So I found this forum about a month ago and have been lurking ever since. I found a lot of helpful advice and made me want to come out to my mother. Basically I've felt for a long time that I was probably gay but I feel like I repressed it. I basically discovered some gay erotic stories online when I was around 12 and 13 and didn't think much about it at the time, I just liked them and it got me aroused. Before I started to go through puberty I never questioned my sexuality and even at the time I didn't, these were just stories that I liked. Then when I started to get older and got into high school I sort of tried to repress these feelings or didn't think of them as gay. It became more of a submissive/dominating thing. However the older I got the more I fantasized more about men and not women. However I never labeled it one way or another, it was just way in the back of my head. I think one of the reasons why I tried not to think of things as gay or straight is because of the school I went to. I went to this super southern christian school and being gay wasn't an option, it wasn't even something I considered (sex was a taboo subject anyway). When I went to prom or other school social events it never even occurred to me what guy I would bring it was always about what girl I would bring. So I guess the whole thing is, I wasn't aroused by girls physically but mentally I was, if that makes sense. It was more like being turned on by these erotic gay stories was just a sexual thing I did on my own and in my "real life" I would go to these dances and events with the girls in my class and never thought much of it. However as I got older and went to college I felt like I was missing something. Almost like I went on these "friend dates" with girls to the dances and nothing physical ever happened cause the thoughts never really crossed my mind to take it to a physical level, that I know most boys have at 17 or 18. So in college I felt almost like I was behind everyone else. I had never been in a real relationship and had never been with anyone. I was embarassed and ashamed and thought something was wrong with me. I had these friend crushes on girls but couldn't think of them sexually. But I was turned on by these stories of men yet in real life I felt some sort of block. Those crushes didn't want to go there. My wires were crossed. Anyway I feel like I am repeating myself a bit. I horribly tried to make goals for the year saying I would lose my virginity by 19, 20, 21, and the years kept slipping past. I made out with girls at parties and even got close to a few but nothing ever happened and worse was that I didn't care. I thought I was asexual and tried to go with that in my head for awhile but still felt something was missing. At the end of my sophomore year though I kind of started to accept it to myself and for a year and half now that is what I've been doing. Just accepting the idea that I was gay to myself and I've become more comfortable with the idea, though I do still feel like wires are crossed. I've been aroused by a few of the gay guys I am friends with now but have never done anything, they all think I'm straight though a few have begun to question why I've never had a girlfriend in college. I finally felt like I was ready to come out and told my mother yesterday after getting the courage and the conversation went really well. She said she was shocked and surprised and had no idea and I backpedaled a little bit today saying that I hadn't been with a guy and so I wasn't 100% sure (even though I think the first time I hook up I think I will know for sure). She was very supportive though and said that she loved me but everyone went fine and today we talked about it again but things remained relatively normal. I guess I just don't know what to do now, I'm not ready to tell my sisters yet or my dad but I am ready to go back to my last semester of college and start to experiment more. I kind of feel like it was a mistake to tell my mom but I almost felt like I had to before I did anything. So I guess I wasn't 100% sure, but I told my mom that I couldn't honestly see myself with a girl and that I was 95% sure that I was gay. So I feel like I am ready to make another step and to go back to school with confidence that my family won't disown me (which I didn't think the would to begin with) and start dating.
Just quickly wanted to add, that over the past four years I slowly have brought my weight down from 240 pounds down to 170, I feel like I am now just getting comfortable with a slimmer body and I think that my own personal body issues also helped with the repressive nature.
Welcome to EC! Don't panic about being "behind" everybody else. I came out at about your age, and things have gone amazingly well for me. It seems like you've made the first steps, and they're going quite well. If I could suggest a next step, it'd be to check out your school's LBGTQ organization. Most have "open door" times where you can go in and find out about them. Why do I suggest going? A bunch of reasons. Having other people you can actually talk with about being gay/questioning can help a ton. Plus, it'll introduce you to people in your dating pool...and even if the guys THERE don't float your boat, they'll have friends that perhaps do. Lex
Hi there and welcome to EC! Glad you decided to create an account and post your story! First off, congratulations on coming out to yourself and to your mum. It took a lot of courage and it is something to be proud off. You have taken a couple of major steps already, and things will get easier. Having your mum's support is important as it will allow you to start moving further in the coming out process and you might also feel more at ease to experiment and perhaps finding a date or perhaps even a boyfriend. I don't think it was a mistake at all. You did it for a reason, and the reason you have provided is a really good reason (which also goes for any other reasons). I'm impressed with your determination to change things not just about being yourself but also with other things that had an impact on how you saw yourself. Bringing down your weight to a point where you feel comfortable, is another accomplishment. As you have identified, often times seemingly unrelated issues are in some ways connected, and once we start dealing with one that is bothering us, we also begin to work on the other. If you haven't done so yet, go out and celebrate. Being ready to go back to college and to experiment more is a good sign and it shows how far you have come. Maybe you could create a couple of new goals that will help you to reconfirm your feelings and your sexual identity. I don't know if you have done so, but maybe try finding a LGBT support group at your college and join them for some of their social activities (if they have any). Another thing you could perhaps do is look into community support groups that will allow you to be yourself even more so. You have mentioned you have a couple of gay friends. Maybe go out more often with them, knowing that you can now shift your goals and focus. I don't think there is any rush in coming out to your dad or sisters. As you go back and experiment more, you will become even more comfortable and over time you will be ready to come out to the rest of your family. Congratulations on your journey thus far. (*hug*)
Hi, and welcome to EC! Thanks for sharing your story. Coming out to anyone is a big step, especially if it is to a family member. And feelings of being slightly disoriented afterwards are not really abnormal. Once it turns out no disasters happen, and that in the end people are supportive after all, lots of opportunities open that you might heve never seen before! Going out and exploring more about your sexuality sounds like a good idea. Seeing if there's a GLBT organisation at university and going to a meeting may help a lot on clarifying how you feel. Also, if you have close gay friends, it might be worthwile to come out to one or two of them, and talk to them about it. Sometimes just telling a story already clears things up a lot. The most important thing is to take it at your own pace. There's no rush in coming out. Sometimes I wish I came out when I was 15 instead of when I was 25. But in the end, I took the time I needed. Also, coming out isn't all or nothing. you can come out to anyone you feel comfortable with, without being obliged to come out to all your friends. And it's a self-enforcing circle. For me, coming out to a few people, made me more sure about my own orientation, which made me come out to more people, etc... I must say that your new year's resolutions of losing your virginity made me laugh out loud. It sounds remarkably similar to what i did every year. In fact, this year is the first year I'm not having that as a resolution. Whatever the statistical average say, there's no right or wrong time for dating and where to take relationships either. So I think you're doing great already! Good luck with taking the next steps!
As I've said to several people this week, welcome to the club! I want through pretty much the same thing at the end of October. Self-deception can sneak up just like you described, with your mind unable to even consider same-sex crushes as your brain keeps telling itself "That's gay! Knock it off!". Getting over that mental block is a big hurdle, but one I've been overcoming slowly. It comes with time. So hold in there, and congratulations on coming out to your mother. It really helps to tell and talk to someone about it, just to get it off your chest.
