Excuse the lack of brevity... I have done my best to summarise: I fell (hard) for a guy that I was in a relationship with for only about 3 weeks. He was a little older than me (Me - 17, Him - 21). Age really wasn't a huge factor for us. He had returned to South Africa from America, and I started chatting to him through a friend. There was a spark immediately. We became intimate and passionate (we never had sex though - I told him there was plenty of time and no rush). He ended up sleeping with his ex, because they broke up before he went to America. He phoned me the next day and told me what he'd done. He apologised that it happened, but said he couldn't regret it. We broke up, and I only realised then how crushed I was. I knew I had liked him, but he was by far the most I'd ever cared for someone... What irritates me is that, even though we only dated for such a short time, he had such a massive effect on me. I got over him somewhat quickly (about 2 weeks), because when your bf/gf sleeps with someone else... it just makes them easier to forget (you think of them as a$$holes). If you get what I mean? What's weird is, I can't forget our intimate moments. I tried theorising it as "missing the concept of love, but not him", but that answer just doesn't satisfy me. I get visions (while daydreaming) of some of the romantic moments we had and I get knots in my stomach. I feel all fluttery and even get sad sometimes. How can I still "miss" the experiences I had with him when he cheated on me? I already spoke to a counsellor about what he did to me - I'm not traumatised about being cheated on, or that we're not together anymore; and I definitely don't miss the a$$hole, but... What is this? Why is this happening? If anyone can relate, I'd love to hear what you have to say, please.
Many of us have shared stories about how hard we fell for the 'first' guy we had some kind of relationship with. It happened to me as well, and the guy wasn't anything close to my ideal match. But at the time I was just consumed by him. Or at least I thought it was him. But it was the situation - not him. It was the first time I had let myself have those kind of feelings for someone - and those feelings were really strong because it was the first time - and I was in my mid 30s. So the fact that you're thinking of him is strictly because he was the first guy you were intimate with. And you miss the rush that came with that intimacy. You'll get over him. It just takes time.
I feel for ya man. I was in a similar situation. I was with someone for a bit longer (around a year or so) and he slept with my best mate the day before he was due to move away to england. Bummer huh. Like you, i got told straight away and how sorry he was and all the usual, you know. And since he moved away, we never got a chance to sort it out. After what happened, the last thing i wanted to do was talk to him. Anyway, i used to keep thinking of all the good times we had, and then id get smacked in the face with the realisation that he wasnt there anymore. Bah, it was lonely and i hated it. I honestly dont know if i was more angry that he wasnt there anymore or because he cheated. I guess it didnt matter what he did to me, he got right inside me (metaphorically!!!) as he was the first person i ever let all the defences down for. Well time went buy and it did get better, it appears time does heal all wounds! Now when i think back on it, im not angry or even sad at what happened, im happy. There were a lot of good times, and some of those feelings ive never had since, so i guess im thankful to him for that. You dont "miss the moments of love" as you put it, you miss him. You cant help caring about someone, so dont try to hate him or push him out your mind because of what he done, youll only hurt yourself trying. Everyone makes mistakes, and while he was definitely wrong in what he done, just remember all those good times you had and how he made you feel. Yeah its gone now, and yeah, it sucks, but dont push out all those memories things infavour of some bitter attitude towards him.
How many people have you been in a relationship that you have cared about alot before? If this is one of the first times, I would guess that's why. Once you get a taste of being in a caring relationship, it's like being introduced to a whole new world and you realize what you have been missing out on. Sure you two were only together for three weeks, but that is plenty of time to grow to care about someone. In fact, it's just enough time for you to realize what you do like about them without yet realizing what you don't like about them. I don't know if any of this helps to answer your question, but those were just my initial ideas after reading your post. I'm sorry that he hurt you. I'm sure you'll find someone who will be much better than he would have. (*hug*)
Ouch! Okay, back to my story - well I left out a little information which I thought was slightly insignificant, but it actually reflected in some of the answers! So to update: This was the 3rd guy I've fallen for (so I'm familiar with letting my guard down and letting them be everything to me), and it was my second relationship, so I wasn't going into it completely inexperienced (though, granted, not the most experienced). Secondly, We tried to be friends afterwards, but he became someone who just wasn't the same person. He became cold, cold-shouldered me completely, started smoking weed with his friends (which he told me he'd never done - but in that 3 weeks he could've lied to me, obviously, I'm not an idiot)... He even told me that there was no chemistry from his side. He changed drastically. I couldn't do it, the friendship, so I broke it off with him completely. I think Goodyear actually shocked me the most, and really put it into perspective for me: Even though he became a monster afterwards, I still think you can't lose feelings for someone you create an incredibly strong bond with (even if it was one-sided). Thanks for helping me explore this, everyone(*hug*)
Well, I don't know if this helps you, but your last post made me think about the first guy I ever really fell for. Now, we didn't ever enter into a relationship (it was in highschool, and he was quite too straight, and I was quite too closeted for that :icon_wink), but years afterwards, I did come to one realisation: he wasn't the nicest of people. Now, I could have known this in advance. My friends regularly talked about how they didn't like him. But the thing is that at the time, I did talk with him on occasion, and I really thought that I saw the real him. Sure, he occasionally said something shockingly cruel or callous, even about people I was good friends with, and he told about things he got into that shocked me, but I really thought it was all a mask he put on. It was only after getting over him (and it took me until after highschool to really do that) that I realised that it was probably me deluding himself instead of him putting on a mask. He was always like that, but I didn't allow myself to see it, because I was just crushing too hard. Maybe I was just too in love with the idea of being in love, and I projected everything on this crush, smoothing over anything that didn't fit. But now for the oddest thing: even though I intellectually know it was just a fixation I had, and he wasn't the best choice even if he would have been gay and interested, I still can't help but occasionally think of him again. Or rather, not him, but the image of him in my head, an ideal guy that just happens to have his face. So, in short, (yeah, brevity is not my strongest point :lol I do think it might be missing the concept of love. But concepts are hard to care for. So you put the face of the last one you loved on it. And it takes time to get over that, because this ideal guy in your mind is hard to forget...
Well, I've been cheated on by someone who I really fell hard for. So, I can empathize with you, and it makes me feel really bad that it happened to you. To answer the title question, this is happening to you because this is what happens to everyone in your position. It's really sad when someone who you believed in and loved breaks your trust like that. Just because he cheated on you, doesn't mean you can forget about him the next day. You loved him and that can't change right away. Your trust in him can be gone right away, but you still love him and it doesn't go away right away. It takes time to get over. And if he wants you back, even though you still love him, I advise you to use your better judgment and not take him back. Ok, so if this made any sense, yay. But love is a really hard thing to describe the ways in which it works. And feelings dealing with love sometimes make no sense. But realize, you'll find someone who is 100x better than him. Don't give up on love and become a cynic (like me...).
I can very much relate. My first "real" relationship lasted 2 years and it was my biggest mistake, I wasted alot of time on this person. I tolerated alot I was verbally abused daily and that person cheated on me four times at least and I allowed it because I didn't want to let go because my heart was new and I was convinced that's what I deserved. But even though this person was so awful to me and we've been seperated for four months whenever I find something I have that reminds me of that person I still get butterflies. A heart cannot forget and I think the heart remembers the good times and the mind remembers the reality.
I don't care to say my story...but you will feel that way,but time helps all,now when I think back,it's nothing,just a silly girl and a dumb realationship,I was crushed when it happened,and couldn't stop thinking about "how this happened"and"I miss her"...But you get over it in time
