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Parents and Roommates!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zzzero, Jan 18, 2010.

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  1. zzzero

    zzzero
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    Ok, so every time I go home I really want to come out to my parents but then I get there and I spend some time with them and I run back into the closet and avoid saying anything, mainly because they end up talking about my future wife and kids or how my brother has a girlfriend who is amazing and I dont. And I have this big problem where I avoid anything that might be really awkward for me. I cant even control it, I just automatically avoid awkward situations because I hate that feeling.

    Anyways, I'm going home again today to vote and I'd like to be able to tell them then, but I need some encouragement I think. I have a letter all hand written that I was going to leave in my mom's bag so she'd open it at work, but I chickened out last minute last time I was home. It seems easier if I give a letter so I dont have to be there. But I keep going back and forth on if I want to be there or not. I came out to the majority of my friends, save a few, via letters or facebook chat. The first letter I sent to like 5 people, most of them I still go through this hiding myself thing even though they know now, and I worry that it's because I never said anything about it in person so it still seems weird or something. So help me out, what should I do? I AM ready to come out now, just making excuses as to why I cant tell them and then confusing myself on what i should do.

    Also, I need to come out to my room mate soon. He and I are most likely moving out of my current apartment next year and finding a new place with other people, and I want to make sure he's okay with me being gay before then because I will deffinately be coming out at some point if I didnt do it now.
     
    #1 zzzero, Jan 18, 2010
  2. Lexington

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    The tough part is you know what you need to do. You just lack the confidence to do it. As long as you give yourself the option of backing out of it - of not saying anything, of not handing the letter over - you give yourself an out...which naturally you keep taking. It's going to simply have to come down to you drawing a line in the sand, and saying "I HAVE to do this. Not doing it is NOT an option anymore."

    You might try handing the letter over in person, and asking your parents to read it right then and there. It'll be nervewracking, but at least you'll know you'll be there to answer questions.

    Lex
     
    #2 Lexington, Jan 18, 2010
  3. paco

    paco Guest

    sure you can. it's all willpower. the only reason you can't is because you convince yourself that you can't. it's a very easy mistake to make. so just know you're stronger than your inhibitions.
     
    #3 paco, Jan 18, 2010
  4. Holmes

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    You're going home to vote, which means politics is in the air. All sorts of interesting things happening, you could start the conversation with the Senate election, then make sure you move things on to Perry v. Schwarzenegger. Talk about about how Bush's old solicitor-general is standing up for gay people, how things are changing. Then, once the conversation gets comfortable, you could mention it. That way you've eased yourself into talking with them about the general situation. Just a suggestion.

    Of course, this would work well only in situations where you'd expect them to be at least somewhat favourable in the abstract.
     
    #4 Holmes, Jan 18, 2010
  5. zzzero

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    Ok, an update on the situation. I dont think i'll be able to come out while i'm home... my mom just told me that their friend is staying over tonight (which is retarded... he doesnt even live in MA) So, I dont want to put him in that situation. Perhaps if he leaves early on tuesday I could do it though.
     
    #5 zzzero, Jan 18, 2010
  6. Lexington

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    As my mother would say "Is this a reason, or an excuse?" :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #6 Lexington, Jan 18, 2010
  7. Johnnieguy

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    Looks like people have the parents down pretty well.

    As far as the roommates go, chances are they already know. I thought I did a REALLY good job hiding my sexuality from them, but when I came out to them after we were through living together (post-graduation), they all already knew. First year roommate: thought I was gay because I always hung out with the same guy (who he thought and I wish was gay), so he just connected the dots... Second/third year roommate..Pretty sure he knows, how can he not? I never told him anything, but he walked in one day when I was on gay.com....Fourth year roommates. They all suspected it the whole time. They just thought it wasn't any of their business, and they did NOT care, so they weren't going to approach me and make it be a big deal.

    Hope that stirs up some inspiration to tell them.

    Edit: The 2nd/3rd year roommate was the same guy that I was always hanging out with freshman year.
     
    #7 Johnnieguy, Jan 18, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  8. zzzero

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    Yeah I'm fairly certain my room mates know but wont say anything because I already told them last year that i'm straight and they dont want to make me mad or something. though I wish they would ask.
    The other day my friend Tarah (my room mate's girlfriend who's staying with us for a month) was on Xbox live(because she's cool and playing borderlands right now even though she's totally not a gamer) and she was talking to some guy i was playing with earlier in the day and he asked if I was gay and she said no, i'm not, and he said that my voice just sounded kinda gay and he wasnt sure. when he said that she just was like "yeah...." pretty much saying that my voice does sound gay. Which I havent heard before but it really made me think. It's just hard to say to them.

    And lex, I think it's a reason. Think, if you were at someone's house and something this personal happened. If you ask me it makes for a pretty awkward situation for the other person. I can see it being an excuse, but honestly it seems like one of those personal family moments. I doubt my parents would want their friend to see them get upset if they DO get upset.
     
    #8 zzzero, Jan 18, 2010
  9. Zumbro

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    If you aren't able to do it at home, then send the letter when you get back. I was going to tell my parents over break, and chickened out, but I wrote a letter. Took a bit to send it, but once it was addressed and sealed, It took 2 minutes to buy postage and leave it at the post office. Nothing I can do about it now but wait. No chance to chicken out, or take the letter back.
     
