So, for a couple months now, I've had a huge crush on this girl K, a junior at my school (I'm a freshman). I've been acquainted with her for about two years and I know she's been kind of watching out for me since I came out. When I started high school last fall, I started noticing I would get butterflies when she smiled at me and that I could never stop smiling when we talked. One day K found out from someone I had told that I liked her and left a note in my locker saying that I was wrong, she had noticed; and that our relationship would be different if she didn't already have a girlfriend, but someday I was going to knock some girl's socks off. And we talked once in a while, just as friends, up until Christmas break. The first week of break, she texted me asking if I wanted to hang out sometime (later I found out that she broke up with her girlfriend that day). We went to the mall with a group of friends, and she didn't act interested until that night, when she asked if I wanted to go to a movie. Halfway through she asked if I wanted her to stop hitting on me, and of course I told her I didn't mind, so we cuddled for the rest of the movie. The next day we talked literally from the time we got up until midnight, and... well, we sexted. :icon_redf the day after that was Christmas Eve, and we went to the mall again. That was when it started to go downhill. Later that day we were talking and she said she was uncomfortable because she had never dated anyone younger, and she really liked me didn't want to hurt me, but the age gap was really bothering her (I'm 15 and she's 17). I personally don't think it's that big, but whatever. I could give you the long version, but the short one is that since then she's changed her mind a couple times - from "we should give it a try; you're worth it" to again deciding it wasn't a good idea. This past week we barely talked at all (school doesn't start til tomorrow) and when we did text, she gave one word answers and never offered anythig to the conversation. I left her alone for a couple days, then called yesterday and we talked for about an hour. So after the ridiculously long explanation, I'll get to the problem. I still want her, really badly. And I know she still wants me but feels too responsible (I know that sounds egotistical, but she's told me and I've heard from a trusted outside source). But more than that, we both want each other to not get hurt. I know she's still really torn up about her ex, and I want to talk to her and help her and make it better. And I want to be her friend if I can't be anything else, because she's a great person. But I feel like she might need space, so I don't know what to do. EC- help? Please? PS: Sory it was so horribly long, and thanks to anyone who read it!
The only girl I've ever been in love with was pretty similar. She was younger than me but a lot more experienced, and when she was in 'I love you but I can't be with you' mode (her other two modes were 'I love you and I want to give it a try' and 'I don't love you, I don't want to be with you, why can't you accept that and stop pressuring me') she would say that she didn't think she'd be good for me and that she didn't think someone like her should be my first. I stuck with her, I waited so long for her to come around; and she kept on playing me because she knew I'd keep loving her nomatter what she did. She loved having a puppy dog, someone who'd always be there for her to come back to on every whim. And it was one of the most painful situations I've ever been in. I think you really need to talk to her. It's not fair to you that she's keeping you hanging in limbo - I'm not saying she is like this, but it could be that, like my ex, she could keep coming back to you when she feels like it without having to committ because she knows you'll be there. I think you need to seriously ask her where she plans to take this - if she still wants to pursue a relationship she can't keep you at arm's length, and if she doesn't, she needs to tell you straight out so that you can start to heal. PM me any time, I know how it feels (*hug*)
So this is sort of an update, and sort of another question to add. Since the original post, we've started hanging out again. I'm actually surprised at how much time she wants to spend with me - literally every free period we meet somewhere at school. And we don't do anything; whenever my friends meet somewhere it's a big sketchy thing and they're making out or whatever on school grounds and trying not to get caught, but we just talk. And I love it. We've also talked on the phone until around midnight the past three or four nights. That's where the new problem comes in. Tuesday night we were on the phone and the subject of cutting came up. She knew I had used to hurt myself (not even tehnically cutting, but similar) but that night she found out I was still doing it and she got really upset. She went off on me about how it was immature and attention-seeking and didn't fix anything, and I actually do agree with her on everything but the attention-seeking part. Later she asked why I was so miserable, and I honestly couldn't come up with a single significant reason. I mean, I'm really stressed all the time, my ballet teacher was calling me worthless when I started cutting, my friends were basically deserting me, and my parents make me feel like I'm never good enough. But thinking about it made me realize how much worse it could be and how most of that stuff is normal life and shouldn't matter at all. I was already upset with myself for cutting before we had that conversation; I felt like I should be stronger and be able to stop. But I really do think she's right, and she's made me think a lot about the whole situation. I threw away what I had been using to hurt myself, and I want to tell her that I agree with her. But I've been trying so hard to get with her this whole time; will telling her that seem like I'm just trying to get her to like me more? I really do want to stop, and yes I want to prove I'm mature and that is a part of why but it's not the whole reason. And aside from that question, how can I prove my maturity better?
