I am 38 and new to EC. Hi I have been married twice, unsuccessfully, but have two beautiful little girls, 3 and 7, whom I adore. I have been with the same woman for over a year now. She is much younger than me (23) but in many ways is more reasonable and mature than I am. She is in the midst of coming out and is doing great. Her family are accepting of her, and me, and overall she is making great strides for herself. My difficulty with the coming out process is that no one has ever thought I could be gay. I was always with guys, although I always got into relationships in which perhaps I was never truly happy, was taken advantage of, etc. There are many things about my personality that fit with being more androgenous, although I know that doesn't have to mean anything. So now I have told a few close friends and also my brother, about my same-sex relationship and they seem fine with it. I can't see telling my parents or the people in my community. I imagine my neighbors suspect something because my girlfriend's car is always outside my house, especially when the kids are visiting with their dads (yes, I had each child with each husband - what a mess). I am a professional and my kids attend a religious school (Jewish) although there are at least two other gay families in the school. My youngest daughter has a best friend who has two moms, and they have been wonderful pillars of love and support to me as I have started upon this journey over the past year. So my struggle is this; I am fairly sure I am gay. Not 100% I can't see myself being with another man (although who knows down the line) and I love being with a woman. I have always fantasized about being with a woman when I was having sex with a man. I just have a tough time with the idea of other people knowing my business, or this, to be specific. I also feel I will be judged because the woman I am with is 14 years younger than me. I can't see my parents ever accepting this whole thing, and if they did (and they might have some clue) they wouldn't want their friends or my other extended family knowing about it. I think they would rather live in denial. I am close with my parents, and although they live in another country I see them 3-4 times a year, and usually for 6-8weeks at a time. I know this is not about them but I can't help but consider their feelings in all this because that's just how I am. The biggest issue would probably be with my most recent ex-husband, who is angry about my departure from the marriage, and has been very verbally and emotionally abusive to me over the past year, although lately he has been a lot more civil. My fear is that if he knows for sure (he has some idea) that I am gay and actively in a relationship with a woman, and if at some point I want to live with another woman, he will make a move for more or full custody of my youngest child (I live in Florida). So, for various reasons, I feel sort of trapped in the closet when ideally I would like to be a little more open with immediate family and people who are more involved in my life. My first husband knows and doesn't seem to say too much about it, but when I came out to him he asked that I keep it from my 7 year old until she is old enough to "form her own opinions about love relationships." I did not promise him this. He is incredibly ignorant for a well-educated individual, and seems to think gay is catching So that's my story. I would love to hear from anyone who has advice, support, or can relate to coming out or figuring out their sexuality in their 30's or later, or after marriage. Thanks. I am soooo glad to be here. Becky
Hi Becky and welcome to EC. Similar to you, I was married and had kids before I accepted I was gay and came out. Please read some of my past threads and posts to get a sense of what I went through. Life is so much richer now. I struggled with the transition from being known as straight to gay. In reality, the fear was much worse than the reality. People have been very supportive and understanding of the struggles I went through. Many people have also felt honored that I felt that I could come out to them. There is no rush to figure out whether you are a lesbian, bisexual or straight. I no longer really think about the labels. Sexuality is rarely absolute and runs along a continuum. Just go with what feels natural and right to you. Eventually, it will likely become clearer to you. As for your kids, there are a number of good books available on kids with gay parents. Take a look at the links on the COLAGE website. It is an organization for children of lesbian and gay parents. There is some good information on their website. http://www.colage.org/ As for your ex-husband, Florida employs the best interest of the child test with respect to child custody. If you have concerns about whether your sexuality could affect your custody arrangement, I recommend a short consultation with a Florida family law attorney who is familiar with this issue. It won’t cost you much and may give you some reassurance. Most states today do not consider a parent’s sexuality as being relevant to custody, but this is very much a question of individual state law. I found that participating on EC to be very helpful in my coming out process. You may be surprised how many of us are out there who have gone through the same thing. Welcome again, and please let us know how we can help.
Hi Becky and welcome to EC Congratulations for all the steps you already took for yourself. I'm sure your journey had been a difficult one. I'm glad you have found EC, I'm sure you'll be able to find some help and support from our "older" members. Take care, Eleanor
Eleanor and S5m1 - thank you so much for your responses. I will consult with a family law attorney and have been recommended to someone who has a thorough knowledge of gay rights in my state, and also how the judges tend to rule in my county. I am so happy to be part of this website, and look forward to participating in many of the discussions that go on here. I will also look into the Collage website and educate myself further on my parenting in this situation. I feel lucky to also have friends who have experience with this who are happy to talk to me and guide me. I really am grateful to hear from both of you. It feels good just to know I can speak, be heard, and feel safe Becky
Speaking to a lawyer would be a good idea. You might be worried about nothing. Do you have a formal custody agreement in place? If so, this shouldn't be an issue. There's no set timeline that you need to be on regarding telling other people that you're gay. I just reached the point where I didn't want to keep the life I was leading with my boyfriend separate from the life I was leading with my kids and extended family. Once my kids were old enough to know (in my opinion) I told them, and then felt free to tell other people in my life. My kids were 6 and 8 when I came out to them. The reality is that you already have a 'wedge' in your relationship with your parents. I suppose this news might make the relationship significantly different. But then again it might not. But in the end, this is your life, and it's you that is gay. If you want other people to know the real you, that's your choice. My ex wife and I keep the best interests of our kids in mind all the time. I'm glad you've found this site too. It certainly helped me feel better. I'm sure it will help you as well.
