to find”
    Meaning that if you want to hate yourself, you’ll always find a reason to. If you weren’t gay, you might just blame it on your weight, your looks, the fact that you’re alone, or on any other thing in your life in which you’re not entirely comfortable with.

    But it’s just that, a rationalisation of a feeling of a discomfort. It happens to all of us, though. When I feel bad, usually a twang of resentment towards my sexuality does come back to the forefront. Over time, as I get more comfortable with it, the feeling has lessened, though.

    What to do about it? Well, if it’s clinical depression, the answer is: get it treated! If you had the flu you’d go to the doctor, so if you’re feeling uncomfortable, that’s really no different than being sick. Are you seeing a counsellor, or a doctor, or any kind of professional about this?

    Also, stop cutting. It’s an artificial way out. It might relieve the pain, but it won’t be long before you start feeling bad about the cutting again. Which is a vicious circle.

    If you want to be more comfortable with being gay, there’s a lot of options you could try. You could see if your school has an LGBT group you could join. Interacting with other gay people makes it easier to see that being gay is OK, and that there are a lot of gay people out there just like you.
    Also, coming out to some more people can help as well. If you come out to people who are accepting, you’ll be feeling more accepting of yourself.
    And of course, we’re here to help and listen too. If you want to talk more, post around, or send myself or any of the staff a PM. Sometimes being listened to can already help a great deal!
     
  6. destinationzero

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    Thanks all for your kind words. I apologize that it has taken me so long to respond, I haven't had any time at all. I've been doing a bit better, since my therapist and I concluded that my depression may have been getting worse because of long-term exhaustion; I'm feeling a little better after getting even a little bit more sleep. I'm back to sort of being comfortable with myself...sort of. It took me forever to get past my religious dispositions on the topic, but now it just leaves me curious in a kind of scientific way...like why would anyone be gay? It's biologically illogical, so why does it happen? I realize that is not a question yet answered, and I am merely musing over my most recent thoughts.

    To Gin Uh Fur:
    In talking to people online I have found that a lot of people say they denied themselves at some point and regret it. That's the other side of my worries: am I not missing opportunities and missing out on life by hiding who I am? I think so, but I can't come out, not yet...it seems kind of like I've been stuck in one place for a long time, with little hope of finding the correct/best direction, and actually motivating myself to take it.

    To Pasalacqua:
    Thank you for sharing that video. I know the song well, but I had never seen the video. It is truly inspirational, and will go on my ipod asap. :slight_smile:

    To mmilam75:
    Unfortunately my school does not have a GSA or any other LGBT club. We used to but I don't know what happened to it. We're a large school, so maybe everyone just graduated. The town I live in is notorious for its gay pride, and while there is a lot of general tolerance, the homophobia surrounding the youth in our area far exceeds that of other nearby high schools. Ironic.

    To Filip:
    I have often felt that maybe I am pinning more problems on myself that I should. Especially with my clinical depression, I have found it frustrating to have strong emotions and not know why. It is always easier for us as humans to focus our emotion on something rather than deal with it abstractly. To address your other points: I am seeing a fantastic therapist, I've been on anti-depressants for quite some time, and I have not cut since the time I started this thread.

    Thanks all again for your responses. I may not be able to frequently be on EC for some time, but I hope that I will get to know you all better in the future.

    :]
     
  7. mmilam75

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    This is just a thought, but if there's nothing for you at your school, you may want to look in the surrounding community and see what resources exist for you. I can't tell you the tremendous power that comes from just being in a room with other GLBT people. For me, that was what completely changed my outlook, because I had the round peg syndrome, where I felt like the round peg fitting into the square hole, or at least trying to, and then being disgusted at myself when I couldn't. As I got to be around more people like me, I saw that I wasn't really all that different from them, and it made a tremendous difference. You might also check and see if there is a local PFLAG chapter that can help you find resources as well.

    Good luck and please post here if we can be of help to you!