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help.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Phenobarbidol, Sep 26, 2005.

  1. Phenobarbidol

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    Mostly everyone seems to have one thing in common. That is their mom seems to be supportive (don't get me started on my dad). But what if your mother is the complete opposite and is quite homophobic. She told me "She felt as is she failed as a mother" when she found out and i am not quite shure what to do with no immediate family being there for me.
     
  2. popboy

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    I'm probably not the right person to give advice... though do you really think that that is an homophobic statement? I think she just feels guilty. I'm quite sure that's how my mom would feel if I ever came out to her. Some mothers are full of guilt, and while some kids use it to manipulate their mothers... others just suffer because of it. My mom felt she failed when I told her that I wasn't interested in getting college degree, and then when I eventually got it, she felt the same because I told her I didn't want the whole ceremony and stuff! So imagine when she gets to know I won't marry a woman, raise her grandchildren, etc...
    There's a group of wonderfull people here that will surely have more interesting -and helpful- things to say in a matter of minutes. Keep posted.
     
  3. JonB321

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    Hmmm... that's tough. I'd say give them time, and try to figure out a way to change their minds about it. Prove to her that she didn't fail as a mother. If all else fails, slap her in the face because she deserves it (JK). But you might want to stay clear of actions typical of rebelion, coloring your hear blue or purple, tattoos, piercings, painting your nails, etc. You just need to show her that you're a normal person, and that she did a good job raising you (unless of course she didn't, but I doubt that's the case). Either way, just be patient, things will turn around. Life has a nice way of surprising us most of the time.
     
  4. drhladnjak

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    When I came out to my parents, I was actually surprised by their respective reactions.

    I assumed my father would be too homophobic to deal with it, but in fact he's fairly accepting. His opinion of me being gay is basically that it's my life and that I should do what makes me happy even if he doesn't understand it exactly himself. He doesn't have serious moral issues with it, but would prefer me to be straight because he thinks my life would be easier that way (less discrimination, lower risk of AIDS, etc.). He's worked with a couple of guys who were bi or gay and even went through some sort of sensitivity training at work on dealing with the LGBT community, which was lead by "a gay who was really normal" (his words, not mine, although his intent was good). Interestingly, he's also concerned about me being domestically abused. I think that's because when he used to work for the fire department in a gay neighborhood he saw a lot of horrible fights between gay couples. Of course there he wasn't seeing the couples that get along, only the ones that fough so bad the paramedics needed to be called. Still, he's pretty good about it on the whole.

    When I was coming out to my parents (both at the same time), he talked a lot but that's just how he functions (thinking out loud). After that, the two of us talked in the car alone for about an hour and fifteen minutes. He told me about some of the gay and bi guys as well as lesbians he had known over the past couple years. I tried to explain to him my attraction to guys, which I think helped some. It's like he didn't believe I couldn't find most girls attractive. He also complained a lot about women and how in some ways I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with the way they think and behave. I think at one point he said (pardon the crudeness, but this is a quote) "if a guy had boobs and a pussy, I might be with a guy too".

    My mother on the other hand was almost totally silent when I came out to her, partially because my father was talking so much (she couldn't get a word in edgewise) and partially because I think she was a bit dumbfounded. I had always assumed she probably already knew (hello, 26 year old son who sorta dated a girl once but had lots of platonic female friends in high school) and would be open-minded and accepting of my sexuality whatever it was. She claimed at the time that she was ok with it, although about a week later the other shoe dropped while I talked with her on the phone. She called me 'deviant' and 'abnormal' which was very hurtful. She used all the cliche arguments like how "it's just not natural" and how maybe I just haven't tried hard enough with girls. The one positive thing she has said is that from what she's read she does believe people are born gay and that trying to change doesn't work. She doesn't understand being gay at all and knows no other gay people. She was raised Catholic (but turned away from it) and has attended various conservative evangelical protestant churches since then. She certainly has some major issues with what she views as the morality of all of it.

    So the moral of the story is that you can never really count on how a given person will react. If you can't find supportive family members, you really should seek out another supportive source whether that be a group, therapist (gay affirmative only though) or even just a good friend.
     
  5. Phenobarbidol

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    I have done the therapists (you see when this all happened, i started to cut myself and that along with pure teenage angst resulted in lots of problems) Luckily most of this happened while i was in grade school and now that i am in high school i have started to make friends. But still it would be nice to have someone to give you advice and just be friendly with you when you get home. Instead of thinking lesser of you. Your dad reacted really well, my father was almost the exact opposite and called me a "fucking faggot" so i really don't know how i am going to deal with forgiving them for making me feel so alienated and so angry at myself. I don't think i ever will.
     
  6. joeyconnick

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    I actually wanted to disagree a bit here. Not that you should be getting purple hair just to freak out your mother but you shouldn't be squashing your self-expression just because you feel like you need to show her that you're a "normal" person. Because first off, by mainstream "normal" standards, you're not because you're gay. Overcompensating in other areas is not going to change that fact. In fact, the whole notion that you should have to is insulting. You might want to be sensitive that you've just made a major revelation but it's not on you to in all other ways be the perfect son.

    I have a real issue with people living their lives for their parents. I don't know how well I'd be able to hold to this ideal if I were a parent but honestly, ultimately it is YOUR life, not your parents'. Ostensibly we're supposed to take responsibility for our actions and I don't think we can fully do that unless they are OUR actions. I think all sorts of nasty psychological issues arise when people try too hard to conform to other people's expectations of who they should be (e.g. peer pressure, societal pressure to be straight, etc.) and that includes those peoplel in the world who often have the largest and strongest expectations for our lives, which are our parents. I think people should be figuring out what works for THEM, not what their parents can handle. In a perfect world, what works for us would not cause a lot of anxiety for them but hey, we don't live in a perfect world.

    But coming out is a huge deal to a lot of people and is definitely the kind of time where acts "typical of rebellion" naturally follow and I think it's too much of a guilt trip to expect the newly out to otherwise have to be the perfect sons and daughters their parents might desire.