Hello Everyone, this is my first post on EC. I am writing a letter to my folks trying to get a feel for coming out them, and share a few truths in my life. I don't want to be a fake to them anymore. So Empty Closets Community, what should be said here? Do you think a letter would work or should I suck it up and tell them personally? I currently live 16 hours away from them, so to tell them personally will either be over the phone, via the Internet, via a Letter, or have to wait till later in the year. So my first question is, what is the best way to do this? I don't want to seem like a coward, but in reality I really am scared and I fear the possible rejection. I do not know what kind of person I would be if my parents outright disowned me. I am currently talking to someone I love very much, who has been very supportive and allowed me to answer some of my own internalized questions. That has helped this courage surface. How much information is to much? I want to show my parents that I can be happy with my lifestyle choices. I want to show them that I can be responsible at the same time. What information should I share? How much detail? I don't believe I am ready to discuss items such as my sex life. I really want to focus on the present and the future. I know my dad wants grand kid(s) and I am the only child so the family name rests on my shoulders. How should I address that? Finally, after the parents are told whats the best way to tell my extended family? So really, whats the best way to go about all of this? I am really unsure what my next step will be and I value opinion. Thanks! Jason
Hi Jason! Welcome to EC! First off, congratulations on your coming out journey thus far. I think it really comes down to what you feel most comfortable with. A lot of people come out in person or you have a combination of a letter and then talking about it afterward. Some have sent a letter and than called or waited for their parents or family members to call. It sounds like however, that you are leaning towards writing a letter. But maybe give it some thought to whether you would prefer coming out to them in person or if you want to give them a call. Given that you are living further away, I think writing a letter to your parents is a good idea, if you would like to come out to them sooner rather than later. A few members have shared their coming out letters. Here is link to them in the Resource sections. http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php Also, have a browse through the Support forum. You will also find examples in there that members have shared recently. Your letter should reflect what you want them to know about you. There is no set length for a letter. If it takes you 2 or 3 pages to write everything out, that's okay. I think focusing on the present and the future are good starting points. I wouldn't include anything about your sex-life in there. However, what I would include why you are coming out to them at this stage in your life, maybe say a few things about what the coming out process has been like so far, let them know that you will still be the same person. When you write the letter, try to keep a positive tone throughout it. In some ways you are addressing your parents' dreams and certain expectations. For example, when you address your dad's desire for grand kids, you can mention that adoption is an option and that your parents or dad will still have grand kids. Try to address their dreams that they still have for you by mentioning that these dreams can still be fulfilled. I would suggest that you take it step by step. I wouldn't worry about coming out to the extended family, at this point. It could really just add to your nervousness and add even more stress, which I am sure is already a stressful situation. I hope this helps a bit!
Hey Jason, welcome to EC. In short, there is no 'best' way. Every person has a different situation, different comfort level, different relationship with the people they want to come out to. You'll find many people here at EC that have come out via letter, with others wanting to do it in person. Letter seems to be the preferred method when distance plays a part, or when you really want to get a lot of information out into the open without tripping over words. What I would suggest is to look around the site, and check out the letter archive that was mentioned above. Actually two recent threads had some long, thoughtful letters--check these out: http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31245 http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31233 Good luck and hope to see you posting more!
Hi Jason. Welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto. I told my parents in person, but I see them all the time. I would agree that the tone of the note should be positive. And what I mean is don't write it assuming that your parents are going to be horrified and disgusted with this news. If you do that, you likely won't be able to help being a little defensive in your note. And the fact is, you don't have anything to be defensive about... You're gay, and there's nothing wrong with that. Tell then how much better you feel now that you've accepted this fact yourself. Tell them about your partner. Tell them how much more comfortable you are in your own skin now that you've recognized and accepted that you were gay. I suppose you could share with them some of your fears about being gay, and what you've done to overcome them, or why you now know that the fear was unreasonable or unfounded. But I wouldn't go into how you're ruining their dreams of having grand children. Who knows what your future holds. But the fact of the matter is, this is about you, not them. You aren't responsible for their happiness - they are. There's no need for you to apologize for anything, because you've done nothing that you need to apologize for. Let them know that you look forward to seeing them again soon, and that you'll definitely be calling them to talk about this letter after they've received it. What many of us have found is that we needed to start the conversation the first few times. You can't necessarily count on your parents bringing this topic up - you'll have to do that. Good luck. I'm glad you found this site. I hope you find it very helpful. I know I did.
