Emotional Attraction

It comes when you let your guard down and accept the fact that you're gay and you're into other guys.

Before you reach that point where you really accept it in your mind, you can't really allow yourself to envision yourself being cuddly and affectionate with another man.

When I first came to terms with being gay, it had only been sexual attraction and sexual interactions up til then. But that's because I had myself convinced that I was only 'bicurious' or 'experimenting' with other men. I wasn't 'gay'.

Eventually I realized that I was gay - and with a little more time I came to accept that.

When my bf and I started dating, we would spend hours just sitting on the couch in each other's arms. It just felt SO good to feel him breathing and to feel his body next to mine. So it does happen - but it takes a while.

 

I think it comes with time, as you become more comfortable with your sexuality. I felt similarly before I came out. I can’t remember when it changed, but it is definitely no longer an issue. My emotional attachment to my boyfriend is very deep. We have a level of intimacy that I never experienced before. Just give it some time and it will likely come.

 

Heh, most things about coming out scared me, and the idea of intimacy, physical or emotional, was no different. I had exactly the same reaction as you when I first spent time around lots of other gay and lesbian people at my university's LGBT... it was great to be there and be out, but I still found it a bit weird to see two guys or girls holding each other.
As Jim1454 said, there's a process to things, and actually coming out by telling people is part of it, but not all of it. It took me a little while, even after I was out to all of my friends, to be really comfortable with myself and my sexuality, but I got there. I didn't ever 'work on it', it just happened. So be patient with yourself and take it at your own pace.

 

totally takes a while, i was scared of the same thing. It because it's something yo uaren't used to and you have to do a little work before you can de-wire the way you think, the more comfortable you get with being gay, the more you open up to it, and i'd say i could be more emotionally intimate with a guy now than I ever was with girls and i felt the same as you, just takes a while

 

I feel the same way. I have a strong sexual attraction to men but sometimes I worry that I'll have difficulty becoming emotionally attatched. But My friend who came out around the same time as me got a boyfriend and he's very much emotionally attatched.

 

Oh. Thank god other people feel this way. I was worried that I was destined to be a sex addict or something. It's just comforting knowing that other people go through similar stages, i guess.

 

It is totally common for many guys who are coming out to go through a really distinct period where, to put it overly simply, they are basically of the opinion, "I get hot for guys but I only fall in love with women." That is, there's a huge schism (to them) between the physical and the emotional.

If you read enough coming out stories, hang out on enough sites like this... totally, totally common. Nearly laughably so, because most people seem to think it's only themselves who feel like this and there's often quite a bit of hierarchy tied up in the phenomenon, where you get the sense (or are sometimes told explicitly) that somehow this makes some of these people "better" in the masculine sense than their fellow gay peers.

Personally, I think it's all tied up in stereotypical yet very ingrained ways of thinking about men and women and how sexuality can impact your gender. Most people have usually heard of how, among some people, and definitely in some cultures, a guy who only fucks other guys has more status/currency than a guy who gets fucked. A lot of that revolves around the notion that to be fucked (the act of being penetrated) is such a womanly thing that by letting yourself get fucked, you are pretty much sacrificing your manhood/masculinity. You also hear about guys who will let other guys suck them off but won't ever reciprocate and give a blow job. Or guys who will have sex but won't kiss. Or won't kiss on the mouth.

Basically, intimacy and emotionality tends to be highly associated with women and femininity in white Anglo Euro culture, and physicality/domination is highly associated with men and masculinity. Another example is the (incredibly damaging and stupid) notion that "real men don't cry." I mean, you could literally substitute "cry" with "get fucked" and it's essentially describing the same logic/mindset. And there's the whole "women are 'naturally' nurturing and cooperative" horseshit and a bunch of other stuff.

