I feel like I'm about to explode. I was trying not to make this post because I know my negativity isn't the most attractive trait in the world, and I'm always so cautious about the things I say online and my privacy. I don't want to remember posting this my birthday, but I need to be open with someone. There's not a single aspect of my life I'm happy with. The most prominent thing in my life right now is my military service, and I absolutely hate it. What I do is fine, could be a lot worse, but I hate the people (mostly one person) in charge so much. This is nothing like the countless "I hate my tough boss" rants, this person is actually the trashies, most hateful POS you could ever come across. No class, no brain, nothing. Even if I tried to describe what I mean, I doubt anyone would be able to imagine what I'm talking about. I hate his guts and wish him the worst. Unfortunately for me, I have no rights in the military and it's mandatory. I have to hear threats every day, and they can easily come true like they have before. Every little mistake (most of the time not even mine) could easily mean spending a month in jail. The system is such a joke. The biggest losers are given all this power. My service is bringing out all the worst sides of me, I was actually disappointed that the fact he was away and wasn't returning calls last week wasn't because he had an accident or something on his way. Trust me, I'm not the crazy one here. When I come home, there's my family. Another mess. I'm not out yet but I've given all the clues. They must know. I feel both disappointment and regret... disappointed that they're so ignorant when it comes to gay people, and I feel bad for them that they have to get used to something that stresses them out because of that ignorance, they deserve better. Part three of my pity party - lack of real friends. No distraction. I think I'll stop here. Crazy how birthdays make you think... it's all become such a huge mess I can't find the drive to fix, because I can't even help a big part of the problem. There's more I want to say, but even here I hate making everything public.
Well, first of all, a happy birthday! I hope the day turns out better than you anticipated! (*hug*) Don't feel bad about letting it all out. Sometimes things just get too much and you need to vent. There's nothing wrong with asking people for some support when you're going through a hard time. And just writing it all down can help structure your thoughts. Now, when you're in a tight spot, and you have everything coming at you at once, it's always best to take a breath, and take a step back. Look at what the problems are, what you need to do to fix each of them, and prioritise. It seems to be as if there's not much you can directly do about the military. You're stuck with it until your service ends. Just try to keep a low profile, and weather it. You say you have no rights, but is there any way in which you could get transferred to another unit, or do you have a counsilor or chaplain or any person there who you could confide in about your problems with your superior? Family can be tough to come out to, but don't stress out about any hypothetical reactions. sometimes people can really surprise you. If they never had to deal with homosexuality before, you can hardly blame them for not searching out the info themselves. If they love you, being gay is not going to change that. Gettin uninformed reactions is not really fun, but that just means it is up to you to educate them. Also, hinting can be tricky. I thought I spoon-fed my family hints before I came out. Guess what? They had no idea! It's easy to think hints are massive, when they won't notice because they lack access to your thoughts. Maybe it would help to have a plan to come out to them. You have any family members you're particularly close to? Maybe it would be best to tell them one-on-one first. It's a lot less intimidating that way, and it creates a support network that you can use when you come out to the rest. And then we come to the last part. You almost gloss over the lack of friends. However, it should be the first of your troubles to tackle, if you ask me. You need real friends! Even just sending a friend a small comment, or a short text message, and knowing they think of you can be a massive relief. Getting friends might seem hard, but it's not as hard as it's made out to be. Maybe check if there is a GLBT group in your area. There will be people thee that understand how you are feeling, and might be good friends and support to fall back on when times are though. Even if you don't have a GLBT group nearby, maybe you could join a sports club, or a book club, or anything that interests you. You'll find people to befriend in short order there! I hope this helps a bit. I know you're hesitant to just throw personal info on here. If you want to discuss more, and without having it all in the forums you can always send me (or any of the other staff) a PM! We're here to help, and sworn to secrecy! Hope your birthday turns out to be better than you feared, and just remember that things always turn out OK, as bad as they might seem now. (*hug*)
You'd know more about the military than I would, but as Filip has suggested, aren't there counsellors you could make an appointment with? Couldn't you talk to someone about your superior? Why did you join the military to begin with? What was it that inspired you to sign up? How can you reconnect with that inspiration? Otherwise, I have to direct you to the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Good luck, and try to make the best of it.
