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Is it possible?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fanfreek, Jan 7, 2010.

  1. fanfreek

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    There's this question that has been weighing on mind lately, and I want to know what's your opinion on this. Is it really possible to be 100% sure that you're gay if you've never even tried to be in a relationship with a woman?

    I had a few chances to be with girls but every time I ended up pushing them away because I wasn't ready, and to this day I fear that some of them might think that I'm inexperienced (which I am, of course). It's a fear of mine that I've never been able to let go.

    I know that women don't turn me on for most of the time. If you show me a cute guy I'd probably think of him more often than I ever would a girl. Actually, the last year or so I've never even thought of hooking up with a girl. I've been trying to come out for some time, but I always wonder what could happen if I end up realizing I might have a chance with a girl.

    Help out a confused mind?
     
  2. Dr Acula

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    It is entirely possible. I've never been with a woman, I was just never interested. Obviously I've wondered and know when I'd have had a chance, but didn't take it because I didn't want to as I wasn't attracted to them.
     
  3. Stephen505

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    There are a bunch of weird questions that can go along with this.. In my mind, you'd first just have to established what goes along with "being gay". If your definition is different than others, just be clear of that when you come out.

    <examples of why it can be ambiguous> What happens if you're sexually attracted to only men, but emotionally/mentally attracted to some specific woman you meet? If you feel really close to this woman, is that "straight"? Would it only be "straight" once you have sex or get married? If this scenario comes, what would you do? Would she be your best friend? Would she be your girlfriend? It's all just in your definitions.

    But ya, personally, I am not physically attracted to women.. I've never been with one, but I just know in my mind that.. I would not go there. lol. So ya, it's possible, but I hope you aren't letting some sort of fear hold you back (though it does seem you prefer guys..?). Also, I accept that one day I might meet a girl who is smart and fun and blah and etc, but I'd never call her my girlfriend and I'd still call myself gay. I might move in with her, I might spend half my life with her, but she'd just be my best friend. lol.

    Just try to think of every aspect of your future.. live out some days.. different scenarios.. see which one makes you happiest :slight_smile:.
     
  4. fanfreek

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    I feel as if coming out (if accepted by my family) would be the best feeling in the world possible. I don't exactly know what comes afterwards because I just can't imagine it without actually coming out. I feel like I could finally be completely myself, like I could actually make a friendship with someone and not just put all my friendships aside because I know I can't be completely honest with them.

    I was never actually sexually attracted to a woman, it was just that I really wanted to have a girlfriend (high school stuff) just because everyone else had one and I didn't. However, being with a boy would be amazing.
     
  5. Stephen505

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    Ya... I feel like I used to be in a scenario similar to you lol... Like everyone, initially I was told that I'd have a girlfriend one day, so I just waited (never really thought much about that stuff). As time progressed I started to think of boys.. "Oh okay! I'm bi!" ... after a while I realized I NEVER thought of girls LOL.

    So ya, if you can't see yourself with a girl, or you see yourself happier with a boy in the future, you shouldn't question if you're "knowledgeable" enough with respect to your relationships with girls. (My mom used to ask me: "you've never been with a girl, how do you know you're gay" ... it got kinda annoying.. I believe you can tell what you like without having to try it sometimes.)

    <runs off to class>

    ..I agree with everything in your most recent post. It is great (if it goes well...).. there are a bunch of threads here about how/when would be best.
     
  6. Dr Acula

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    I think that's possibly the most common thing that gay people I've spoken to about coming out have said. I think it is most likely just a bridge most people form to make coming to terms with the fact that they are gay easier to accept.
     
  7. fanfreek

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    There's also this another thing... It may be me revealing too much info but what the heck... My mom died two years ago and my father has been dating for a few months now. For some strange reason, I have a feeling like he'd be okay with it. He still makes comments expecting me to find a girlfriend, so I have no idea why I feel like this. Maybe I feel like he'd understand what it's like going up against what people accept as normal (seeing as how people are judging him for finding another woman so soon). Then again, I don't know if I could survive not talking to him if he chose to reject me as a son after I would tell him. He's the only parent I've got left.
     
