I'm very confused on finding the feelings I have after being pushed out of the closet. I was teased in my youth for being different. I lived on an indian reservation and was beat up, teased and called names for who I was. I am white, and was only one of five white kids in the entire K-12 school system there. I was over weight as a kid, and was teased about my weight. Growing up, I didn't realize that I was gay, but I was always called gay. It wasn't until after I had moved from the indian reservation, and in middle school, was I gay. In middle school, I was only out to a very few people, and mostly were people I knew on the internet. A few months after entering high school and meeting my best friend, I came out to her. For two years, she was the only one in real life that I knew. Flash forward to graduating high school and spending the last summer before college, I decided to hang out with another friend of mine. I drove my car with her, her brother, and his friend. We had gotten pizza and were driving back to their place. Somehow, my father had seen me driving with them in the car. Later that week, I come home from working and my mom wanted to talk to me. She explained that my father, who is separated from my mother, called and told her that she saw me in my car with 3 guys and because of this, he thought I was gay. My mother said she told him that I wasn't and she just wanted to make sure. I was completely taken off guard at this point, and began to say things like, "so what if I am gay?" and other things. She cried and explained she wanted to have grandchildren, but I tried to explain that there is still adoption. After that, she explained that she was supportive doesn't care who or what I like. I am having a difficult time trying to discover why he said this and just how to deal with my new freedoms. Another problem I am having is now that I am at a community college, how do I deal with coming out to the people in my classes that think I am straight? Finally, the only other people that I am not out to are my grandparents. They are liberal, but I am having a difficult time thinking of when to come to them and how. It concerns me, because my mom said that not everyone has to know that I am gay and it's something personal that I should keep. *Some background on my dad: he has epilepsy and I believe he has some form of schizophrenia. My dad divorced my mom when I was 1. (I am now 18) He left because she had postpartum depression and it caused her to develop a bipolar disorder. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to get some help.
Hi! And first of all, welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy your stay here and find the help you're looking for. Congrats on coming out to your mother. It mightnot have been the way you ideally wanted to do it, but knowing that she is supportive can already help a great deal. It seems kind of strange of your father to see you in a car with guys and draw the conclusion that you're gay from that. Maybe he was already wondering whether you were gay, and seeking evidence on what he already thought? It's sometimes really hard to find out what parents are thinking. If you want to come out in college, it really depends on how out you want to be. Probably the best option is to not make a big deal about it, but just be out and act as if everyone knows already. When making new friends and the topic of relationships comes up, you could just mention it as if it's no big deal. Also, you could search if there is a GLBT group in the college and join them to meet up with some fellow gay students. Unless you ask people there to keep it quiet, word will probably spread. And if you want to be even more visibly out, you could consider wearing a rainbow pin or a rainbow bracelet. That way it's hard to miss. Then again, there's no hurry in coming out in college either. If you feel like it, that's great, but never come out because you feel you have to. Keeping your sexuality under wraps is probably something your mother wants you to do because she cares for you and afraid of you being hurt for being gay. In the end, it's your choice who to tell it to. If you feel secure enough to come out, then it's definitely not something she can ask you to keep under wraps. Coming out to grandparents is not something I have a lot of experience in. I'm at a loss how to come out to mine, to be honest. I'm thinking that the best way to do it is to make sure that you're alone with them and then just telling them, mentioning that you do so because you want to be honest and open with them. It's probably going to be a bit of a shock to them, but if they're liberally-minded, then they'll probably be OK with it. They might just have some questions, though. It might be best to inform your mom before you do it (or after you did it) so she isn't surprised if they bring it up with her. I hope this helps somewhat?
Hi, First, welcome to EC. It's great that you felt the comfort and safety to post your story here. As far as coming out to people in community college, you can do it indirectly and somewhat subtlely, by putting a button that says something clever (one of my favs is "I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is") or a pink ribbon or rainbow or something on your backpack. You can also just be outspoken on the issues and people will figure it out, or when someone makes a statement that woudl assume you're straight ("Are you seeing anyone at the moment?") you can respond matter-of-factly (No, just haven't found the right guy yet.") On the vast majority of college campuses (perhaps excluding the uber-religious schools), most younger people, even those who may be somewhat conservative, will be OK with it. As for your dad... who knows why he said what he did? Perhaps he himself has questions about his own sexuality, or perhaps some of the guys you were with were obvious, or perhaps he saw a behavior that made him wonder. But it doesn't seem like it really matters at this point, 'cause you're out, and your mom is ok, and that's great! Your mom's statement that "not everyone needs to know" and "it's personal" is reflecting her own biases and values, not yours. If she's early on in the process, she may be still at the stage of thinking of your being gay as *her* failure, and so her fear is that by telling others, it will reflect badly on her. It's an understandable (if ignorant) viewpoint, but it's dead wrong. If your grandparents are liberal, then I'd say go ahead and tell them, it sounds like you're pretty ready to do so. You can send them an email or write a note if you are uncomforable doing it in person. Hope that helps! Feel free to keep us in the loop about what's going on for you, and ask any other q's you may have.