    #9 Zumbro, Jan 18, 2010
  10. zzzero

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    Zumbro, I have a letter written and I have had it ready for a few months now. I wrote it and chickened out once already, but I did bring the letter home with me just incase I decided to leave it!
     
    #10 zzzero, Jan 18, 2010
  11. Mirko

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    It sounds like you are making it a lot harder then it needs to be. Sometimes, you just need to grab the bull at its horns and just do it! :slight_smile:

    It sounds like that you are ready! You have a letter written for them. And even if the friend is staying over for the night, the chances are that the friend is going to find out sooner or later anyways. Would it not be better if that friend learns it from you than from someone else?

    Ask yourself the following and answer the questions truthfully and listen to yourself while you do this:

    - I have worked hard to get to this point. How bad can it be?
    - If I do come out to my parents, what are the chances that they won't react positively?
    - If I don't come out to them before I leave again, how will I feel about it, knowing that I had an opportunity to come out to them
     
    #11 Mirko, Jan 18, 2010
  12. zzzero

    zzzero
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    Another update, I have to come home this weekend for a dentist appointment anyways. Might as well do it then when they wont have anyone over. Or I may just actually leave the letter, i'll let you know what my choice is.
     
    #12 zzzero, Jan 18, 2010
  13. Becky1234

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    Good luck Tswyter. I know this must be a scary time for you. I have a feeling you will feel so relieved when you have said what you need to say. :slight_smile:
     
    #13 Becky1234, Jan 18, 2010
  14. Sicsemper79

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    I have been following this bud. Be strong. You can do it. It's scary but when the time comes, there is no choice but to move forward. You can do it!
     
    #14 Sicsemper79, Jan 18, 2010
  15. Sylver

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    I would feel a little hypocritical telling you to suck it up and just tell your parents, because I haven't told mine yet, and I'm not sure if I ever will. I can say this from experience, if you've made up your mind that this is the right thing for you to do, prepare in advance for the "edge of the cliff". It's that very last moment right before you tell them, right when you're sitting across from them and your mouth is forming the words, or you're in the house with the letter in hand and you're walking towards them. The resistance in your willpower will be strongest at this very moment. If you can push yourself across that invisible barrier, then it's a done deal. I'm telling you this so you can prepare in advance. If in your quieter moments of reason you know this is what you're going to do, then make a commitment to yourself that you'll charge headlong through that final wall when the time comes, and you won't listen to what would seem to be the "better judgment" in your conscience asking you at the last moment if this is really what you want to do.

    Good luck!
     
    #15 Sylver, Jan 18, 2010
  16. zzzero

    zzzero
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    That was pretty inspiring James lol.
    I'm also taking the train back into the city with my mom tomorrow very early in the morning, maybe that will provide a good time...
     
    #16 zzzero, Jan 18, 2010
  17. Mirko

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    Good luck! Sometimes, opportunities will present themselves. Sometimes it is really just taking a deep breath and starting the conversation. Yes, it is not easy, and it can be nerve-wracking but you know why you want to come out to your parents. If you want, you can take the letter with you and give it to your mum to read first and talk with her about it.
     
    #17 Mirko, Jan 18, 2010
  18. EM68

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    When I came out to my parents I gave it to them and let them read it with me in the room. I knew I could not say it to them so they read it. One thing I found is that there will be no perfect time to come out. Life will always come in the way. I just bit the bullet and did it. It worked it real well and its coming to the year anniversary next month.
     
    #18 EM68, Jan 18, 2010
  19. x2x2x2x2y2

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    Good luck!! You can do it. You just gotta push urself to do it.
     
    #19 x2x2x2x2y2, Jan 18, 2010
  20. zzzero

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    God am I kicking myself right now. My nerves got the best of me. I swear I need something to calm myself next time. I gave up the absolute PERFECT opportunity today on the train with my mom. I couldnt have asked for a better time but I backed down again.
    We were on the train and waiting for it to start up and she started talking about her friend laura who works for her. Laura is gay, her partner and her are having a baby!(So happy for them) and her partner is pregnant. However they are not married (but they live in Massachusetts) and my mom worries that since they arent married, if anything happened to laura's partner or if laura and her broke up or something that laura would be in for a world of hurt because that child would legally be her partners and not hers. Her partner is also a high school teacher, so my mother, being the older woman, started talking about how back when she was teaching highschool (before i was born) it was unheard of for a teacher to be gay, or a techer to be pregnant at all let alone un-wed. So we talked about what's so hard about being gay and I was telling her how the world has changed a lot since then and that sort of thing isnt really a big deal. I see her concern about Laura though. They could be married, but they aren't. If they were married they could both have custody of the child legally, so if anything did happen, the child would be out of Laura's life most likely. Which would be awful.
    But in all this discussion I didnt bring up that I was gay. I kept thinking of stupid excuses as to why it was a bad time. Like I didnt want this personal discussion to be heard by everyone on the train, and I didnt want my mom to feel embarassed if she cried or something. I just got way too nervous and I could feel the words in my head putting themselves together but I just couldnt do it because I knew I didnt have to.

    Luckily I have to go home on saturday for a dentist's appointment so I'd like to do it then.
     
    #20 zzzero, Jan 19, 2010
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