  8. Stephen505

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    Well one thing I did with my friends was bring up things like: "Oh look at this youtube video, isn't it crazy how homophobic people are sometimes?!" or... "wow, can you believe they did this? What are your feelings on the scenario?" (I actually used that NOM "storm" thing and asked people if they would "join the rainbow coalition" or not LOL)

    You can kinda probe around the area without talking directly about yourself to become more comfortable with the situation and assess if it's a good time to bring it up.

    Though keep in mind, accepting "gays in general" isn't as hard as accepting your son/best friend... Contrarily, sometimes people change their views when someone they love explains the situation.. So probing the topic like that isn't a DEFINITE answer, just a helpful transition.
     
  9. Gaetan

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    That basically sums it up. I've never been with a girl in any way beyond a platonic date with a good friend. I thought of myself bi for years until I just made myself realize that I never thought of girls. :lol:

    I don't see any indication in what you said that he will be accepting. However there is nothing suggesting he wont be. You are his son, and I imagine him rejecting you would be just as hard for him as it would be for you.
     
  10. fanfreek

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    I guess it's just my mind playing tricks on me, heh. Never mind then, and thanks for answering guys. :slight_smile: I think I've been bothering you with my questions for too long... I've been here for quite some time and nothing yet.

    I actually think it's a good thing - I might be setting myself up for a big fall, so hearing your thoughts really makes me think about it. Sometimes I get these thoughts in my head for no apparent reason, so it's good you're keeping it real. :slight_smile:
     
    #10 fanfreek, Jan 7, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2010
  11. Chip

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    I don't think it's possible to ask too many q's on EC, so you aren't "bothering" anyone with your Q's :slight_smile:

    When you think about the question of can you know you aren't straight without having a girlfriend, flip it around; how can a straight guy know he isn't gay if he's never had a boyfriend? The answer, of course, is that a person knows what he's attracted to. One of the suggestions I make to people is that they spend some time fantasizing while masturbating (if you normally look at porn while doing the deed, then try looking at straight porn if you normally look at gay porn or vice-versa) and see what fantasies excite you. If you find yourself turned on while thinking about sex with girls, then you're at least bi. If you find that you are much more turned on thinking about being with a guy, then you're more likely gay. And if there's some of both, then you're somewhere on the continuum between straight and gay.
     
  12. Phoenix

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    This is basically what I was going to say but I also wanted to add that there are straight (or formerly straight) people who literally don't have a clue they like someone of the same gender until they experience it. I have 3 or 4 friends who identified as straight until, well, they were in bed with someone of the same gender. So I'm assuming it works the same for gay people. If you've never been with a woman it's entirely possible that you might be able to be attracted to them sexually. It's not a guarantee, but anything's possible.
     
  13. fanfreek

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    Thanks, it really helps a lot. :slight_smile: Something to think of, definitely.
     
  14. Miles D

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    Well, I always think that everyone has at least one person that will turn their crank who doesn't exactly fit into their perceived or internal sexuality. What I mean is that I think everyone is somewhat bisexual, and that even if you identify as gay/straight, you might meet that one woman/man that does it for you.

    Also, because I really have seen how fluid gender is, I feel like there are people that don't exactly fit into the male-female binary, so they might not fit into the exact person you thought you were attracted to.

    For example, I bet I could show you pictures of super sexy guys, and you would tell me that they were super sexy. What if those guys happen to be transguys who haven't have any surgery to alter their bodies to masculinize them? Does that make you straight, because you think someone with girl parts is attractive? NO. Not at all. Gender is relative, so therefore so is sexuality.

    -Miles :grin:
     
  15. RaeofLite

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    Well I know I can be emotionally attracted to a few guys. But if I ended up trying to kiss them I wouldn't feel anything below the belt (believe me, I've tried!!). Whereas with women I am physically, emotionally and sexually attuned to them.

    Sexuality for humans has been described on the Kinsey scale a few times..
     
  16. Filip

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    First of all, never feel like you're bothering us! Answering questions (and having our own questions answered) is what we're here for!

    Like the others said, I think it's perfectly possible to be sure you're gay without trying out being in a relationship with a woman. Even if girls don't physically repulse you, it is possible to just never feel attracted to them on an emotional or physical level either.

