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Friends Secretly Dating

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lazybum098, Jan 14, 2010.

  1. Lazybum098

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    So I'm having a serious problem. I have two guy friends that I consider to be my good friends. We hang out often and I really love to be with them. For a while now I've suspected that they are dating each other even though they both say their straight or well at least allow me to believe they're straight. After a while I started to think maybe I was crazy and it was all in my head. Then something happened, which I can't say what, but I found out for sure that they are together. Even though I had suspected it for a long time, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I was even surprised at how upset I was. It's a really complicated situation so let me explain.

    You see, I've asked them both several times if they are together. Neither of them say anything. I'm sure to them they're thinking let's neither confirm nor deny. I did the same thing when I was in the closet. I refused to say no, but I wouldn't say yes either. They want to keep it a secret, that's obvious, but they know I know and now they're just pretending. I've had a crush on one of them for a while now and unfortunately both of them know it. I think perhaps one of the reasons they haven't been honest with me is because they think I will be jealous.

    It just upsets me that two of my really good friends would keep this a secret from me. I'm the most open person in the world. I am so out of the closet it's not funny. I talk about being gay all the time. If anyone would understand it's me. I also feel humiliated that they would let me go on and on about having a crush on one of them. I never would have confessed my feelings if I had known they were together. Now I just feel like an idiot and it makes me feel extremely vulnerable.

    I don't know what to do though. I know they're together. They know I know they're together because I've asked them so many times. They're just pretending like I don't know. I can't pretend like I don't know. I just want them to be honest with me. I would never force anyone out of the closet but they can't act like I'm a blind idiot. It's so obvious. I just don't know what to do.
     
  2. Lexington

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    You've asked them if they're together.
    They've said no.
    This means one of two things - either they're not together, or they don't want anybody to know they're together. You say you have irrefutable evidence that they're together. In which case, it's option B. They don't want anybody to know that they're together.

    And that makes sense, if they're both "straight". They apparently want to maintain the straight facade, and keep their physical relationship on the downlow. Their physical relationship is something they don't want to share with anybody. Not with the world, and not with you. About all you can do is respect that. They're not required to be honest about it, or talk about it. So let them be.

    Lex
     
  3. olides84

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    I tend to agree with Lex. But if it's giving you such heartache, I'll add that maybe you should put some distance between these two and yourself. If they want to know why, then you can explain to them what you've told us.
     
  4. Lazybum098

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    They have never said no when I ask. They don't say anything.

    Of course they don't have to be honest about it or talk about it but in the mean time everyone else in their lives is figuring it out. They need to wake up quickly because soon everyone is going to know and they won't have any control over it. They don't have to worry with me because I would never say anything, but I know they're other friends and family members know too and they will be much more upfront than me. I hate to say this, but if they didn't want anyone to know they should learn how to act better. And if they didn't want me to ask they should not deliberately drop hints.
     
  5. Lazybum098

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    I already have put distance between us. I just found out about this all about a week ago so it hasn't been too long. Neither of them is stupid and I know they know the reason for the distance.
     
  6. Camman3

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    Well... there's always plan B: If you have a good enough relationship with them, you can be very candid and in-their-face.

    Do something, like when you're all 3 together, ask "So, how's the sex?" and see if they respond with an appropriate answer (they accept that you know and acknowledge it) or they could become really offended (not good, obv.) or they could continue to feign innocence.

    If they try cover it up again, you could get really mad to show them that, as their friend, you hate that they kept this from you.

    This is a really extreme option though.... In rare cases I find it necessary to execute this technique, but I wouldn't recommend it 99% of the time.

    Good luck with all this (*hug*)
     
  7. s5m1

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    It is their business. If they do not want to tell you, as they seem to have made clear, then just leave it alone. You may not agree with their decision, but it is theirs to make.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    If you really KNOW that they're together (which I assume means you've somehow seen them having sex - which is a little creepy...) and you are really hurt, then tell them what you've told us:

    They should know how you feel. And if they continue to keep up this charade, then they'll definitely know why you're not spending time with them.
     
  9. iLambedil

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    If they are your true friends, just put it out in the open. If you are 100% sure they are together. Tell them you know they are and that they made you feel like an idiot by not expressing their disinterest in you when you made it aware to them that you were interested in them. Tell them you are ok with them being gay and being together but that you were hurt by them not being up front with you about the whole crush thing. Then put distance between yourself and them and if they are your true friends they will come to you and apologize!