Should I come out as gay, bi, or confused?

I think a lot of people here have gone through this before. A few things of what you said caught my eye.

First, you say that if you come out your family is "devastated." How do you know that? Could it be that your family is just ignorant, or hasn't even contemplated something different. I know my family expected opposite-sex marriage and grandkids, just like with my brother. I mean, that's the typical course. But they accepted that it isn't the case for everyone, including one of their sons.

Second, are you really itching to come out to your folks? Because I would suggest that if you are not, that you hold off and maybe get things 'straight' in your mind about your attractions. It'll be a lot easier to come out as gay/bi/whatever if you are not confused and are confident about your feelings and desires.

 

Have you talked to anyone else about this? If I was in your situation, I think it would be very helpful to have someone who has an understanding of different orientations to talk to about what you're feeling. For me, if I can't quite get my thoughts figured out, I find that verbalizing what I'm thinking to someone else really helps.

When it comes to your family, it seems like they're going to have to come to terms with a son who doesn't fit the society 'norms.' This isn't something that parents necessarily have an easy time with, but when it comes to my extended family I've been pleasantly surprised at how well people have responded. They respond very negatively, or they might surprise you.

There isn't anyone who can determine what the best label for you to present yourself as, other than you.

Just my thoughts, hope they help. Merry Christmas!

- T

 

Wow, so I'm in like the same exact situation. I definitely think I like guys more than girls as I seem to see a lot of attractive guys and there are only a few girls that stand out to me. I haven't told my parents yet and am trying to figure out how and what to tell them. Part of me thinks I should just not bother telling them anything, but it really bothers me thinking about them not know who I really am. The other thing is I’m not a huge fan of label and I would rather not tell them I’m gay or bi but more like “Hi mom and dad I’m attracted to guys and girls” lol I know that is pretty pathetic but then I’m not really labeling myself. Or I was thinking maybe when I did meet someone I would just tell them I met someone I really like and it happens to be a guy.

Do you really feel like you need to tell them now/soon? Maybe you should give it more time to think about it and sorta see what happens. I dunno, I’m also very confused so I’m probably not helping with your situation, but would love to see what others have to say.

 

I suggest you wait to come out until you have a better idea of where you're at and what you want in life. They are going to have alot of questions, and if you aren't even sure what you are, then that is going to make it all the more difficult and confusing for everyone. Obviously this is just my opinion, but I think you need to figure out what is going to make you happy before you come out as gay or bi.

Furthermore, it is nice of you to consider other peoples' feelings in this, but you need to remember that this is your life and you need to do whatever is going to give you the most peace. Chances are your parents will love you no matter what, even if your decisions do cause problems for them. People talk about "traditional" values, but I am not so sure that there is really any such thing. Sure there is a "normal" family displayed to us by our society and the media, but that is constantly changing. For example, 20 years ago having two dads raising a child would be out of the question. Now though, you have shows like Modern Family where that is portrayed as normal - give it 50 more years and that will be considered by many to be a normal family. You don't necessarily need to change any of your values, but I would consider what your values are, what purpose they serve, and why you have them. In the end: what is going to bring you happiness...what's going to give you peace when you go to sleep at night.

 

What's driving you to come out now? It might be possible to wait until you're a little more certain of yourself, but if you do feel like it's the right time to come out, you might want to say something like "queer" or "not straight" or "I like guys". Those are non-specific, and if someone asks you for specifics, you can give them honestly - "do you like girls?" could be answered simply with "I don't know". If your family tries to push you, that's when you can get into saying that you're not positive what your sexuality is, but it'll work itself out in its own time, and nothing they have done or can do will change it.

 

I've been in a similar confused state recently/somewhat still (things are starting to come together now), though I know I'm not ready to come out yet. Honestly, my best piece of advice would be to sit down and think only about you. What do YOU want, not what does your family want. Who do YOU like, not anyone else. These are the most important things in trying to help you decide your orientation. If you are genuinely interested in relationships only with men, fine. If you are interested in men and women, fine. Don't worry about what will happen when you come out. You have to be okay with yourself and who you are before you can expect others to be ok with it.

 

Well, with that clarification I think it just comes down to biting the bullet and coming out. Both as not straight and no longer christian (or at least not practicing within the faith that your family/friends are in). There's no fun in hiding and lieing as you know.

Assuming you are gay - since the only things that keep you "wondering" about girls is the learned behavior and pressure you are feeling - you need to come out as gay. Don't leave an opening with 'bi' or 'confused' because that just leaves a lot of openings to be exploited by people who don't understand or accept.

