Coming Out at 23 -- what to do now?

Going to a gay club or bar with some friends isn't a bad option, but I would recommend keeping your sobriety intact (for the most part). Poor judgment due to alcohol may also result in poor judgment of a boyfriend too. Getting it on just to get it on is up to you, but from what most people here seem to say, your first time should be sort of special. It is, after all, the thing you compare future relationships to.

There's also online dating sites, recommendations from friends, gay groups and social organizations, and just letting life take you where it wants and seeing what that brings.

 

Ha ha, I feel like every day I run into people on here who share this situation, myself included. I never liked girls really so I didnt want to have that physical contact and I didnt accept my sexuality until my second year in college. I have the same problem, because i'm not the kind of guy who would go to any club, gay or straight. I mean I have before but it's just not for me. If you're into clubs, it's a good place to meet people. Or like many people have said if there are any LGBT clubs or anything on your campus or in the area that might be a good place to start. Then again you can always find people through friends of friends. It works pretty much the same way for straight people, only we have less places for it.

 

hey there! I hear your pain and suffering, I was in a similar situation as yours... I admitted to myself I were gay but didn't know where to start. What I did is that I simply had a sexual relationship with a man I met in a bar. It was a pure sexual relationship and that's all I wanted. I loved it and got me very comfortable with my sexuality and opened the door for me to asking guys out on a date (romantic). So in my case it was sex relationships first, then love relationships and I don't regret it for one bit

So my advice to you: you're 23, you're an adult, you have sexual needs, go explore (choose carefully and very well your partner, ask about stds, use protection, etc.), have fun, get comfortable, eventually fall in love, break it off, etc.

Life is too short to question oneself constantly.

Happy new year!

 

I have a book to recommend! We used it in a class I was in, and I had to do a powerpoint on Chapter 11: Penetration. It's called Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, and basically covers anatomy, different sex toys/items, and of course covers anal sex. Definitely made me feel less confused about gay sex, and what anal plugs are.

 

First of all, hi, and welcome to EC! It's nice to hear we've been of help already, and I hope we can help you even more now that you've joined

The bad news is that, coming out after your teens, you basically postponed a lot of what most teenagers do during puberty and adolescence: learning how to interact with people they like, dating and forming relationships. However, other people managed to do it, so with a bit of practice, you'll manage to do so too!

The good news, as others have said, is that coming out at 23 is in no way unexceptional. Coming out takes time, more for some than it does for others. Some know it right away and try to trpress it until their 20s, others only really figure it out in their 20s. I always knew on some level that I was gay, but I never even managed to consciously utter the idea to myself until I was 24, and I only came out at 25.

It happens to a lot of people, so further good news is that there's other guys out there going through the same experience you are. And if anything, I'm having the impression that inexperience is something a lot of people find cute instead of problematic. So it's not going to be as big a problem as you think it is.

Coming from a very similar position as where you are now (as I said above, I came out in my mid-20s, way later than my gay friends in highschool and college, and I also have a fear of physical contact), I think what helped me most was first of all interacting with more gay people without necessarily searching for a boyfriend right away.

See if there is any GLBT group nearby that you could join (depending on what place you live in, there might be al kinds, from general GLBT groups to GLBT sports clubs). Ot talk about what you're thinking with the gay friends you already have. Meeting other gay people and talking about being gay can give you a much better idea of where you stand, and can lead to further accepting it yourself (though coming out is great, spending time being out can help you get comfortable with it even more).
Knowing some gay people opens the way to meeting more gay people, as you'll gradually meet friends of friends etc... Eventually you're bound to meet someone whith whom you click. And things will naturally develop from there (how unlikely that might seem to you now).
Most good relationships I've seen evolved from people just meeting as friends and then going further, rather than people searching for a boyfriend and starting relationships with anyone who seemed vaguely interested.

It might take some more boyfriend-less months before you're fully comfortable with the idea of taking things further, but being even more comfortable with being out can help a great deal.
And let's be honest, after 23 years, a few extra months isn't going to be a big disaster :icon_wink

This isn't meant as a point of critique to the previous advice, but anal sex isn't the end-all of gay sex. And despite popular perception, a lot of gay people aren't even all that into it. So when exploring sex, do take it at your own pace. I always was afraid of sex, but after spending more time out, I find my fear lessening considerably. When you stop being afraid, it's probably the best sign that you're ready to go further. And rushing through it while still afraid might not make for the best experience.

I hope this helps somewhat. In any case, posting and reading more on here will probably help some more. And if you ever need someone to talk to, do feel free to PM any staff member you feel like talking to. It's what we're here for!

 

This is a very relevant thread to my interests- I'm feeling much the same way now.

 

It's kind of reassuring to notice that I'm not the only one to come out at 23, newkid's post could as well have been written by myself. Believe me, I know how eager you can be after having finally come to terms with yourself. What I would give to kiss and cuddle with a guy right now! However I think I need to work on being more comfortable outside the closet and around other gay people before trying anything physical. I thought of visiting my university's LGBT group but the christmas break got in the way of that...