But to get back to the main issue, I think all of us, but especially guys, are conditioned to think of men as non-affectionate, especially with one another (apart from the whole locker room camaraderie thing that seems to be one of the only acceptable outlets for hetero male-male affection). So seeing or thinking about two guys being obviously sexual, but especially if the interaction is undeniably affectionate, seems totally wrong--literally "unmanly." I mean, even SEEING it makes most guys feel uncomfortable, especially if they're not used to it, because masculinity, as it turns out, is something that most people feel is constantly "at risk," so in a way it's a totally fragile thing that has to be constantly re-stated, re-negotiated, and reinforced.

And for gay guys... well they already know they're "failures" in a certain sense for not wanting sex with women. But they do feel the desire for sex, which is coded as extremely masculine (the notion being that men want sex all the time, and conversely women want to avoid sex all the time). So what I figure goes on is that nascently aware gay guys can handle desiring other guys sexually because even if they realise they're "not supposed" to want guys, they're still fulfilling the masculine role of being sexual. But to want affection, from another guy... that's a TOTALLY different thing. I mean, men (traditionally--I realise it's changing and not uniform among all guys ever) have a hard enough time dealing with being emotional in private in front of their female partner... to be emotional and to have emotional desires in the presence of another man?! To need another guy to show you affection? That's pretty much as unmanned as you can let yourself be.

I think in this particular respect, women coming out have it easier than guys because it's not so forbidden for women to be affectionate with one another. And if you look at the tenor of female-female friendships, they tend to be more emotional right off the bat, so for women to feel the need for emotional fulfillment from other women doesn't register as quite as frightening as it does for men. (And this is all total generalization because that's not to say it's not super-difficult for some women--and probaby super-easy for some guys.)

So yeah, it's totally normal for you to find it weird to think of guys being emotionally close with one another, and for you to find it disconcerting to think of yourself as letting yourself be emotionally open with another guy. But it's not something you're stuck with--ultimately I think for most people, the need for closeness overwhelms the need to "protect" their masculinity--and it's pretty hard for most people to have sex with someone repeatedly and not develop some sort of emotional bond with them. It's just that initially it tends to feel/seem/look a little odd.

 

I think Joey put it best.

I'll say it from my point of view. I can sometimes feel emotional attractions to men. But I know from past experiences it would never work sexually or mentally in a one night stand or relationship basis. I just don't get "aroused" by them even though there's that emotional connection.

Whereas with women I have all of the following attractions: physical, sexual, emotional and mental.

 

Well, I think Joey, above, got the whole societal background of it down. Not that that is what goes through your mind when you are weirded out when you se two guys cuddle. but there is just a lot of trained behaviour of "guys always keep their distance from each other!"

When I was still closeted, and for a few months after, I never really allowed myself any emotional closeness to anyone, male or female. I always kept my distance, always kept my hands to myself, and never touched someone else for more than a handshake (or a kiss on the cheek for women, unless I could get out from under it). Even just spending time one-on-one with anyone freaked me out.

Over the last few months or so, I find that reflex disappearing, though. It just seems like there is a small delay between consciously realising that there's nothing wrong with displays of affection, and my body picking up on it and not flinching whenever it comes up. But there is definitely progress. I even hugged one of my friends at new year. I'm guessing that's not a big deal, as it's something straight guys do too, but still, it was a victory to me!

The good thing is that it's not really hard work to overcome it. As you're more and more getting used to the idea of it ever going to happen, it becomes less and less weird. You just spent some time being wired not to think of it as normal, and it takes some time to get rewired, so to speak.

 

Joey, that was BRILLIANT! I've never heard such a comprehensive theory on this before, and what you say makes complete sense. Thanks for putting so much thought into this!

 

I myself getting emotionally attached to anyone scary. I can count on one hand the people in my life who's opinions matter to me, anyone else I can shrug off.

But, this post is about you and not me. Like everything else in life, it take time to get used to it. It seems odd to see two men or women kiss hugging whatever because we just don't see it in our society that much.

 

Emotional attraction is something I look forward to greatly.

There is nothing more romantic than just laying together in each other's arms.