Hey everyone, so while I hate drawing attention away from other people, because the members here on the site are so amazing and I hate taking people away from them when they need help too, but I'm really going through hell in some way. 1. I'm still closeted to my parents, (well I came out then went back in the closet) though everyone tells me A: My Dad will totally be cool with it (my siblings, his children (he's my step-dad)) and B: You just have to do it. 1C. The other thing I don't understand is just recently like in the past days since Christmas, my mother and I were talking about prepping for Christmas, and instead of saying "are you going to let your wife do that?" like she would normally do for ages, she instead said "are you going to let your mate do that?". Now I know mate is a word most people don't use to reference a person's partner anymore, but she said it...:S 2. I am having very weird thoughts these days, thoughts of 'what would happen if i walked out of this store without paying for this'. Now I am NOT klepto, and would never really steal anything, but I'm just saying that I hate the idea that ive had these thoughts. I think frankly I'm letting video games influence me too much because I also sometimes am thinking what it would be like to kill a bad guy (not an innocent person, but like if say someone broke in and threatened my family, and that it would be so cool to be a hero and stop them, but it's still the idea that im having these thoughts of hurting another human being). All of this i driving me crazy because if you knew me, you'd know I am a VERY peaceful person, many would probably consider me a pacifist as I would never want to hurt anyone, I hate war, and try to live up to the utmost and in the footsteps of some of the most peaceful people there are like Mother Teresa and Gandhi (though I'm sorry, I'm not going to wear a robe or fast) but it's just like where are these thoughts coming from and why? Like I said I would never really want to do these things, but maybe it's exposure to violent video games have actually altered my thinking process? Or maybe I just get too into them I'd love to be a character in them maybe? And finally, 3. I don't know, I just didn't want to have two things lol.
Really any help would be nice. I KNOW this is an odd sort of support, especially number 2, but just if you could I'd appreciate it.
Hi there! From what you have said, I think it would be pretty safe to come out them again. It seems that your mum is suspecting something and (in all likelihood) she has picked up on the fact that you do have a boyfriend or that you might not be straight. I mean you already mentioned that you have come out once and that you went back into the closet. If you feel that everyone will be okay and supportive, maybe pick a good time to come out fully and open the closet doors again. You have a good backdrop, and I think coming out and being open about it, it might also be easier when it comes to being able to talk about your boyfriend and that part of your life. As for the video games, if you feel that they are influencing you in a way (which could perhaps lead you to do things ?) then I would try to stop playing them. But then again, remember that thoughts are just that. It doesn't mean that you will act upon these thoughts. Maybe try playing less the video games and see what happens to these kinds of thoughts. Try to observe if these thoughts are returning or if they stop forming after a period of time. I hope this helps a bit!
No she just like many parents of gay kids when they were still closeted always said "i can't wait for you to get married and have kids", I would always tease her when I was younger saying 'I am not doing all this prep work for Christmas' because my mom would go all out. So even after I came out and went back in the closet, she wants me straight so badly she would always say "when you have a wife then yada yada" etc, but like this time she said "mate" not "wife" so I think she really is starting....to realize something. I mean I won't date my best friend Lauren who is like my perfect match (if only she were a boy lol), I never say "wife" or "girlfriend" in any sentences, I somehow am able to avoid gender specific words, etc, so frankly she still would have to realize it, but when she said "mate" I think that was a hint for me to tell her.
1. If anybody came out of the closet to me, and then went back in...let's just say it's EXTREMELY doubtful I'd believe their retraction. I really don't know of anybody really thought they were gay - enough to tell others - and then decided no, actually, they weren't at all. To me, someone saying "I'm actually not gay" means "I'm actually not ready to be gay". And from what you've said, it sounds like your parents are feeling the same way. They didn't fight you on the "going back in the closet" thing, but they're probably ready for the "re-announcement" whenever you are. 2. As for your thoughts, I'd say they're not unusual. I remember on at least two occasions, back when I was in high school, thinking "what if people tried to take over THIS part of the building? Where would be the best places to hide and/or set up defenses? And what would I use for weaponry?" And this was years before Columbine or that sort of thing. I obviously never DID anything with this information, but I just considered it a mental exercise. If your thoughts are moving away from "I wonder what it would be like to kill someone" to "I'd like to experience that" - even slightly - then yeah, you've got a problem. Otherwise, I'd just work on keeping your video game fantasies just that - fantasies. And ease off if you think you're playing too much. Lex
Well I'm still going to tell my Dad first because like I said, my brothers and sisters always say that he'd accept it the easiest. But my aunt and cousin who are closest to her...they seriously tell me how she is acting towards the idea of me being gay is ridiculous. Because my grandfather apparently always taught his kids (my mom included) tolerance, and for my mom to act this way if he knew, apparently he'd be ashamed of her. But yeah...there are other reasons, so yeah you can hopefully understand what I mean. Basically she was not raised to be intolerant, so the fact she's soo freaking intolerant, it's ridiculous. As for the video game thing, I don't think it is necessarily that, I think I just have not completely become comfortable in my being. I always thought I was the most confident person, people have said they always admired me because I never let people get me down. However, I think I'm still putting up a facade at time. I'm almost whole as it were, but as my aunt put it, staying closeted especially after having come out already, could put me into a serious depression at some point. And I think that could be what is happening, it's not a case of me wanting to be like a video game character, it's just that because I feel my life isn't what it could be, I'm living through my video games. I'm being who I want to be in the games, a hero, a warrior, someone who is strong and powerful and confident, and as a result I'm feeling bad in real life. Interestingly enough, I think I just solved my problem lol. I'd still love more people's opinions, I'm just saying that I think I understand why I'm feeling this way....lol.
