please help me ='(

katie, take it easy okay ! well my advice would be just be your self and be confident! if your being your self and she can't accept it; then she is not devoted to u, i mean; you shouldn't be the one who always holds a relationship.. i kno that you love her that much but try not to be cling to her; mayb that's what's bugging her? i dunno how long you two have been together but if it was like a month then just drop it otherwise if it was half a year or so.. try talking to her and see what happens, good luck , hope this helps

 

First of all, have you told her everything that you have told us here? If not, you really should because she needs to know exactly how you feel. You need to let her know not only that you love her so much and couldn't stand to lose her, but that you recognize that you have issues that are causing a problem in your relationship. Communication is a must for both of you, and if you are unable to talk about your problems honestly and try to work them out, that will be what causes your relationship to fail - not the problems themselves. Every couple has problems, but the successful couple is open to talking about problems, each party is open to recognizing that they may be at fault, and is committed to working to fix the problem.

So: have a talk with her, tell her you love her, tell her you know you have problems you need to fix, and talk to her about anything that she does that you don't feel is good for your relationship. Try not to get upset with her, and really listen to what she has to say.

I also want to add that if you are scared of confrontation because she always gets really angry, or because she never will look at things rationally or whatnot, that needs to stop. You shouldn't have to be walking around on eggshells with people you love and who love you back.

 

I have the SAME issue with jealousy. I know it's really hard to be with someone when you have that kind of jealousy. But, I would suggest talking to her about it. Telling her that that is a part of you. And try to find a way that she can help make you not jealous, and ways you can learn not to be jealous. Maybe you can see a psychologist to help you with your jealousy or something. I haven't found a way to fix mine exactly, but these are some things I think would help. (Haven't had a very long relationship so never got to talk about it, and I haven't went to a psychologist about it because I don't want to.) Anyways, as said before, maybe your like me again (lol), and could be too clingy sometimes. I know you love her, and you might want to spend all your time with her, but that's not the way everyone else is. Some people need their alone time, or time to do things with regular friends etc or they will be unhappy in the relationship, and resent you for not allowing them to do things other than spend time with you. Anyways, I suggest talking to her about it. Tell her your feelings, and make sure you do not blame her for them if you think they are not because of her (if they are try to say it something like this "I have jealousy issues and when you talk to other girls it upsets me even though I know your not doing anything wrong." as opposed to "you talk to other girls all the time even though you know I have jealousy issues.") Anyways, tell her about the jealousy problems, tell her your going to work on them (and do work on them), and try to have a completely honest conversation without arguing and discuss your issues and hers and try to find ways you can solve them.


Anyways, I hope the advice works if you take it, but I'm kinda a failure at relationships so idk if you should take it.

 

OK, I want you to do something difficult. I want you to try to step out of your skin for a minute, and reread your post. Reread it like I read it - as somebody that knows absolutely zero about what's going on other than what you've written.

What do you see?

Here's what I'm seeing. Someone who is majorly insecure. Someone who is scared to deal with potential conflict because of what she might uncover. Someone who, because she's scared to see what might be behind the curtain, is starting to imagine large dreadful monsters behind there. And someone who is getting so on edge about worrying that the vase might fall off the shelf and break, that she might just pick it up and smash it to bits just to get it over with.

Am I close at all?

Your major problem, from what I can tell, is the lack of communication. I don't know how big a role she plays in it - it might be great, it might be minimal - but you're certainly contributing to it. Couples fight. Maybe not claws-bared, battles-to-the-death, but they have conflict. Conflict is inevitable when you have two not-exactly-the-same people put onto the same track. The question is how MUCH conflict you have, and you work on resolving that conflict. It seems like you don't have any HUGE issues if you're only arguing over rinky-dink things. The problem is that you don't work on resolving any of it. So it builds and builds, and then it all comes out at once over something trivial.

If you want this relationship to work - hell, if you want ANY relationship to work - you can't do this. Despite what you might think, a relationship IS work. A great one makes the work light, the same way you might enjoy writing a story or cooking a favorite meal, but that doesn't make it any less work. So resolve to stop being a passive participant in your relationship, and start getting proactive.

First off, open up the channels of communication. TALK to her. And when you do, look for the middle ground. Lemme give an example. Let's say she likes to tell you what to wear. "You should wear that purple shirt." And say you don't like her doing that. You don't want to be a pushover and just meekly accept it. And you don't want to be majorly confrontational by saying "I'm not your fucking Barbie doll." You want something in between. You want to make her aware that there is a problem, say your side of things, but still make it clear that you understand where SHE's coming from. So you might say something like "It's really cool that I've got someone like you who knows more about clothes than I do help me pick out my outfits. But sometimes, I don't really feel like wearing what you suggest, and I don't feel like saying so because I don't want to make waves." This would make it clear that there's a problem, but it makes it clear it's a shared problem, not an accusation. And from there, you can work on how best to go about working through it.

This isn't going to be easy. First off, you're used to dealing with these things in a more passive-aggressive way. And secondly, it takes practice to learn what words to choose to get what you want across. You're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna say things that make her mad. (I still do.) But it's a skill you have to gain if you want this, or any, relationship to thrive. In fact, your first attempt might be self-referential. Tell her you're having these issues, and you want to work on your communication with her, but you need her help on making it work. No, it's not going to be easy. But how bad do you want it?

Lex

 

I don’t really have anything major to add to this I think everyone else has covered the bases. However if your anything like me when it comes to confrontations and it is something very important to you, . . . well, my head and my heart get in the way and nothing comes out like I want it to.
My suggestion would be to write down what you want to say to her. All your hopes, dreams, desires, and needs in your relationship. Being sure to tell her what you want and need to give, as well as receive.
Good luck.