NOTE: I'm still a little drunk from tonight, so any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes will have to be excused. Also, I have a feeling this may become incoherent rather quickly so I apologize in advance. Straight women with boyfriends. That is the topic at hand. I'm not looking for advice per say, I just need a little rant-time. Tonight was my friend's twentieth birthday party. We had a little pre-drink at her house and I was consuming a little too much wine. The last girl to arrive (we'll call her X) seemed to be into me, but I brushed it off as my drunken imagination. The birthday girl then directed us towards a local club since she felt like dancing. I like to call it Cafe Creepy since men always sneak up behind you to try and grind. I wasn't really looking to hook up tonight; I'm not a clubbing person and I knew I was going to leave early. Anyways, so we were dancing along and I noticed that I was making an inordinate amount of eye contact with X. She was smiling and really moving quite close to me. Of course, a thousand and three thoughts begin to race through my head. Is she into girls? Should I ask our mutual friend? Instead of going through the 'hassle' of asking about her orientation, I figured I would just ask her dance. She agreed and I figured that meant she was into me. We had been dancing for several songs when I ended up making a fool of myself. In my stupor, I accidentally pecked her on the cheek (read: kissed) and realizing what I had done, I apologized profusely for how inappropriate it was. And that's where she said, 'No no. It's alright. But I'm straight and I have a boyfriend.' I was shocked. I mean, here was a girl who had been grinding with me for quite awhile, who was smiling and laughing at my jokes, telling me she was taken AND straight. I read all the signs right. She said I was cute and funny. And still, I feel like I missed some blaring obvious sign that she was straight. Of course, I made more a fool of myself later on when I offered her my number and she strictly said she wanted to be friends (even though at this point, I was just hoping to be her rebound if she ever broke up with this guy). So my questions are as follows: How do you feel about someone who is in a relationship heavily flirting with another person? Do you think it's leading someone on if you aren't upfront about your status right away? How do you feel about women who pretend to show interest in other women? Do you ever have this situation arising in male circles? Essentially, I'm bummed out. My gaydar is broken, but I can still sense attraction. Le sigh.
Unfortunately society has conditioned things where women can dance seductively with other women and have it just be a friend thing. It's also alright to comment on another woman's appearance and have it be innocent. This type of thing I've heard happen to several gay/bisexual women I know and leads to many a facepalm. On to your questions. Flirting while in a relationship I don't think is all that bad as long as it's innocent. I mean, obviously if she was like fondling you while whispering stuff she would like to do with you in bed while she's with someone would be inappropriate but it seems she was being rather lighthearted and nice. I don't think it's leading on per se if you aren't upfront about your relationship status. I mean misreading signals can happen to anyone and I don't think she was necessarily leading you on because her signals weren't quite clear. Women who pretend to show interest in other women are hurtful I think because it reinforces the stereotype that it's cool and risqué, but only as long as you go back to men once you're ready to be serious and settle down. I don't think this situation has arisen in male circles that I've been around, but mostly because society heavily frowns on two men exhibiting that kind of behavior, whereas it's allowed for women.
Ehhh... I probably would have read the signs in the same way. Did you know X well before last night? Especially if you had just met, I would have assumed she was flirting. That being said, I figured out I was gay in seventh grade, right after puberty had hit and all of us (girls included) were all like, "Oh! Stuff is... happening down there. This is exciting!" You know. That was also the year of Bar mitzvahs of the many jewish kids at our school. And with our new introduction to being 'sexually awakened', we did a lot of grinding. The first time was before I realized I was gay, and we had a grind line of probably six or seven girls (plus a gay guy). But that was two years ago, and it's a little different now. Since I'm out, most of them won't grind with me, but they'll grind with other girls just fine. Were you out to X? I don't know, I feel like there's a point somewhere in my mind but I can't quite figure out what it is.
I know how you feel. One of my good friends has done things like that. One day he even said he's a little bi. A couple months later, I ask him if it's true and he said "Naw, I just say really stupid shit when I'm high."
This girl may have been into you. The problem is she has a boyfriend and is already established as straight. I have a friend who was in her situation. She has a boyfriend she really loves and identifies as straight, but she met a girl at a gay club (she goes to an all girls school, so they go frequently) and she really liked this girl. In the end though, she knew she couldnt be with that girl AND her boyfriend so she decided to stay with her boyfriend who she had been dating for years. So this girl might be into you, but she has to respect the relationship she has with her boyfriend. I'd say accept the friendship and have fun being friends, if anything happens between her and her boyfriend, make another move.
>>How do you feel about women who pretend to show interest in other women? On the other side of the spectrum from Tswyter's interpretation, There's always the chance of X messing with signals for you because truth be told, it's human nature to be liked. A little eye contact, laughing at jokes with a new friend, especially if you know them to like your gender, would probably give them all the signals that you received in your situation. I've known straight girls (not homophobic of course) messing with bi/lesbians' signals just because they like to know that yeah, someone's crushing on me because when it comes down to it, it's flattering and it's not like you committed to doing something with them by flirting. >>How do you feel about someone who is in a relationship heavily flirting with another person? My personal policy is currently, I'm in a relationship, but I do have eyes. Heavily flirting, ie. whispering dirtily as said above, is a no-no, but I'm fine with laughing at their jokes etc. >>Do you think it's leading someone on if you aren't upfront about your status right away? I have mixed feelings about this. I am not completely out, so sometimes I'm not comfortable with sharing my relationship status. But if it's with someone I know who is not homophobic, I would set things straight (cough) if I think they're getting the wrong idea.
