So I have this friend, and I've complained about her on here more times than I can count. One of my new years resolutions was to be more honest with people, especially her. In spite of being a very loyal friend, she has many, many faults. One of them beng extremely self-centered, to the point where she doesnt notice when her friends are having problems of their own, she pretty much has the blinders on half the time. It got to the point where I didnt want to be her friend anymore, but I knew that if i flat-out "broke up" with her, she'd be extremely devastated, and shes the type of person to do something crazy (like self-harm or suicide). So on the phone today I finally told her about her self-centered tendencies. She burst into tears and hung up not long after. I didnt even bother telling her about my own problems that are making my life hell, as she'd just make it more about her. So my thought now is: ...now what? I dont have any interest in calling her or anything, I want her to come to me, so to speak.
Seems like this so-called friend isn't really being a friend at all. I'd just leave it to her to see if she wants to be friends or not. Either she's going to call you or she won't. Either way should be fine. Right?
I have a friend kind of like that too. It can be very frustrating. I cant tell you I have solved the problem, but I did come up with a way of managing the problem so that I can continue a friendship with him, even though it would be difficult to spend too much time together. One of the techniques I used was to simply bring up something relatively superficial that was bothering me. I am not out to him (or many other people for that matter) and i definitely didn't want to broach anything that deep with hm, as I was certain to end up frustrated. I talked to him about a frustration with my job and in short order he was in he midst of one of his self centered diatribes about whatever inane crap was rolling around in his crazy head that day. I, politely but directly, stopped him and said that I need to talk to him about something that is going on in my life. I am looking for his advice and support, not a story (that probably never happened) about him in some restaurant. He was slightly taken aback, however he understood what I was saying and made an effort to concentrate on me for a moment. In our conversation, I had to do this a couple of times but he didn't take offense to it because it wasn't meant as an attack. It was a friend making a request, and he did his best to comply. It sounds to me like your friend might be angry with you for a while, but at the same time, I bet it hit home for her. It will probably not change her behavior but it might allow you to try being more direct next time you have a good conversation with her. It is important for very self centered people to get in situations where their presence is ancillary. Sometimes they have to be reminded of this, however it is very important that these reminders come from a place of love and understanding rather than annoyance. I have found that requests and orders are generally received in the spirit in which they are given. I wouldn't give up. Just be patient and direct.
I've written four responses here, and deleted them all. I'll just say that if she does contact you, think twice about responding. It may be best on the long run. Lex
Well, for starters it’s good that you were honest with her. Sometimes hearing that you’re not perfect can sting a bit, but in the end, having people who never give any critique is more toxic. So I think you did the right thing in telling her. As for what to do now, I would say it depends. Do you meet often in real life? If so, it might be best just to wait until the next time you meet, and see what happens. If I’m in conflict with any friend, I usually try to act as normal as possible next time I meet them to show that as far as I’m concerned, I have no animosity towards them. Usually it ends out OK that way. We both learned something, and we don’t need to make a big deal about it If you don’t meet often in real life, then I think it would still be best to wait before considering calling her back. It might take her some time to digest what you said. It might even take a few days. Probably she’s now going over all kinds of situations wondering if she really is self-centered. One extra thought: remaining friends just to avoid self-harm or suicide is not exactly the best thing to do. You’re not responsible to keep friends from doing stupid things. If they need help, then by all means, provide it, but never let it become a situation in which they are their own hostage, forcing you to be friends just to keep them from harm. Such a situation is healthy for no one.
An important thing to do when confronting someone is to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. A good formula for asserting yourself is: When you do this, I feel this way. If you did this instead, I would feel this way. I don't know how you went about telling your friend about her selfishness, but in case she ever denies what you say about her, she can't really deny what you say about yourself, in relation to her.
