I'm new here, and I found this place because I am confused about myself and who I am, and while a few people know this situation, no one in real life really knows how confused I feel over this, and I don't know what to say or who to talk to about it... So I am a 23 year old female. I have always considered myself straight up until recently. I have a boyfriend of three years and I love him very much. I told him recently that there was a girl I was interested in sexually. He is very understanding because he is bisexual himself, and he told me it would be wrong of him to deny me the opportunity to try to figure out what I'm feeling. He gave me permission to do really whatever felt right with her and just ask that I let him know what happens, which I didn't mind. She and I ended up getting together a few weeks ago, and I find myself very much so attracted to her. My boyfriend and I have talked and I love him and want to stay with him, and he has agreed that we will have an open relationship for now with certain rules in place and see how that goes because he understands how I am feeling and my confusion. I guess I am just confused about what this means for me...Does this mean I am bisexual? Can I be straight but still feel this way for another female? In 23 years of living, she is the only female I have ever felt this way for, and I just am so confused about where it all came from. It is really hard for me to deal with this because I was raised in a VERY Catholic family where while we didn't hate people who were bisexual or gay, we also didn't support the lifestyle. I have grown out of a lot of the Catholic teachings about things, and I understand that what I feel isn't wrong, but somehow deep down inside of me I feel like I am doing several things that are bad by having an open relationship and by having relations with this girl. I know my parents would hate it and me if they were ever to find out (they had a hard enough time when they found out that my boyfriend was bisexual). Please don't take this as me saying that any of this is wrong, because I know deep down that it isn't wrong to feel how I feel. It is just very strange and confusing and difficult to deal with, especially since it all came on so suddenly and rather unexpectedly for me. I thought that by 23 I would have a pretty good sense of my sexuality, and I was quite certain I was straight until about a month or so ago when I realized I had feelings for this girl. I don't really know what I need to hear, but maybe someone has been in the same place and can offer some advice or support...I guess that is all I really need right now...
It takes many people (especially people with a religious background) many decades to realise that they're not straight. I can't say that you're not straight, maybe you are. It's a hard thing to define. But I would guess if you are physically attracted to her, and enjoy sex with her, you're probably bi, really the only other options are that you're experimenting or have convinced yourself that you like women when you don't or something like that, and from reading your post, you seem too self-aware for any of that. So my guess is that you're bisexual, or you might like some other words: heteroflexible, "I don't do labels", heteropreferal, "I'm not quite straight". You don't actually have to call yourself bisexual, though it may make things clearer if you explain things to other people.
It sounds like you went in the opposite order to me =) I figured out i was bi (or more accurately, open to sexual/romantic relations with men), and THEN started finding men in my day to day life attractive. [edit] though not many.... there was this one guy at the airport though..... *Drool* You don't need to label yourself. I use "bi" because it's convenient and at least gets across that i'm into men and women, which is close enough... if anyone wants to get into more specifics, fine. For you, do you feel like you need a label to know who you are? If so, then time will tell, and there's no need to be impatient... But if not, you are just you, be you and enjoy it. As for how it might impact your relationship, i have no experience there so i'll let someone better chime in =)
Heh, thanks for the foreshadowing, PseudoJim Pseudojim pointed out to me that this website might help you out a bit, help explain some things about non-traditional relationships. Hope it helps
My experience was pretty much identical to Pseudojim's, and only discovered I was a bi a few months ago. Sexual preferences change over time, I certainly don't think I was bi back in high school, but that changed some time over the past seven or eight years. About labels, I agree with Pseudojim as well. I use "Bisexual" because everyone knows what it is. I'm probably closer to "pan" as I've been attracted to genderqueer and trans people before too... but yeah, labels can be confusing.
Thanks for your advice guys, it really does help to know that I'm not alone in realizing this all later in life and that there is nothing wrong with me. And especially thanks to Schu for the site about what this can mean for my relationship. It's helpful to read all of that and know how to respond to those questions. I told one friend I thought I could trust to be supportive about the choice my boyfriend and I made to be open to other things, and she quickly responded with "well, you want to marry him don't you? Because if you do, I would cut out this girlfriend on the side stuff. I know I wouldn't get down on one knee for a girl who was seeing someone else on the side!" and I had no idea how to respond to that. I knew that wasn't really what was going on at all, but I had no real words to explain what was, so that was really helpful for me to have that information.
I'm glad you found that of use It's an incredibly handy thing to link to people that are unfamiliar with that kinda thing.
I'm someone that figured out I was gay later in life. I was married with 2 kids at the time - so I'd encourage you to work through this now and not avoid or deny it any longer.
I don't think I am or have been avoiding or denying anything, really. I just don't think that the right female came along before this. The more that I think about things, I think that I am bisexual but generally fall more on the straight side of things and I'm okay with that though I'm not ready for everyone in the world to know it yet.