    If you do feel the urge to try a relationship with a girl (or anyone, for that matter), then always try to look at your motives. If it is "OMG, yes! This person is totally right for me", then that is definitely a valid reason. However, in your posts, you mention reasons like "I need experience" or "I feel pressured because everyone else does so". While you think that being with a boy would be "amazing". I'd say that answers your question as to what you really want!

    Just entering into a relationship for gaining experience or conforming to societal norms is something that a lot of people do. However, in the end, it will more often than not end up in breaking up and heartache for one or both parties, since there is relatively litte glue holding the relationship together.

    That said, I do know it's tempting to try. I had a girl crush on me fairly recently, and even though I knew it was a bad idea, I did feel a lot of temptation to do the easy, socially accepted thing and try out dating. In the end, I'm glad I didn't, though.


    From what you say, it sounds like your dad might be accepting. If he's the only parent you have, it might be worth it to try coming out to a few of your closer friends first. If you're fairly sure they'd be supportive, coming out to friends can help a lot on creating a support network. And it does wonders for getting the self-confidence to come out to parents. Coming out, for me, at least, did help a lot in removing a lot of the mental blocks I had.
    In the end, even if they don't break out the champagne when they hear their child is gay, I have the impression that most parents accept it in the end.
     
  17. Jim1454

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    I'm not sure I would agree with this.

    Society conditions us to simply assume that we're straight. So those that ARE straight have that advantage. It's like there's nothing for them to think about. Society says to guys "like girls" and for straight guys, it makes them feel good. For gay guys, it makes them feel uncomfortable, even before they realize they're gay. When they eventually can accept that they might be 'bi' and then experiment, they realize that they prefer to be with men.

    I highly doubt that someone could come to the conclusion that they're gay, despite all of the signals that society sends, and then at a later date realize that they were mistaken and they were in fact straight. Perhaps that day will come, but I don't think we've made it there yet.

    So to the OP - I'd say the odds are pretty good that you're gay. And if coming out would make you feel better, I'd say go for it.
     
  18. Holmes

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    I know what you mean. I hope you don't if I talk a bit about my own life rather than answering your question directly. You might see a bit in common with how you're feeling.

    When I was in my younger teens, I was fairly sure I was gay. I was in an all-boys school. When I was 13, there was a boy in my class I fancied, I was fine with that, I knew that some people were gay, and I just happened to be one of them. The summer I turned 14, I was on an exchange trip to France and really had a thing for the boy's younger brother. The summer I was 16, I was in London and saw a replica of Michelangelo's David and said to myself, "You're gay, you're getting a bit older now, you should really start doing something about it"

    Then back in school, we were now mixed with the girls. I started sitting beside one of the girls a few times, and find I liked her. I thought to myself that maybe I had just thought I was gay because there weren't girls around. We did gel for a few weeks, and she expected I'd ask her out. I didn't get around to it, and nothing happened. There followed six years of being between being sure I was just a little bit gay and hardly giving it any thought, to thinking I wanted to come out. During that time, when I was 20, I did have a girlfriend, a solid relationship that lasted 3 and a half months. She broke it off with me soon after I had said nothing when she'd dressed in a sexy outfit. I was sorrily disappointed.

    It was later I found I had a crush on one of my best friends, and couldn't ignore it. So I started letting people know I was not straight. But I still liked certain girls. I found during last summer that I still occasionally hard crushes of sorts with girls.

    Then it was Christmas Day I realized that while I had an ability to form an intellectual bond with a girl, to really get on with them and want to spend time with her, I wasn't sexually attracted to girls. Not that I didn't think many were quite pretty, but it never jumped out at me, "Damn, she's hot!"

    So I think you might think you might get on with a girl. You might, but it probably wouldn't last. I don't regret in any big way the sequence of such events, it made sense for me at the time.

    I think people say too much that everyone's a little bit bi. In terms of genuine sexual attraction, of the sort where it could form part of a strong relationship, I think most are either one or the other.
     
  19. paco

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    agree, it's so much harder for a person to think that they're gay or bi in our society so it would be natural to fight that as much as possible and believe "I'm straight". but it takes a lot of thought, confusion and uncomfort to even start seriously thinking that you're gay and i don't think anyone would be able to put themselves through that without it being true at least to some degree.