So, I was texting with my friend who I came out to over the weekend, and I asked how her brother was taking the news. Her response was that he was mulling things over, and not even related to my coming out of the closet. Now, in the interests of full disclosure, before coming out of the closet, I was, at varying intervals, angry, moody or depressed 75% of the time. As a result, since my friend, who we'll call Steve, bore the brunt of my wrath, and his sister said she honestly doesn't know what conclusion he's going to come to. This all just got me to thinking and just being very sad about the fact that my depression and moodiness and anger over not wanting to accept this part of me may have cost a valuable friendship, as there are some bridges that are so badly burned that they can't be repaired. It just kinda bummed me out and really has me thinking back over the last ten years with an awful lot of regrets for the choices I've made and the people I've hurt with those choices...
(*hug*) Whatever choices and decisions you may have made, just remember, you're you, and you wouldn't be as accomplished as you are today had you not made some of those decisions. I truely think everything happens for a reason. And in the end, even if you disclose the information, they aren't accepting, you try to educate them... then they weren't true friend material anyway (as bad as it sounds). I know I'm not the only one on EC who may have lost a friend due to coming out.
Hindsight is always 20/20. It's easy to look back at mistakes and kick ourselves, but it really doesn't help (except, perhaps, to discourage from repeating the same mistakes.) You really can't blame yourself because for various reasons, you weren't ready to make the disclosure about your sexuality to your friends at an earlier point. And your friends will no doubt recognize that as well, soon enough. One of the things I've learned is that time does heal most, if not all, things, so you may be surprised to find that bridges that are burned can get rebuilt over time, particularly as people understand why you were feeling the way you did. Put your energy into being the best person you can be, and acknowledge (but don't dwell on) your prior behaviors... and i think you'll be surprised at how fast people can come around
dont be sad!! just remember the past is the past. all we can do is learn from it and use it to help make us better!!
Thanks to all (&&&) It really hit me while I was working today - I can either constantly beat myself up about the mistakes I made while I was in the closet (aside from actually staying in the closet) or I can just chalk it up to a lesson learned and not to be repeated. Ah, responses like these - this is why I love you guys (*hug*)
So, there's a new development on this. I had coffee tonight with several friends, and we talked at length about the stuff I brought up in the original post. As I've been giving a lot of thought to the friendships I developed while I was in the closet, one of the things coming out has forced me to do is to analyze those relationships - are they healthy, are they good for me or for the other person involved? In at least two cases, the thought that keeps popping into my head over and over again is that these relationships are toxic - there are things about me that just drive them up a wall and vice-versa. This has nothing to do with my sexuality, it has everything to do with surrounding myself with healthy and affirming people. As I've thought about this over the course of the week this week, there is what I would describe as loss, or grief, at the loss of a friendship, but sometimes the better part of wisdom is knowing when the best thing you can do for someone is to voluntarily let go of a friendship. I'm becoming more and more secure in my conception of who I am, and that is a process they are going through as well, although theirs is different for very obvious reasons. This has been a good process to think through this week, and I just wanted to say thanks to the posters above for their statements that got me started thinking about this
Awesome. Detoxing your friends and environment is always for the best. Surround yourself with support and love and you'll start to grow wings which you can soon spread and fly.
