I guess love doesn't last forever...

Hi EC. Sorry I've been out of touch recently, but college is super demanding. However, I'm home from school now and that means I'm coming home to EC as well. Anyway, the matter at hand is dismal compared to my homecoming. I think after over a year and a half together, my boyfriend and I are breaking up. Maybe this is just a rant about it, but I hope it'll offer some guidance to those currently in or want to pursue relationships in the future. I feel like this post will be fairly lengthy, so I apologize in advance. I guess I'll start at the beginning:

It was March 2008, and I was talking to this very cute guy. No clue he was gay, but I had an inkling in my head. We would talk for hours on the phone, having a blast, and I was absolutely smitten. May came around, and we both finally built up the guts to tell each other. I was nowhere near out yet having told only one friend, and he wasn't either with only his mom knowing. However, we managed to work it out having secret rendez-vous during lunch thanks to open campus (where students get to go outside the school to eat lunch). Junior year quickly came to an end and summer started. We decided to take a physics class together at the local community college as an excuse to spend more time together. I had to make excuses to see him because my parents would never approve of me hanging out with just one other guy so much. Especially my mom because I could tell that deep down she knew. My parents are both conservative. That combined with my incessant fear of rejection drove me to cover up all of our dates with an excuse. Anyway, we both seemed content having an excuse, and he was very understanding about the situation. I loved him so much for that.

Senior year finally came, and we were going to boss up the school! All the spectacular moments I had during my senior year, I shared with him. It was absolutely phenomenal. Everyone knew us as best buds. I had inherited the Student Store from the previous ASB Treasurer which gave us the opportunity for some very hot make-out sessions after school. We were absolutely inseparable. Yet, it seemed he was moving full-steam ahead in terms of his identity, coming out to more close friends. However, in the process, he would also tell others about me as well. I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me that I should come out when I was ready and not have someone else do it for me. I told my boyfriend, and he told me that he thought people would ask about me anyway so he'd end up telling them. That got me worried, but I quickly brushed it aside. Eventually, our relationship slowed down. The novelty lost its sparkle, and our relationship became a bit lackluster. However, I figured that's all a part of being in a relationship. We became comfortable in our routine, but eventually he wanted more out of it. He'd always want to go on dates, and I would, too. But my parents would always make me feel guilty with the constant "Why do you two go out so often together?" questions. My mother had also found out about us over the summer and (big shocker) did not approve of me being gay as well as having a boyfriend. So, I would always have to either make an excuse to my parents to let me go out or make an excuse to my boyfriend so that I could stay in. We managed to stay together for the rest of senior year, and summer finally came. (I promise I'll speed it up I swear!)

It felt that he was becoming very attached to me. I guess it was the combination of not seeing me so often and me going off to college in the fall while he stayed here. However, even knowing the reasons why, I still felt like I needed space. He would always make me feel guilty about it stating that I won't be seeing him too much come three months. Our fights became more constant, but we still felt like our love for each other could help us through it. College finally came around. I left, and we shared a tearful goodbye. He did a spectacular job of giving me time to enjoy my college experience. We talked a couple times weekly and were eager to see each other when I came back.

I did. And somehow, everything felt different. I felt like I changed (yes I know very cliched). My boyfriend wanted to smother me by hanging out as many times in a week as I could. He even wanted to hang out tomorrow, but I had prior plans, and, again, he made me feel guilty for it. It got to the point where we were yelling at each other over the phone. He had become so fed up with me and my parents. I could see his point, and at the same time I was mad at him for all the negative things that had come out of our relationships. The forced coming-outs, the constant guilt. Then, it occurred to me. Maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe I need to spend more time finding myself first, loving myself, before I can love someone else. It also occurred to me, that despite my romantic idealizations, maybe, just maybe, my boyfriend wasn't always the right one for me. I had become so caught up in being in a relationship, so afraid of being alone, that I stuck through a lot of our relationship for just that reason.

I'm so sorry this is so long. If you took the time to read this all, I commend you and thank you deeply. But I just wanted to offer my advice to everyone from this piece of experience. I'm not saying that you have to find yourself before you get into a relationship for we all no that that path is not necessarily straightforward (no pun intended) nor is it necessarily ever complete. However, I'm just saying that honesty can help simplify complicated matters. So please, be honest with yourself , and know that the journey of self-discovery is never over. I realized that that was hindering my relationship, and so that, combined with several other factors, led me to my decision. And, as for relationships, sometimes they do work out sometimes they don't. But, hey, there are other fish in the sea, and love will always find you.

PS: I feel so much better having ranted this out. Thank you EC!