Hi there and welcome! :smilewave With regard to your dad, I have to agree with what was said above - even though we think of our sexuality as a great secret, a lot of folks that are in our daily circle tend to see things that might make them wonder. Perhaps seeing you in a car with four guys made him wonder even more about something he already suspected? As for his telling your mother, it's possible he might have told her that to see if she had any information that he didn't have, since she is around you more frequently. As for your mom's reaction, I had much the same reaction reading that as Chip - there's no reason for you to "keep it to yourself" unless you want to, and I suspect your Mom may be wondering what this says about her. It's a stage of the coming out process most parents go through...my mom and I now talk about when she went through that stage before realizing that nothing she could have done or not done would have changed this. The key is just to be understanding and show your Mom that you are the same person that she raised while also making clear that, if it is important enough to you to be out publically, that you intend to do that and talk about that so she has a chance to express what she's feeling...having these kinds of talks can also help move parents beyond the "Is it something I did?" stage of their own coming out process. What's important in all this, though, is that you can celebrate having come out to your mother - it might not have been ideal, but that was a huge step and one for you to celebrate. :eusa_danc As for coming out in community college, I agree with what has been said above. The best way to show other people that it's no big deal is for you to show it's no big deal with your conversations. The best way to come out is to wait until it naturally comes up in conversation. When a conversation turns to relationships, and people ask what you're looking for in a significant other, and I've said this to a couple of friends, say "As soon as I meet the perfect guy for me, I'll let you know" - it's a somewhat disarming way of letting people know that you're gay, and it does so in a very non-confrontational way. Also, as was mentioned, finding a GLBTQ group on your campus can be very helpful in connecting with other gay people, hearing about their experiences and developing a support network for yourself. As for your grandparents, only you can decide when and how to tell them about you. Maybe you could start by discussing topics on gay issues. That could both let them know what you're thinking about, increasing their comfort level with you and also give you a potential avenue for the coming out discussion/e-mail/whatever. I suspect that, if they're pretty liberal, then they are probably going to be OK with it. There may be a period of adjustment for them, but I am sure they love you and that will override all other concerns. Good luck and let us know if we can be of further help. (*hug*)
Hi, I only post here occasionally, but I'm sure you'll find that the regulars here are very supportive. What I'd say in general is that even if it's awkward at first, given that everyone will probably know eventually, I wouldn't get stressed over how coming out happened. Your mother clearly got caught off guard, and over time I'm sure it'll seem as if there had never been a problem. Your mother might be right about your grandparents. Tell them if you want, but it depends on how close you are with them. Do you think that they would otherwise ask you if were seeing any girls? If they would, you might tell them that you're gay. But until you leave college, they could well not be expecting to hear much about your personal life. So that depends on your circumstances. So you're father thought you were gay. It probably wasn't just seeing you with boys, because that would be the case with a lot of clearly straight boys. He probably noticed something small. Not there was anything wrong with that, because he was right. When I told my parents, I asked them if they had considered it. They said they hadn't, but I wouldn't have minded either way. Even someone who isn't camp might seem gay in the smallest ways. And I'd go with everything mmilam said about telling friends. All the best!
This is how my family reacted for a stage. It felt bad but I knew that it was how they were coping with the news because they didn't know how else to. You all beat me to the great advice. Then again when do you not have good advice? :lol: :icon_bigg
Hi and welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this site - you've come to the right place. It's great that you've come out to your mom and some of your closest friends. That's a great start. And I'm glad to hear that you want to be more open at college. I think you'll feel more comfortable if the people around you know. But there's no rush either, because your orientation shouldn't have much to do with how you get along with people at school. I told my grandmother 6 months ago that I was gay. I had been married for 9 years to a woman and have 2 children, so I was expecting this to be a real shock to her at 92 years of age. As suggested, I found a time when we could be alone, and I just told her. She hardly even blinked, and said that she was fine with that, and she was glad that I was going to be open an honest about who I was - because why shouldn't I? Good luck! And again, welcome to EC!
Thanks everyone. I am possibly going to a gay-straight alliance group meeting tonight. I'm not sure if I should go alone, or bring someone. Or if I should go at all. I want to socialize with more people who share the same emotions, so I think I should try it.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I think joining the GSA for their meeting is an excellent idea! If you want to bring a friend I would go for it. What ever makes you feel more comfortable. The GSA is a great way to meet new people who might share some of your experiences and emotions. Being part of the group, will also give you more information on the events that they might have or the kinds of social activities/gatherings they might have throughout the term. Having someone to talk to and to identify with can really help in feeling a bit more out at college and also just being yourself even among people who you are not out to. I can only encourage you to go and give it a try!
GO!!! What do you have to lose?!? EVERYONE there will be supportive and friendly - they remember what it feels like to go to one of those meetings for the very first time. Good luck!!!
I was too tired that day to go to it, but there is another meeting later this month. I will attend that one. I talked to my sister on a facebook chat. She said that my father said he suspected it and told my sister about how he felt about me. She said that he talked to my mom and told her how he felt and she also thought I was sexually active as well. None of my family talked to me about it and I feel quite upset that they were taking behind my backs about it. She said my father would feel uncomfortable if he asked and he was wrong. I'm really confused about the whole thing. I know I should put it past me and move on, but something just makes me feel that I should talk about it with someone.
This is a very sensitive topic for most people - including those of us who are gay. We have trouble coming to terms with it, so it's understandable that our families struggle a little. I think it's fair that your dad didn't know what to say, even if it is disappointing. I wish someone had sat down with me too when I was younger and said "Hey, it's possible for you to be gay, bi or straight. And regardless of what you are, it's OK with me. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk about it." That might have saved me a lot of heart ache and pain. This is a big deal. So don't think you should be able to 'gloss' over this and 'put it behind you'. You DO need to talk about this with someone. You can talk to us here, but I also think you'd benefit from talking to someone in person. So getting to that LGBT meeting at your school would be a really great thing to do!
An update: I went to a GSA meeting and it was really awesome. Some people I had known who were out were there, and I got to meet 2 guys who are gay and I want to get to know them better. Gonna hang out with one of them tomorrow with friends at a coffee shop. Also, I didn't specifically tell my mom at first at what kind of meeting I was going to. I left the papers on the table from the meeting and she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about with her and that I can talk to her about anything. I said no, but they were from a gay straight alliance meeting and that I didn't need to. Thanks for the encouragement to go to the GSA meeting, it was a really awesome time and I can't wait for my next one.
