So first of all I'd like to thank all the wonderful people on this forum for your tireless help and great advice. You guys may save me yet! I need some advice regarding my relationship with my parents, specifically my mother. I'm not out to my parents at all yet, although I am out to my sister (who's nothing like them!). I should also add that I don't live at home (I'm much older than that!), so I'm not dependent on them. My parents are very religious Catholics. I think my dad is a bit of a hypocrite who's in it more for the social status than for his own salvation. But my mother is a zealot who takes her Catholic dogma to the letter and does everything the pope, the local bishop and her priest say. She's led the churches "prayer group" thing with people rolling around on the floor screaming hysterically and "speaking in tongues" and she supports radical groups like the Promise Keepers. She's tried to get me involved a few times and I totally freaked at what I saw. She is the very definition of a religious homophobe. She speaks her mind freely about "those gays" and regularly says they are the devil's children. She thinks homosexuality is unnatural and "against God's will", and that all gays are headed straight to hell with no questions asked. She buys into the idea that God punishes the earth with natural disasters because of gay people. She also says that marriage is for the sole purpose of producing more Catholics, and that gay marriage is a sign that Armageddon is coming when all homosexuals will face judgment. It gets worse. She has regularly told her children that her measure as a mother is directly related to how strictly her children embrace the Catholic doctrine and follow the rules. She has told us that when she dies, it's how good of Catholics we are that will determine whether she goes to heaven or to hell. This isn't just guilt (which it is), she actually believes this to a word. I've already been through all kinds of angst with her about my abandoning the Catholic faith (is there any wonder) so I'm already the black sheep. But she believes there is still hope for "my salvation", and so she maintains some sham of a relationship with me in the hope that I can still be saved (she says "You can always change your ways and come back to the Church" every time I visit). But if she found out I was gay, that would destroy her. I think she fears and hates gays more than anything on earth. She also expects me to produce lots of Catholic grandkids because apparently that's my only purpose on this earth. I'm torn. I feel like my only two choices are to perpetuate the lie and keep this sham of a relationship going, although living this lie is slowly destroying me inside. Or I could be true to myself and come out to them, but risk being totally rejected and never having any kind of relationship with them ever again, or being told I am the end of her life on earth and her ticket to the afterlife. I've endured so much guilt at her hands that I would probably accept that I was the reason for ending her life. Either way I don't see much hope for a positive outcome. I don't want to lose my parents, but I feel like I can't be untrue to myself any longer. Living this lie is really, really eating away at me and I'm afraid there will be nothing left inside if I don't put an end to this self-humiliation. Am I forced to choose between the lesser of two evils or is there another way? Thanks for putting up with this long story, and thanks for any advice you can offer me!
More like pink sheep :icon_wink hehe.. im just joking. But still if its giving you this much stress it would just be the best choice to tell them and get it over with since you don't rely on them anymore.. It seems just from reading that story that they are only in this for themselves and care for nobody but themselves. If your mother is really that involved with the church then she should know that the bible teaches to love rather than to hate. People just interpret religious documents to fit their own needs rather than actually paying attention to what it says. She really has no grounds on which to put you down. (*hug*)
Hi, James, and welcome to EC! It's great that you're reaching out for input with this difficult situation, and I think you'll get a lot of good comments and suggestions from others that have been in your position. I can tell you from personal experience, I have a friend whose mother was very similar to yours; extremely religious, and placed a lot of value on her parenting on how her kids turned out and their religious beliefs. In his case, he told his dad, but waited almost a year before telling his mom. He was in a relationship, and his mom met his boyfriend once or twice (introduced as a "housemate") so she had some time to think and wonder and come to terms, and by the time he actually came out to her, I guess she'd had time to process and accept it, because it wasn't a big deal. In situations like yours, I highly recommend the movie "Prayers for Bobby" (available on itunes). It is the true story of a mother whose son committed suicide because the mother simply could not accept him being gay. The film portrays her struggle with her spirituality and her ultimate understanding that God created gay people the way they are, and that they are perfect, do not need to change, and have nothing wrong with them. Ultimately the decision as to whether to come out to her is one you'll have to balance the pros and cons of; depending on how old she is, and how willing to explore her own feelings and faith, she may be able to come around to a place where she can understand and accept and embrace your "gayness", or it might be a challenge for her. Some would argue that you need to live your own life and do what's right for you, but I would be a little more circumspect and suggest that taking your time with it and thinking and contemplating what to do might be a wise idea. I think either decision could be a good one. What you may find is that when you get into a relationship is the point at which you feel the need to come out; maintaining the deception that you're single and "haven't found the right person" is one thing, but maintaining that when you are in a relationship (not to mention how disrespectful it is to your partner) is another. I hope the above is helpful.
