1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out to my brothers

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by knight of ni, Dec 15, 2009.

  1. knight of ni

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2009
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    I've been out to my parents since September 2007, but I haven't told my brothers yet.
    Partly this is because I told my parents when I wasn't really ready (long story)... I had planned to tell my brothers before I told my parents, but it didn't work out like that.
    But when I came back from university at Christmas 07, my parents and I had a long discussion: all the usual stuff, when did I know I was gay, was I sure, was I in a relationship, etc. But my Dad insisted that I not tell my brothers. At the end of a long talk (I spent most of the two hours shaking), in which Mum and Dad had taken things reasonably well, I didn't want to push my luck by insisting on coming out to my brothers.
    The reasons my Dad gave for me not coming out to them were hardly good ones: my little brother was 16, and Dad didn't want him 'questioning himself' because of my example (rubbish, I know, but I was shattered after the talk, too worn out to object). I get along alright with my middle brother, but there are plenty of things that we disagree on, so Dad worried (more plausibly) that if I told my middle brother, he and I might fall out, which would upset family time at Christmas.

    So, coming up to Christmas 09, my brothers still don't know. I want to tell them, and I've promised myself that I'll do something about it while I'm home over the holidays. I know that its my decision who to tell and when, and that of course I should trust my brothers as much as I trust my parents, and so I should be equally open with them. The problem is that I don't want to upset my parents by coming out without at least letting them know I'll be doing it, first.
    So, the plan is to go home, have a talk with my parents and tell them I want to come out to my brothers. I'm ready to meet all their objections with rational arguments and evidence, but at the end of the day, if they still refuse, I'm prepared to tell them I'm doing it anyway. It could be really difficult for a few days, until I fly away again, but I'm financially independent now, so if everything is a disaster, once I'm on the flight back to Scotland, I'm ok.
    I'd be grateful for any advice: anyone been in a situation like this before? How did you handle it? Do you think I should just tell my brothers without talking to my parents at all? Talk to my parents but do what they ask me to? Talk to them but come out to my brothers regardless? I've been worrying about this for weeks, and its at the point where I'm not looking forward to going home at all because of it. :icon_sad:
     
  2. olides84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2008
    Messages:
    953
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Belgium
    I suppose it would be nice to give the courtesy to your parents to inform them (not ask them) that you are going to tell your brothers, but any and all decisions should be yours. You want to do this, so do it! Especially because if I read it right, even your little brother is 18 now, so you are all adults. Good luck!
     
  3. L|L

    L|L
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To quell their objections, perhaps you could wait until the 26th to tell them.
     
  4. Ander Blue

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2009
    Messages:
    282
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Copenhagen, Denmark (normally Troy, New York)
    To second what olides84 said, I wouldn't ask you're parents their consent if you are going to do it either way. If you decide to tell them, let your parents know that you are going to tell them and do it in a way that shows you've already made firm your decision on this. I think you'll run into a lot of problems if you go in asking for your parents consent and don't get it, but tell your brothers anyways. Really, you want to tell your brothers, so if you talk to your parents it should be for help in telling them, not whether or not you should.
     
  5. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, I can't really speak from personal experience, but announcing it to your parents and then going through with it would seem like the best course of action. That way they're prepared when your brothers bring it up. I know that if I'd ever come out to the rest of the family, I would tell my mother first.

    In a way, it's a logical reaction of theirs. Parents seem to always aim for the status-quo situation. And they like to be in control. In a way, I doubt parents ever really notice their kids become adult enough to live their own life...
    They might throw all kinds of excuses in your face, but you already have the answers to all of them. And they probably need to learn that you're all adults now, and they can't control who you're out to anymore.

    That said, it might be best not to tell your brothers in the middle of Christmas dinner itself, and do it when you see them alone and are sure you can answer their questions.

    It's a tough situation, but you can do it! And when this is all over, you'll all be happier for it, even your parents! (*hug*)
     
  6. knight of ni

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2009
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    Thanks for the advise, everyone. I will be careful not to ask my parent's permission, because then I would have a problem if they said 'no.'
    Filip: don't worry, I wasn't planning to sit down to Christmas dinner and say, "Mum, would you please pass the gravy... to a homosexual?" I'm at home until early January, so there's plenty of time after the 25th to have the conversations.
     
  7. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Lol, I might have been exaggerating the importance of timing a bit there!

    As wrong as that would be, I now feel terribly tempted to come out that way to my family over Christmas :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    As an aside, this reminded me of a story I once heard (and it might have been totally made-up) of a guy who came out that way during dinner. After which his mom passed the gravy straight to... his dad :eek:
     
  8. Just Adam

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2009
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My AV room
    i would say do it after christmasbbut def do it.

    i dunno how i would of felt about your dad saying what he did to u in your position...almost saying by you coming out to him it could make him gay >.>

    stupid iggnorance but i think filip is right parents allways liek to be in control and maintain a peace they liek things to be easy and what they can understand and the fact is alot of parents cant understand or help their kids when they come out as theyve jsut no idea what to do or feel as theve no experience what its like to be gay...

    if a son has a girlfriend the dad usually knows what to do if its only a punch to shoulder and thats my boy and making sure mum does teh contraception talk >.> ...

    i dont want to sound cold but if your brother cant accept u when youcome out and jsut sees it as another reason to fall out with you then that isnt a healthy bond to have, its important to ealise in life jsut because people are family doesent mean they should get on they are still individuals.


    good luck and be pproud and confident in who you are (*hug*)
     
  9. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you're worried about doing it during Christmas, just do it right now via phone. Then you won't be "interrupting Christmas". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. lilmantate96

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would just say to your parents something like "I am going to tell Bob and Bill (your brothers) that I am gay. I have made up my mind and I am going to do it. " Then just go do it. They should take it well because it seems like you were raised in a non-homophobic family.
     
  11. knight of ni

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2009
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    UPDATE:
    Thanks for the advice, everyone! I'm out to my brothers!
    They came to visit me last week, and since they both go to university a long way away, I don't seem them very often. I wanted to come out face to face, so their visit gave me a window of a few days, which made me bite the bullet and get on with it. So I sent my parents an email telling them I was going to come out to my brothers (it took AGES to write!), and they didn't argue.
    Best part, my brothers are very supportive. They left me a note thanking me for my hospitality, and saying that they understood coming out must have "taken balls" and that it's totally fine. So I'm a happy man, and I'm more or less at the end of my 'list-of-people-I-want-and-need-to-come-out-to' so life is a bit simpler from now on!
     
  12. Beachboi92

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,099
    Likes Received:
    1
  13. adam88

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    815
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    Congrats. :slight_smile: I'm glad it went well for you. :slight_smile: