30, any advice?

Hi there. I don't think you're stuck. Instead, I think it sounds like the perfect time to come out and finally tell those closest to you something else about you. Before, whether it was being in the military or just away from home, it was easier to just live your life and hide your orientation from family/friends back home. Now it'll be harder to do that, and it sounds like you don't want to either. And that's the important thing. Just gain the confidence that you can deal with the reactions, be patient and answer questions that people will have, and trust that good people will ultimately be quite accepting.

And you shouldn't worry about 'lying' for a long time. Most will understand, and given your living and working situations, it sounds like it was the prudent thing. I mean, even Uncle Sam told you to 'not tell.' :icon_wink

 

I've experienced a lot of the same feelings and a very similiar situation (full disclosure, I've only started the coming out process in the last year or so, and I am 34 now). I knew for the longest time that I was gay, but I felt trapped...my family were all very religious, so I assumed they would not be accepting of me once I came out. There came a point in time, though, and this sounds like where you are at, where I couldn't stand lying to myself or to the people I cared about. When I came out to my mom, she floored me by being completely accepting, her exact words were "you are my son, I'll always love you and nothing can change that". That's key to remember - you are their son and, particularly given that you are on your own and not necessarily dependent on your parents for anything, the love they feel for you should override all other considerations.

I would only suggest two things for you. Since 2010 just started, this might be a good time for you to come out to your parents...tell them that, with the start of a New Year, you want to start fresh with them and your relationship with them, and that means being honest about who you are....that might be a route you could take to open up the discussion. Also, remember that there's no "ideal" time for people to come out - it has to be both when you are ready and at a pace that you feel comfortable with. In the circle of people you know, start by coming out to people you feel comfortable with who may not be close friends but that you feel comfortable coming out to because you are fairly assured of their reaction. That will give you a confidence boost you can use to eventually come out to your family members as well.

I know what you're going through, though, because I've walked much the same path in the last year - it may seem very difficult at times, but it is better on the other side. Good luck, and please feel free to send me a PM if you ever need someone to vent to who can definitely relate...good luck!

 

I think if people know and respect you for who you are (even though they may not know you as being gay), then maybe they will come around and realize that gay people aren't all that "scary". Maybe you could even help out someone else who's struggling with the same issues just by being "out". I know I have a couple times simply by being comfortable with it and living a 'normal' life like everyone else.

I still commend you for waiting that long. That's... wow. I don't think I could have been in the closet that long. I hate lying...

Anyway, I wish you luck. I'd advise you maybe talk to your closest/best friends first. You need solid support when coming out before you tell others you're not as close with or who aren't as 'gay friendly' or others that don't know you well.

 

(*hug*) I know you can do it. If I can do it in my hometown of 4,000 or so people (where gossip is the most entertaining thing to other than go to a coffee shop or a one-movie-at-a-time cinema), then you can do it.

If you are unsure of things at first, tell your friends that know you are progay and ok with it and let them know that you're not ready for everyone to know yet so just keep it between you two. If they're good friends and trustworthy enough they should keep your confidence til you are ready.

 

I don't think that's true and I suspect that you don't either. I mean, really, think about what you've already done - when compared to dodging bullets, this doesn't quite rank up there in terms of danger, right? You had what it took to serve in the military, so this should be no problem for you. As was said by others...build a support network, both here on EC and with others that you know in your real world social network. That way, if you do get a negative reaction, you have a support network you can fall back on to help you out during those times. Remember, too, that it's not a race - you don't get a cookie for coming out before someone else, LOL In all seriousness, dude, just take it at a pace that you're comfortable with. You're right that it's not like this is something you can take back once you say it (although once you come out, I'm pretty sure you won't want to)...just make sure you build a support network for yourself that can help as you slowly ease your way out of the closet publically and I think you're going to be OK

 

well i hope that when you decide to come out tp everyone things will go smoothly for you. i think people should remember after that the respect they had for you for soo many reasons is still there. you are still the same person. i think that you are maybe the first person i have saw that is in the army on here. well done. you totally get my respect!! and good luck!!!!

 

lol u look like a soldier.

 

First of all Welcome to EC and thank you for your service! :smilewave

Being 30 you are still relatively young and it sounds like your have a pretty stable life and are comfortable in being gay. You are fairly well ahead of many here at EC when coming out. I just started coming out last year when I was 40. I was dating and had a bit of a social life and it could to a point where I wanted to share this with my family. I was scared at first but realized that its my life and I need to live it.

I came out to my parents by letter. They both took it well. My dad said 'so you are still my son'. After a few months I came out to pretty much all of my friends and family. If you plan to come out by letter there is a section on EC.

http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php

Everyone pretty much gave you some great advice. Coming out is not a race. Come out to your parents, friends and coworkers at you own pace. When I came out to my parents, I gave them a booklet 'Our Daughters, Our Sons' by PFLAG. If you have any concerns, questions, fears or just want to rant hang out here for a while. You can PM us or post on our walls. We are pretty friendly.

 

>>>Now I am kind of stuck. Being out has never been an option for me. I am back in my home town now. My parents are proud of my. I own a home. I work in my family business and I am respected and known in my city. How in the hell am I supposed to come out?

Coming out isn't (necessarily) some big public announcement. You don't have to throw a "coming out party" or send out a mass e-mail. Coming out just means not living the lie anymore. Not necessarily telling everybody you possibly can about your sexual orientation, but basically not caring who knows. Treating it like it's no big deal, because it IS no big deal.

There's one technique that I sometimes suggest to people, especially those in your situation. (A bit older, not horribly ashamed or in a dangerous spot.) Act like everybody already knows. The fact that you're 30 and presumably haven't been dating at all is usually looked at as mildly suspicious, so I doubt people are going to be overly stunned by the revelation. And no, you can't undo telling people you're a big ol homo. But they know, you won't have to worry about whether they know you're a big ol homo or not, right? And it's that worry, that uncertainty, that's causing the issue.

Lex

 

You are a 30 year old guy who has worked in more than 20 countries and 5 continents, a graduate of a prestigious university, and a successful business man that just happens to be gay. It is not what defines you, it's just another part of you.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC. You are certainly not alone, and it is never too late. It actually took me until I was over 40 to come out. I have a somewhat similar background to you in many respects. I grew up in a very conservative family and at a time and in a place where homophobia was perfectly acceptable. I did not know a single gay person growing up. Coming out in school would have been the kiss of death. I am also a professional with a successful career. I have held some prominent and very public positions in the community. Earlier in my career, I also worked in a very macho area, law enforcement. I was much more terrified of coming out than I was of confronting bad guys.

Now that I am out, I laugh sometimes when I think about how much worse the fear was than the reality. I have not yet had a bad reaction. I am not ashamed of being gay, and I convey that. Being gay is just a part of who I am, not all of me. I still like to drink beer, eat wings and watch football. People who know me understand that. They also understand why I did not come out earlier. I have yet to find someone who was upset that I "lied" to them previously. To the contrary, I have had many people thank me for trusting them when I come out to them. Everyone who previously knew me as "straight" has been very understanding and empathetic of the internal struggle I went through for decades.

Being out and gay can also be a lot of fun. I can still hang out with a bunch of macho cops, only now I have a whole new area we can joke about. While I won’t get too graphic, you can imagine what can be said about a crème puff for dessert. I am open and confident enough about being gay that I can really enjoy these types of exchanges with my straight friends and family members. (After all, I don’t think guys ever really grow up entirely). Also imagine how much fun it can be to openly go with your partner to office parties or family events. When a woman hit on me at a party recently, my boyfriend jumped in and with great humor, told her I was with him. We all had some fun with it and continued to enjoy the night.

My point of these examples from my life is that you are not alone in what you are experiencing and that coming out can be a very freeing and rewarding experience. There are countless others just like you who have gone through exactly the same thing. Eventually, like you, many of us got tired of hiding who we were and lying to others, so we came out. And, once you do it, life can be really great!

My best advice for you is to come out. Do it at your own pace and when you are ready. It will be hard at first, but it gets easier each time. Therapy can be very helpful. It was for me. Good luck and please keep us updated and let us know how we can help.

 

This is a great thread
Good luck with telling your friends tomorrow! I'll bet you have a good response