I used to hold very similar attitudes to your mother (or as much as I could not being a young guy) except that I was Protestant. I was very much a homophobe (which sucks when you're gay yourself) but when I met and was forced to interact with a gay person for the first time my views changed almost instantly. I guess you could hope for the same with your mother. It might be likely that to her gay people are distant and far removed from her life and she may see them as this abstract group trying to bring down the Church and wear speedos in the street. If she is presented with the fact that her son is gay, this may make things very real for her and while it may take her a while she might actually be forced to think about the effects of her beliefs and the things she says. This may cause her to change.
Some great advice was given... Have you watched "Prayers for Bobby"? It's a video and you might be able to identify well with it. It's on youtube in 9 parts. Search Prayers for Bobby part 1. It's pretty sad but you might be able to identify. (*hug*) Hang in there. You're an awesome person as is. Unfortunately many people have close minded views.
Thanks for all the help, everyone. Sometimes it's just good to know that others care, even when the situation doesn't lend itself to easy answers. I find this issue with my parents to be doubly hard. I grew up in a family that did not give unconditional love. My father is one of those who tried to live his unfulfilled dreams through his children and nothing was ever good enough for him. I don't think I've ever received a word of praise from him for anything I've ever done in my life (and I'm pretty darn sure he won't be praising me for coming out!). And my mother has always doled out her love according to how well her children lived up to her religious standards. She's always thought that it's OK to use her love as an insurance policy for her afterlife under the guise of "saving" her children. I actually feel a little sorry for her; I think she might have some mental illness that's causing her to take this perverted view of religion. Then I "turn out" to be gay, and it's the icing on the cake. It's hard enough for me to deal with myself, but I don't think I can look to my parents for support. In fact I think they would try to hurt me (emotionally) to serve their own ends. I almost think she suspects that I'm gay, but her denial of the real world can be so strong that she could actually create a reality for herself that ignores the obvious. She keeps asking me when I'm going to "settle down" (like I've been somekind of playboy with the girls or something!), when I haven't had a girlfriend for eons. I don't think she's stupid, but I do think she's in serious denial. I appreciate the advice about "Prayers For Bobby". I'll check it out, although it sounds like a difficult movie to watch.
You are in a very tough situation, for sure! I would also highly recommend Prayers for Bobby and also For The Bible Tells Me So. You might find some good information here: http://www.dignityusa.org/ It's a group for gay Catholics. Maybe some people there would have some good advice for you. They would know where your mother is coming from anyway and probably most grew up Catholic. Good luck!
You could look for some PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, I think) materials as well as Prayers for Bobby. Here. I'm not too familiar with their resources so I'm not sure if that's exactly what i was looking for, but I believe they have some pamphlets and such to give to your parents when you come out to them. One bit of advice I have is not to attack your parents if you do tell them. I'm not saying you would do this, but I know it's something I would be sorely tempted to do (By the way, (*hug*) for dealing with that kind of environment). I'm not saying you should lie and say something you don't believe, like telling them you've enjoyed or felt accepted with them, but don't make it about the way they've treated you, make it about the future. Again, I'm not assuming you would do this because I don't know you, but I'm throwing it out there. I agree with Chip on this one. It certainly won't be an easy one, but there are pros and cons to both sides. Since you know yourself and your parents best, it's ultimately up to you to weigh them. But we're here on EC if you ever want some help.
Without trying to sound mean, your mom reminds me of a slightly toned down version of Shirley Phelps-Roper with the whole God causes disasters because of the homos....I hope everything works out...
