it's been over a year

I have no idea why you are having trouble bringing yourself to come out. Perhaps you really aren't as comfortable with it as you think you are.

I've always said that you'll come out when it is more uncomfortable in the closet than it would be out of the closet. So I'm assuming that you still believe that it is more comfortable in the closet than it would be out of it. And if that's what you think, then don't sweat it! Just carry on. You'll know the time is right, and you'll do it then.

 

Don't worry about not being able to bring yourself to come out just yet, there is no need for you to come out until you are truly ready and if you can't come out to anyone for one reason or another then maybe you just aren't ready yet or haven't been in a situation where you felt safe/secure enough to tell anyone. I promise you that you will come out in due course just dont push it and then, sometimes when you least expect it but usually after a lot of thought, you will get the urge to tell someone and you will do =]

 

ok then do you have one amazingly good friend who you share everything with? if you do and truly want to start coming out then meet up with them and tell them beforehand theres somet you have to tell them (but also make up something else if you can't face coming out) hopefully then you will be psyching yourself up for the days beforehand and saying that might make your friend assume so they might ask you first anyway, even if you do go with the fake story they will often assume you wanted to come out and speak to you about it on a later date.

 

If it's too hard for you to talk about it to people, would it be easier for you to make that first step with a letter to someone you know would support you? Or an email or something? There is nothing wrong with coming out in a way that makes you comfortable. It isn't taking the easy way out or being childish to need to do it with a letter or something like that. It's just doing it in a way that you feel comfortable.

 

Maybe come out to one person on msn and see where it takes you thats what I did. Oh, and dated a girl.

 

This is really true. It's really awkward to think about shattering someone's perception of you, but it is really not that huge of a deal. It could be that once you come out to one person, you will come out to everyone because, like Jim said, it will be more awkward to be partially closeted.

But don't feel like others would judge you just because it's taking you a little longer. I knew I was gay when I was 10. I didn't come out fully until 4 months ago. You are not in a unique position and you need not be upset with yourself. You will do it when it feels right!

 

Maybe something to examine is WHY you haven't come out to anyone. Do you have people in your life who love you? Do you live in a homophobic town? Do you fear rejection? Who would be a safe person to tell?

I also want to remind you that there is no time table on coming out. It happens when it happens, and if you aren't comfortable with coming out right now, then there's no rush.

 

Firstly, don't be hard on yourself! You're in a very tough situation, one that most people cannot understand the difficulty of or ever have the "privilege" of being in. Yeah, LGBT people have it the best they've ever had, and sure, our generation is easily the most gay-friendly, but that doesn't mean things are perfect--or even good. If they were, people would have no qualms with coming out. It wouldn't be a big deal, and gay marriage would be a fact of life rather than an issue up for debate.

I realized I wasn't straight before I even hit puberty, and I'm still not completely out of the closet. Far from it. The thought of being completely out of the closet scares the shit out of me right now. No matter how far society in general has come, I still live in the least gay-friendly region of the US, and no amount of progress will change that unless it also trickles down to my corner of the universe.

That said, I don't know why you're unable to come out. All I can do is speculate. Unless it's really driving you mad, and you feel you absolutely have to come out or else you'll explode, don't sweat it. If your sexuality isn't something to be ashamed of, then who you have or haven't told about it certainly isn't, either. You don't have to come out according to anybody's terms or timeline but your own, and even that is subject to changing as you see fit. You also don't have to be completely out or completely in the closet, either. Who you disclose your sexuality to is your choice.

What people think and say does matter simply because it can hurt, even innocent jokes not intended to offend you can hurt your feelings. Humans are social creatures, so it can be really painful to be rejected, ostracized, or even just called out for your differences. For that reason, considering coming out is a major step forward that requires a lot of courage, as is coming out to yourself. Doing only those two things makes you much stronger and more courageous than you're giving yourself credit for! I really mean that. Many people never make it that far.

Before you can make the decision to come out, you have to conquer your fear of rejection--itself a monumental task that many, if not most, people never fully complete. You have to be able to handle the hurt and occasional feeling of rejection before you make that decision. Sometimes you can feel rejected without actually having been rejected. It's all a matter of perception.

