There's something that I've been thinking and kinda stressing out about lately. I came out to my parentsalmost a year ago. When I did that, they told me that they don't think I'm gay because I always hung around girls (as friends), and that I should pray to god to basically make me straight. Then I asked if I'm just gay would they be disappointed, and they said yes. At the time I was so relieved I had told them, and I guess I thought I was done. The only other time my gayness has been brought up was when I was having these bad stomach aches that I thought might be the start of a ulcer or something since I wasn't sick or anything and was stressed out at the time (it wasn't an ulcer, thankfully. ) Anyway, I was asked if anything in the last few months had been causing me stress, and i said that coming out to them was stressful, and my job was stressful. Then I was asked if I had been praying about being straight. And it hasn'tbeen brought up again since. The thing is, I do want to bring it up again, but I'm not sure how to do it. The last year has felt like there's this elephant in the room whenever they're around that doesn't get acknowledged. My question is, how should I go about talking about being gay again without chickening out? I hope this makes at least some sense, and any advice or opinions are appreciated. Thanks! :icon_bigg
I would suggest talking to them frankly and saying that you were born gay, you are gay, you are happy being gay, and God isn't going to change you because He created you that way, and you are perfect as you are. It might be a very sensible idea to get Prayers for Bobby ($3 from Itunes) and watch it with your family. It's a very thoughtful and well done (and true) story about a holy-roller Bible thumper whose son committed suicide because she wouldn't accept him, and how she came to understand that her interpretation of the Bible was, basically, wrong. It's clear they don't love you any less or anything, but are just disappointed, so I think the sooner you get it out in the open and force the issue a little so they get past the denial stage, I think they'll come around and you'll feel more comfortable.
Your parents are going to keep on "wishing and praying" unless you set things straight with them and educate them on the issue. Prayers for Bobby is a wonderful start. I would also suggest that you give them some PFLAG materials and then ask to talk to them about it all after they have read it. You can download some things here. http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594 I would recommend Your Daughters and Sons and Faith in Our Families. Good luck!
Not to put to fine a point on it, but it may be that your parents simply don't want to deal with "the whole gay thing". This seems especially common when you're single. I can't be certain, but I'm betting my mother had some image of me coming to dinner one night, dressed in nothing but a leather harness, chained to some huge guy. "This is Bruiser, and he'll be eating my dinner tonight, and letting me lick the plate when he's done. Please direct all your questions to him." And then they meet your boyfriend. And he's...well, a person. Not some worst-case scenario. You're 23. You've told them. They know. They don't want to discuss it. So unless there's a motivating reason to, perhaps you don't need to. It may be that you just want to talk about it with SOMEBODY. In which case, find somebody who IS willing to discuss it. Lex
I tend to agree with Lex. It sounds like they know, but they're still in the phase of trying to process the information and imagine the life you're going to be leading. Eventually, they'll meet your boyfriend and see that no harnesses/dog collars/whips and chains are involved and that he is a normal person as you are. In the meantime, perhaps you could find a club of some kind in the area or a discussion group so you can discuss your own feelings with someone who will be supportive? That way, it gives you an outlet while also giving your parents time to "catch up", so to speak.
Hi there! I think it would be good if you could give them a few things to read, such as the PFLAG material that Becky suggested or perhaps get them the book "Now that you know" which is a really good book for parents. Part of understanding is education. Leave it for them, and you could just ask them to read it and reiterate that there is nothing to be disappointed about. At the same time, I think it would be a good idea not to push it too much. Your parents need time to get used to the idea. Give them space and time as well. As Lex mentioned, they know you are gay. They are disappointed but the more you are able to show them that you haven't changed and that live continues as it always has the easier it will also be for them to understand it that your sexual identity is just one piece of you but doesn't really change anything. Part of their disappointment is the loss of their dreams for you and for the future that they envisioned. But with time, these dreams will be replaced with new ones. If you feel that you need or want to talk, I think joining a support group in the Detroit area might be a good idea. Maybe try attending a PFLAG meeting or a LGBT support group meeting. Talking to others and listening to their experiences after they came out to their parents might also provide you with a bit of reassurance that things can work out. Maybe, a part of you wants and perhaps also needs some reassurance that your parents will eventually be more supportive or won't be disappointed any more. I hope this helps a bit.
