when to tell.

Personally, I think 11 is an ok age to tell. She's prior or close to the age when other students will start saying: "fag, faggot, dyke," etc. And you have the chance to educate her about LGBT issues. Since you're pansexual if I remember correctly, you have a wide things to talk about (gender identity, attraction etc). I wouldn't get too technical about the "sex", but saying things like: "Some women are attracted to women, and some men are attracted to men, and others are attracted to opposites. And all of them are ok."

That'd be a positive talk. And since you're educated on the matter yourself, she'd get the total 411. I'm sure she'll hear the "sex talk" about pregnancy and other things in school, from parents etc soon if she hasn't already. Talking about something as important as this is probably a good idea too.

The only thing is... parents might not agree.. that's the only hiccup I can see really.

 

I'm glad to see this thread here, because it has alot of the questions that I myself have. I have brothers who are 5 and 12, and have wondered lately what the right age is to tell them. Ihave heard my brother mention before that gay is a bad word and I immediately said that it is not a bad word and explained why to him.

I think that this is a good discussion to have. I know that it would have made it alot easier for me to come out earlier if I had known more about gay people, and even had one in the family. As far as I know I am the only one in my whole family who is gay.

 

at 11 you only really need to inform her what lgbt is and that it isn't a bad thing or else people at school will let her know that thing are just so gay..which will lead to thinking 'gay' and the like are bad things.
as for coming out to her - only do this when you feel you and her are ready for it, at this stage in life even if you are ready she might not be (emotionally and mentally)

 

when your both watching tv just ask her if she has a boyfriend. then if she has a girlfriend. she, most probably, will say something like eww (she is 11 after all) then ask her about her reactions. talk through them with her.

 

From what I remember, they did sex ed back in Year Six (the last of primary school) when I was a kid. So you'll probably find that she already knows the basics of procreation, etc. But of course homosexuality is something that they don't really teach in mainstream schools.

I would personally think that 12 is an OK age to start broaching things to her, or even a later 11. But one thing I would make sure is that she knows all about the 'birds and the bees' before you start teaching her about other types of sex. Don't wanna overload her with too much info at once.

 

I've talked to my kids about my orientation - and they are 6 and 8. I'm not sure it's an ideal age - the 6 year old was maybe a little young to really get it. However, the 8 year old knew what gay meant, and she's fine with it.

What I've been told is that kids between the ages of 7 and 12 are old enough to understand the concepts of relationships between people, and young enough to take their cue regarding values (what things are good vs. bad) from their parents (and presumably older siblings). Once they're in their teens, they tend to take their cues from their peers.

Kids today talk about boyfriends and girlfriends at a very young age. They've grown up hearing stories of princes and princesses. They get it. So introducing the concept of a princess falling in love with another princess isn't really a big deal. It's just giving them something to consider outside of what they've already been presented with.

It doesn't have to have anything to do with sex (or "the birds and the bees"). Nothing at all. Young children don't know how their heterosexual parents have sex, but they understand that they love each other and that they're a couple. Similarly, they don't need to understand how gays or lesbians have sex, but they can understand that they can also love each other and be a couple.

It also isn't necessary for you to come out as part of this discussion - unless you want to.

 

I asked them both if they knew what 'gay' meant. And the 8 year old already knew that it was when a boy likes another boy or a girl likes another girl. And that's what we said again so that the younger one understands.

You don't need to prove anything or justify it either. You just explain it for what it is. Kids are far more open to 'different' things than adults are. You'd be surprised. After we'd had the talk, the kids just carried on playing with whatever they had been playing with before. It didn't change their world much at all.

I also explained that some people don't understand what it means to be gay. And when people don't understand something, they sometimes make fun of it. Not because there's really anything wrong with it, but simply because they don't understand it and therefore don't know how to deal with it.

There's a thread in the coming out forum where I talk about coming out to my kids. I may have provided more details there.

You don't need to make a big deal out of it. If you do, they might get the impression that this is some kind of dark, mysterious thing that they're not supposed to talk about. If you treat it as a 'matter of fact' kind of thing, they'll do the same. Good luck!

 

Well, a lot of good advice has already been given here. And I could never trump Jim's excellent advice!

So what I'm trying to say is basically the same as Jim: if you keep it matter-of-fact and just tell that falling in love with the same sex is nothing different from falling in love with the opposite sex, then you're already on the good path!

I don't think you'd necessarily need to start off with the definition of pansexuality and the differences with homosexuality and bisexuality. Don't get me wrong, it's interesting to discuss, but the core of what you'd want to get across is that whoever we love makes no difference, and that it would be foolish to make fun of people for feeling love.

I know you can do this! (*hug*)

 

I definitely knew what gay meant by the time I was 11, and had had a couple of sex education classes, so if sex ed in schools is similar at all to here, she'd probably at least have some idea. I definitely agree with some of the others that the most important thing to talk about is how it's OK to love whoever you want, and definitely use the word love - everything I'd heard about gay people about that age was more about the physical, I don't think I knew the concept that gay people actually loved each other, and when I realised that, that was like a light bulb coming on.

Something like "Mostly boys like girls and girls like boys, but sometimes girls like girls, and boys like boys, and that's all just as normal. If you love someone who loves you back, that's all that's important. Some people think it's bad or wrong to love someone who's the same sex as you are, and tease people who do, but really there's nothing wrong with it. The people who tease just don't understand, and people sometimes make fun of things they don't understand." might work pretty well, with your own spin on it.

 

Yea the comments start young... And often are meant innocently like "that's gay" even though they mean "stupid or dumb". I think it'd be a good time to teach them early that that's not cool and is actually hurtful.

 

Thanks for the update Adam. I hope it goes well on the weekend.