Good luck. I had a bad experience with the coming out letter so I wouldn't recommend it, but it could of just been how my mother is...
i always say honest is the best response, be upfront and tell them how you feel and it would be better to do in person, it shows that you care about their feelings on the topic and that you have taken the time to show your feelings and truths to them. as for the details you want to go into, that is up to you and you should only tell what you feel comfortable with, and if they ask questions and your not comfortable answering them, tell them that, tell them as your comfort level rises you may be able to answer more questions, they most likely will ask how long have you known, what made you this way, was it our fault, ect. just make sure you let them know it was not their fault and that you are the same person you have always been and will continue to be that person, just with a man instead of a woman. and congrats on finding that person you love and can confide in, they are hard to come by these days.... good luck and i wish you the best... hope i helped (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Hey Jason! I've just got done coming out to my parents - I wrote my mom a letter, and I told my dad and step mom in person. In coming out to other people - I came out to my sister over the phone, to my friends in letters, and to my brothers at school in person. They all have their pros and cons, but it's up to you which one you choose. I personally favor the letter because it lets you get all your emotions, feelings, and thoughts into a neat package that you can be proud of when you give it to them. Whenever I've done the in person gambit - I've always choked up, accidentally left something out, or didn't make myself clear enough. Plus, I think that when you write a letter, you give the people a better chance to respond - with all their thoughts collected. As for what to say - it really depends on what you want them to know. Do you want them to know about difficulties you had growing up? about your confusion? about your more recent life? about the person you're with? about how you're happier now? If the answer is yes, go for it. If there's anything you feel like telling them, tell them. In my letter to my mom I covered her expectations of me, the internal conflict I've gone through, my coming out process, and why I chose to tell her. Aside from that, a lot of information can still be shared in the conversation that ensues after coming out. Unless you don't want to have kids - they're not out of your future yet. I fully plan to bunker down and start a family when I'm older. Being gay doesn't mean that you have to give up having children - or having children of your bloodline. Surrogacy can be an option. As for the extended family - I just asked my mom to tell them for me. She's pretty good at breaking things to people, and I would have no idea how to tell them otherwise
Welcome to EC! It's hard to give blanket advice, as all conditions are different. Given that you're 26 and gay (not bi), I'm going to go out on a limb and say this revelation won't be quite the shock you might think it is. Not because I think you "act gay" or anything, but parents do notice if their son doesn't have much in the way of girlfriends for the last decade or so. So unless you've kept up a facade with understanding female friends, they might have started wondering already. A letter is fine since you live so far apart. You might want to check some of the coming out letters we have posted here on EC, and see what parts you might want to include. Given your lack of proximity, you might want to add a part at the end. "Please call me once you've read this letter, so we can talk about this further if you'd like." Make it very clear that you ARE open to talk about this. Not about whether or not you're gay, of course, but what it all means, and what happens next. As far as what to include, just explain that yes, you're gay. Yes, you're sure. No, you didn't just think of this yesterday - you've had suspicions every since you were (age), and you've been quite sure for the last (number) of years, and the only reason you haven't told them earlier is that you were worried how they might take it. You don't have to go into any more detail than that. As far as grandkids etc, well, that's up to you. If you've really thought about having kids - as in "It's definitely something I want to do" - then you can mention it, but it's a bit cart-before-the-horse. I'd stick with the "I'm gay, I love you, I'm still your son" bit. Lex
Thanks for the advice everyone. I think what I may do is talk to my aunt first. She is closer, within a 3 hour drive. I hope she is understanding.
You've got some great advice already and I don't have much to add. But one line in your message did sort of jump out at me, and that's the comment about "being happy with your lifestyle choices." I would discourage you from thinking about or describing being gay as a "lifestyle choice" because, of course, it isn't a choice, and particularly in the coming out process, that phrase can be used by a parent to try to stick a wedge to keep the "straight" door open just a crack. If you think and communicate about it as your identity instead of your lifestyle, then it is more final and permanent, and people do (if only unconsciously) pick up on those sort of nuances. There's no need to talk about your sex life, how the plumbing works, or anything like that. Most likely they won't ask, but if they do, you can just gently say that, in the same way they probably wouldn't be comfortable talking about theirs with you, you'd rather not share with them. If the concern about HIV comes up, just remind them that HIV is actually spreading faster among heterosexuals than among gays at the moment, and that, in any case, you intend to be careful and safe. Best of luck, and please keep us informed of what happens!
There has been some great advice so far. I came out to my mom on the phone (even though I was only 1 1/2 hours away). It was NOT as big a deal as I thought it would be. To help your parents when you come out to them, give them a copy of "For The Bible Tells Me So". It's particularly effective if they are religious, but it will give them examples of how several different sets of parents handled their children coming out. Some of them are very well known too (Bishop Gene Robinson's parents, the Reitans, the Gephardts). As far as your father wanting grand-kids...Adoption! It's only a matter of time before we will be legally allowed to marry, and already, it is possible for gay couples to raise children. As far as carrying on the family name...maybe he doesn't care that much? If it comes down to that or your happiness, he probably cares more about your happiness. You can also have your own biological children using a surrogate. So, don't let minor details bring you down.
I know this is an old post. But I felt the urge to revisit it. I ended up writing my parents a letter. I mailed it to them and they either have it or will be getting it really soon. I am optimistically nervous about this whole thing. I just could not empower myself to actually say it. I have accepted who I am once and for all. For the sanctity of myself, and my boyfriend (and my best friend) who I love dearly I wanted to get this out of the way. I hope that with this news, of me coming out and my parents finding out who they thought was a friend is really my boyfriend that they will accept me and him. I would love nothing more than to have my boyfriend become apart of my families thoughts and activities. This feels good. Much progress has been made.
Good luck, and be prepared for it being very awkward and embarrassing over the next few days - that's what's happened to me.
Hopefully you get good news when they read it - let us know what happens though, it is always interesting to see how things ended up working out.