For the biggest part of the year, I was in the same situation. I told my mother in april last year, and while she never told me that she was disappointed, or didn't accept it, or gave any negative comment in any way (though she did mention that she didn't like me "always taking the difficult choice"), afterwards it just became the elephant in the room. Whenever the conversation threatened to go there, she would change subject. Whenever my brother would make a comment about it, she'd look straight at the ground. Were it not for those small signs, I would have started to doubt whether she remembered me coming out in the first place. And it became surprisingly easy for me to do the half-closeted thing and never even dare to mention it. What helped was to just occasionally make a small comment that really implied that I was still gay. If there's something about gay rights in the news, I make an appreciative comment. The last time I read an article about homosexuality in a magazine, I just let it lie open on that page when I left the room (it was closed when I came back, so she must have seen). It's easier to do than say "let's talk about me being gay", but it sends the message. It hasn't gotten to the point where we have full and frank discussions about it, but I'm having the impression that she doesn't want to flee the room anymore whenever anything gay-related comes up. Probably me bringing it up occasionally, and yet not changing into her worst stereotyped fear makes her see that, apart from being gay, I'm still the same son she had the 25 previous years. It's slow going, but I feel like there is gradual progress. And, of course, it just takes some time. It took me ten years to come out, so I always try to remember that I can't expect my mom to be OK with it in just a few months. Even if it's uncomfortable now, the important thing is that the process of dealing with it has started. So, what I want to say is: for me it helped to occasionally let it be known that I was gay, and not even trying to change anymore. That way there wasn't any false hope that I was ever going to turn straight, but also no fear that I was suddenly going to change into the personification of every bad gay stereotype known to man. That's just how it worked for me, though. It is probably best to be well-prepared with some PFLAG material and well-educated answers when they pull the religion card, just in case even a small comment you make ends up in a full discussion. I'm sure that, with time, they will grow to accept it!
Most parents are getting to the point where they are more accepting about this even in society while others are not even if they are basing their decisions around religion..your parents are just late bloomers. They will just need time to come to terms with what you are going through.. I had the same problem..the stomach aches from stress, a religious mother (after 9 months though she's doing better)..all it takes is time..you have already told them, all that needs to be said has been said..it's now time for them to work it out and come to you if they have questions.
I was sent to counseling by a Christian Psychologist who was very professional and listened and didn't judge me at all. My parents and I have not talked about it since the day I came out to them. Things go smoothly and our relationship is great, but I do know that I need to eventually suck it up and be like, "hey, I'm gay, this is who I am and have been for the past 16 years, so I just want you to know that." I'm not sure I can ever get to the point to openly acting and being gay in front of my family. I've definitely been struggling with this as well. Hang in there man. I don't feel like there is a big white elephant in the room as much with my parents but there are times when I want to share my joy over a boy or express myself and I definitely suppress those feelings when around them.
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. I really appreciate the advice, and it's given me alot to think about. Part of me kinda wants to have the "I'm still gay" big discussion, but maybe I should let them know I'm still gay in more subtle ways like many of you said. I remember when the Matthew Shepard hate crimes bill was signed into law I made a positive comment about it and they agreed with me. That was nice. I went to a support group a few times before I came out, which was a good experience. Maybe I should take your guys' advice and go back. It's kinda hard for me to talk in front of a large group about myself. I get nervous and when I'm nervous I talk really fast. But it was nice to meet some other gay people, some of whom were in the same place I was then. It's kind of a far drive and it's almost impossible for me to get Saturdays off from work to go (retail sucks if you wish to have some sort of personal life, LOL.) I'll look into where the PFLAG is in Detroit too. I'm sure there is one. Oh, and i printed that PFLAG document that Becky suggested. Thanks! I'm trying to think of how to go about making sure they read it. I also recorded "Prayers For Bobby" quite awhile ago. I told my mother i wanted her to watch it with me sometime, but that never happened. I did watch it myself last week and loved it. Now I really want to watch it with both of my parents. I think the reason I want to discuss this further with them is just wanting to share more of myself, other than what's going on at work or "remember when I was a kid..." I guess it just bums me out that I feel like I can't share asmuch as I want to share with them. Anyway, thanks for all the advice, everybody! I appreciate it so much! :icon_bigg