If you're anything like me, it's going to be incredibly difficult to come out for the first time, but after that, it starts to get easier with each new person. You learn to judge people's reactions accurately and objectively, rather than in a paranoid frame of mind where each minute gesture and inconsequential piece of body language is something to mull over and analyze every which way until it is interpreted as a sign of rejection or discomfort with your sexuality, because that's what you want to believe it is. But it gets better--a lot better, and it does so quickly. Trust me.

Always remember you are a very strong and brave person for making it as far as you are now, and if you can do that, you can also finish coming out when you feel ready. You've come very far. Don't let how far you haven't been discourage you; let how far you've come encourage you.

 

Just have to say Joe, thats an awesome and very well written post! zoeee, thats as about the best advice I think you could possibly get. Hope you can manage to get over your fears and do what you feel you need to do. (*hug*)

 

Thanks! This post really hit home for me.

 

Well, I couldn't really put it more accurate than this. Being paranoid is what kept me in the closet for the longest time. Finding out that no one really cared (except that they're now happy that I'm happy) was quite a big discovery. Where once I had to work up the courage for each and every coming-out, it's become quite more casual (though there's still no shortage of people who I'm not out to).

Don't be too hard on yourself, though. You already figured out that you're not straight, and that you want to come out. It took me ten years before I could look in a mirror and tell myself I was gay (I really tried to be straight until I was 24), a year after that before I told anyone else. After that, it took me months to tell the second person, and it got pretty easy afterwards. At 17, you're already way ahead of a lot of other gay people

Once you're getting very annoyed at being closeted, it's usually a sign that it's going to happen soon. However, it's not really unusual to have some near-coming-out experiences too, in which you almost tell someone, but crawl back at the last moment. It can take some time between deciding to do it, and actually going through with it all the way.

Writing a letter might help as well. Even if you never show it to anyone, it can often help making a coming out more concrete. It can aid in ordering all your thoughts and getting a more concrete idea of what you want to say. I never used my coming-out letter, but I'm glad I wrote it, because it allowed me to anticipate many questions other people might have.

What helped for me in coming out was to build up anticipation and expectation. Before coming out to my mother, I made a thread on here saying: "I'm going to come out, and I'm going to do it on that day and that time. Expect a report on how it went". It helped a lot in pushing me over the edge to doing it. Right before I told her, I was wondering about crawling back, and then thinking how foolish I would look if I couldn't reply to my own thread. I'm not saying that's the way you should do it, but announcing to a friend that you have something to say could serve the same use. It's easy to announce you have something to say, but it can help in getting the needed pressure to actually do the coming-out itself!

It might have taken some time, but I'm sure you'll get there. The first one is always the hardest, but I'm sure it will all go well when it happens! (*hug*)

 

I wish I'd been out at your age. Not that I was in the closet as such, I had crushes on girls, and even though I came out in the last year, it was only in the past few weeks that I properly understood that while I may have had crushes on them, I was never sexually attracted to girls. So being sure yourself is a big deal, and you could be out sooner than most are.

Is there an external reason for your not to come out? Conservative family or community, or no particularly close friends? If anything, it was probably the latter in my case, no one I felt I could have a chat about it with. Are you close to your siblings? And have you ever had boyfriends? (Sorry to barrage you with questions, I'd probably know if I posted more here)

The way I did it was to say to a friend of mine I was having tea with, in the middle of a conversation, I have a crush on someone. When she asked who, and I said a boy's name, I was out. Other than family, I rarely had to say "I'm gay" to let them know. There were subtler, taking it for granted ways.

Or if you text a friend and write "Are you around later? I have some I want to talk to you about", then you'll have to say something when you meet them.

 

i remember when i was in a very similar position to you. i'd come out to myself (or so i thought) and was lurking on EC reading so many coming out stories and looking at peoples out statuses, and feeling that everyone on here was at least out to SOMEONE, except me. it took me 2 years just to tell my mum and another 1 1/2 to tell my friends.

to echo what everyone else has said: take your time. no need to rush. do what feels comfortable for you, as everyone is different. and it is difficult to come out for the first time to someone. if you can push yourself to come out to the person you are closest to, it is a great relief!