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Might be breaking the age rule

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by shimmersky, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. shimmersky

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    Okay, so, I am aware of the dating age rule, which is:

    Don't date under: (Your Age / 2) + 7
    Don't date over: (Your Age - 7) * 2

    Which, for me, since I'm 19, means it is socially acceptable for me to date anyone from 16.5-24.

    ....I have a huge, gigantic crush on a 36-year-old woman. She absolutely adores me. We are extremely compatible. However, if we dated, I would feel unable to introduce her to any of my friends/family. :frowning2: What should I do?
     
  2. Mind Freak

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    Give her a chance. They don't need to know that she's 36 right off the bat!
    Especially if she doesn't look the part. : )
     
  3. Gin Uh Fur

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    that isnt so bad. and since when are there age rules? this is new to me. i say go for it.
     
  4. x2x2x2x2y2

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    I didnt know bout that rule!! lol um i say give her a chance. Maybe after you guys start dating you wont care when you introduce her to your family/friends.
     
  5. Ben

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    Well it's not like it's a law or anything, so if you're both responsible enough to be in a healthy relationship, you might find ways together past the social boundaries.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think as long as you are comfortable with dating her, and feel that you would like to give it a go, I'd say give it a chance.

    That said, sometimes because of the age gap, the commonalities run out quickly and the different life experiences or the difference in your life stages will come to the fore. Also, because of the age gap there could be a bit of a concern in terms of being under pressure to do certain things or finding yourself in situations where you might find it difficult to assert your own opinion or feeling.

    Maybe think about all the pros and cons, before going on a date.
     
  7. RaeofLite

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    Mm, I can relate. I seem to be attracted to women older than me (which happens to be 5+ years older than me).

    Mirko had some good advice, as did the others though.
     
  8. shimmersky

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    Thank you all so much for your advice.
    It seems like a lot less of a big deal now.
    I will think about this for a long time. And probably literally make a pro-con list. :slight_smile:
    And then, I have a feeling that I will probably just give it a chance. There's not much harm in just going on a date. We don't have to pick out wallpaper over coffee.
    And, if it doesn't work out, that's okay too. And I now know what to look out for-- I need to make sure we have enough in common, and that she isn't forcing me into anything, and that I feel we are equals.

    Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
     
  9. Greggers

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    Thats not even close to a rule, pfft.

    If you cant control what gender your attracted to, how are you supposed to control not being attracted to an older woman?

    I say if its mutual, go for it. Better to you!
     
  10. Schu

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    Since it's legal, and consensual, go for it. If it feels weird when you do, stop.
     
  11. Chip

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    I'm going to be the contrarian here and say.... spend some time and really think about your motivations.

    It's pretty common, when we seek out a relationship with someone many years older (and 36 is almost old enough to be your mother), there's something else going on psychologically... a desire to connect to a partner in a dependent way, a desire to get something that we didn't have from our own parents.

    Additionally, because of the enormous age difference *at your age* it is difficult (though not impossible) to have a balanced relationship that is interdependent rather than codependent. Someone 36 will typically have way more life experience and wisdom than someone 19, and that can create an imbalance in the power dynamics in the relationship.

    Now... all of that said, it's very possible to have a healthy relationship with that sort of age difference, but I do believe that you should give some real thought to what it is you're finding yourself attracted to, and whether that attraction is likely to be healthy in the long term. If it is, then go for it. If not, I'd think long and hard, and perhaps discuss it with a counselor or therapist before you get invested into it heavily.
     
  12. shimmersky

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    You're right, Chip. I need to think about it more. In fact, when you said that, I think I figured out what it was that I wanted from her.

    Now I just gotta decide whether or not that's wrong...

    But, Schu, good point. If it feels weird and I want out, there's nothing stopping me from saying no. I am completely able to be assertive.

    And, Greggers, lol. Thank you for the encouragement. You make me smile. Pretty much all of your posts make me go, "Hey, wait a minute, you're RIGHT, omg!"

    Love you all for the advice. Seriously, sincerely, completely.

    Gotta think this one over for a while. I've never even considered dating someone more than 4 years older than me before.
     
  13. chiboi15

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    I'm on the other end---I met a guy in a bar a little over a month ago. I'm 33 he's 21 but I thought he was 25 and he thought I was 25.

    I totally adore him but (and he's d&*n cute) but at the same time there's a HUGE maturity gap and I definitely feel a disconnect in that department. I'm reasonably certain I can sense "a desire to connect to a partner in a dependent way, a desire to get something that we didn't have from our own parents," as an earlier poster put it, from him. And I do NOT want that in a relationship. Which is really challenging for me b/c even I know what I want and need and know he can't fulfill those needs and am almost certain I need to move on I'm still head over heels over him anyway.

    So, I would definitely have some second thoughts and not rush into something too quickly.
     
  14. -Michael-

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    Why such a complicated rule when its basically 2 years either way
     
  15. shimmersky

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    If you do the math, you will see that that age gap increases as you get older. That's why it's an equation instead of a number of years-- to indicate that as people get older, age gaps matter less and less. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Pseudojim

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    if you like her, i say why not? i put no stock in "age rules" (unless you're actually under age)