As Kevin42 said, this is your life and you need to live it in the manner that is going to give you peace. Just think how much more you can be a wonderful giving partner, friend and family member if you are at peace with yourself!

 

I was in a very similar situation to this about a year ago... Minus the moving out and very christian family.

Anyways. I came out as Bi initially, but a while later I eventually just shifted from 'Bi' to 'Gay'. Generally, I don't really like such broad and restrictive classifications as those, but Gay is probably about as close as I'm going to get. My parents when I came out as Bi were very insistent on me finding a girl and living the whole white picket fence life... All in all, it caused more stress and worry than it was worth. If I could go back, I would have come out as Gay straight up and been honest with them as well as myself.

Hope this helps.

Kaleb.

 

you know what, you shouldnt feel presured by anyone! im in the same boat really too. i thankfully only have my stepmother to deal with just now and she already told me that she aint bothered if i said i was gay cos im still the same person she has known all these years. its more my friends that i would have issues with. my stepmothers friend has a son who is gay and everyone has known he was gay for years. she also seems to think i am gay too andhas already stated as much to my stepmother. i told her she was in some sort of denial cos her son wasnt what she wanted him to be. everyone is their own person and those that have issues need to deal with or bog off.

i guess time will eventually let me see who i want to be with. rite now i dont care im out to have fun

 

I felt the same way (about girls) when I first realized I should tell my parents.... so I just told them:

"I'm attracted to women...I don't really know to what extent, but I have to acknowledge that I am." I specifically avoided using a label.

 

You have some great advice here, but I just wanted to add on this one point. If you feel this way about a woman, and are entering a relationship with her, then she deserves your honesty about who you are and how you feel about her. It sounds like you were where I was when I was confused...being bisexual only because you wished and wanted to have a relationship with a girl even though you're not really attracted to that at all. If this is the case, and you're pretty much attracted to guys, then any woman you attempt to have a relationship with deserves to know this from the start. You say that you do not want to hurt people, but if you try to start a relationship with a girl who thinks that you are romantically attracted to her, the chances of you hurting her are very very high. Now, I have heard of gay guys marrying women who knew or would later find out that they were gay and the marriage surviving, so it's not like this is totally out of the picture. It's my opinion though that pursuing this choice though is generally unwise. While it is your life with regards to coming out, it is NOT just about your life when entering a relationship with someone. If you're not being 100% honest with whomever (girl or guy) you are with, then that is just being selfish.

You have alot of great advice here. EC is a great place because you know that there are always people here that you can talk about your problems with and who will accept you no matter what. Good luck .

 

If i were you, I wouldnt come out as anything until I knew what I was and I could accept that for myself... Dont force yourself into accepting something to make your parents happy... You are what you are and you cant change that. You just need to think, do you always look at guys and want guys more than girls, or do you look at girls more, or is it the same? what kind of attraction is there? Then when you can accept what you are, then you can start thinking about coming out

 

Hey lurvcurvs, I wanted to suggest you and eventually your parents watching "the bible told me so" you can find it on youtube. I just came out to my parents on Sat and we watched this and even though we're not very religious I think it still helped them understand a little more.

Something to talk about with them is how you are born this way and it’s not a choice. You can ask them if they chose to be heterosexual, or if they chose their hair color or whether they were a man or woman. Sometimes this helps a little with realizing sexuality is not a choice. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you are who you are. You are their son and you are no different then you were before telling them. Obviously I don't know what your relationship is with your parents but by telling them it could actually make it better. There is of course the chance it could make it worse, but even if that did happen over time they would probably start to understand and would accept you more. Who knows but it is clearly bothering you that they don't know who you are, and that can make thinks even worse for you. You definitely need to respect your parents but more importantly you need to respect yourself. You can't and shouldn't try to change who you are for someone else. You should be happy owe it to yourself to be.

Sorry for the blabbing, but I know what you are going through and I hope this helps somewhat. I really encourage you watching the bible told me so. Anyway man, everything will work out one-way or another. You will always have EC for support. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to chat with. Good luck!

 

I would second crazydude's suggestion of watching The Bible Told Me So. I watched it myself the other night after seeing mention of it here. Very interesting and insightful both of the part of you understanding your parents potential reactions and them trying to understand what you are dealing with and some ways to deal with it themselves.

 

Not supporting or accepting you after you come out would make them failures as parents. Not anything they've done up til now.

You are responsible for your own happiness only. Nobody else's. If you coming out as gay ruins their lives, then they didn't have much of a foundation to start with, did they?