 

Astaroth has a point if you do go to a gay club DON"T DRINK that is the reason I don't go to gay clubs. It is mostly just drunk guys looking for a quick score.

And don't freak out about being 23 and just coming out. I'm 27 and I just did, I have those same feelings. Who will want someone my age with no XP?

But, you looking at a relationship purly from a sex angle, and there is so much more to a having BF then that. You can learn to be good in the sack, but you learning to be a good boyfriend is something totally different, and is what will make or break any relationship.

You don't have to be in a rush to get a boyfriend, you might want to just take some time and let your new found gayness settle with you first.

Anyhoo I hope this helps, good luck out there!

 

I just wanted to say that I really appreciated the advice given in this thread seeing as that I'm pretty much in the same situation as newkid. Thanks for posting newkid!


You guys are way too awesome !

 

Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad the forum helped you come to terms with your orientation and coming out to friends and family. I know EC has been very helpful to me in those regards as well.

At 38, I see 23 as VERY YOUNG! Because heck, I see myself as being young! I didn't meet my ex wife until I was 25. I'd never really had a serious relationship, never really done more than kiss someone good night, and had never had sex. At 25. It seemed like a big deal to me, but it wasn't to my ex wife. And what I found was that most stuff comes pretty naturally once you get going - assuming you're with the right person and doing what you're doing because it feels right.

And by the way - despite the bad press that 'gay clubs' can get, I think they're lots of fun! I'm NOT there to pick up. I'm there to hang out with my boyfriend or with friends, drink, dance, and just have a good time once in a while. And being in a bar or a club where it's TOTALLY COOL to be gay, to have your arm around your boyfriend, to maybe even make out wit your boyfriend, and to feel comfortable checking out the guys because they're cool with another guy checking them out... all good reasons to go to a gay bar.

Not a great way to meet a quality boyfriend though.

In Toronto there is an organization called 'Out and Out' that organizes social and sporting events for the gay and lesbian community. If I were single, I'd definitely be looking for that kind of group. I'm sure there's one on campus, so just go and make some friends first. The best boyfriend is one that you're friends with.

I like my boyfriend. He's a nice guy, we have things in common and a similar sense of humour.

I love my boyfriend. He's demonstrated to me that he is kind and caring and committed.

I'm hot for my boyfriend. I think he's uber sexy, and after 2 years he can still turn me on with just one kids.

It's that mix that makes my relationship so awesome. You're not going to know if you've got all that with someone when you first meet them. And that's why it's sometimes better to get to know people a little more casually - without a 'relationship' hanging over the two of you - in order to get to know them. If the person is someone you think you'd like to spend more time with, then you'll want to take it to the next level.

It also avoids the thinking that says "I have to introduce myself perfectly and make an awesome first impression because this guy could be my life long partner." It leaves SO MUCH riding on that introduction and first few minutes that you are left too stressed to even try introducing yourself to someone.

I hope that helps.

 

Funny, I posted something similar enough a few days ago. I'm also 23, came out last year, and haven't had a boyfriend. I know if I had come out when I came to college at 18, I would probably have had a boyfriend, but it didn't make sense for me then.

Today I got a text from a girl in my class saying that she was talking to a gay friend of hers over Christmas and thought of me. She said we could all go on a trip to the cinema or something. Girls can be good like that :icon_bigg Try asking around, just in a way to let people who might know someone else that you might be interested.

 

I'm kinda going through the same thing too. I'm 23 as well. I've been out for almost two years, but still haven't met a guy yet. Bars intimidate me, I met a guy online but that was a bust, and I've asked to be set-up with a guy which so far hasn't happened. I guess my shyness and fear of rejection don't help, huh.

Thanks for posting, newkid. I hope things work out for you, hon.

 

I just wanted to reiterate that you are definitely not alone. I am 23, will be 24 in a few months and I just began to realize I might have interest in girls, haven't really come out to many people at all yet and am just starting this all...it is kind of overwhelming to realize something that is such a big part of your life and be able to come out about it so much later than others (even if it is still young), and I understand totally where you are coming from with the confusion. Thanks for posting, because I feel like your post has allowed a lot of people to find out they weren't alone in this.

 

Hey man,

Just wanted to say that I am going though the same thing. I am just now coming out and I am 23 as well. I hooked up with a few girls in college and only slept with one. I've known I was gay for a while and don't really know where to go from here either. I have the outlook where if I surround myself around great friends then eventually I am bound to meet a great person who may also be gay. I am in no rush to have a relationship right now. It been really cool how coming out has actually brought me closer to some of my straight friends. Just take your time, no pressure to sleep with anyone. And as everyone has said I don't think inexperience is a turn off but a turn on instead. (I've never been with another guy either.)