Hey guys! I'm STRAIGHT AGAIN!!!

Why r u changing to straight now??

 

I don't think you're gonna get many takers, considering where you're asking that question.

 

...It's not April Fools day. And if you are "trying to change straight" and are gay, you're going to be one unfulfilled sad dude in time...

But if you're really bisexual, then... have fun I guess.

 

If you were telling us why you think you're staight, it would help us to give you some thought about your situation.
So, is it becaue you're ashamed of being gay ? Or because you think your life would be easier being straight ? Or have you recently discovered your attraction to women ?

 

I don't know. This seems like that "I Don't Want to Be Gay" episode on the Tyra show. That was just sad to watch. The poor guy..

Is it just because it's so hard to be gay? Or is it because you're having trouble coming out? (Because seriously, I know I can vouch for that view too and I know I'm not the only one on EC who has felt like Sh** for coming out to some people/family). Or were you curious and just realized it was a phase for you? I dunno I'm just trying to help.

 

http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/stages-of-coming-out.php

http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/coming-out-and-staying-out.php

 

Life is always easier being straight. Just as it will likely be easier to be caucasian in North America. We're not gay because "we like to feel the pain". We're gay because in our hearts, body and soul, we know we're different. And if we turn away from that difference, we can live a life, yes... but it's not as fulfilling and happy as one could live if they were honest...

Coming out is never easy. And likely won't be for several decades at least... But from what I've heard it is getting easier... and that's why EC is here to support you. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't stumbled apon it, that's for sure.

 

Well, being gay certainly isn't a cakewalk. Then again, life is never a cakewalk, even if you're straight. No matter how easy being straight looks from the gay side.

I'm fully aware that comng out and being OK feels like jumping off a cliff. Even if you have all these people telling you the safety net is there, it's still hard to jump if you can't see it. But I assure you, it's there!

I decided to become suddenly straight quite often, before I came out. Last time I did it was almost two years ago, around my 25th birthday. However, every time I decided to do the straight thing and start finding girls to date, I backed down. I had no qualms lying to myself, but I realised that dating a girl would be lying to them, and I wouldn't want to keep that up for a long period of time. Being secretly gay was something I could live with, but risking hurting a girl was something I could not.
So I usually went back to my ambition of just laying low and try not to think about being gay too much until I would sudenly wake up straight one day.

And then I did come out. Part of my motivation was a feeling I didn't have all that much of a personal life to lose anyway. And it turned out to be not much of a big deal after all. I did it in small increments, only picking the most open-minded friends at first. I was terribly afraid of no longer being "Filip", but "the gay friend" to them, but in the end, it didn't make a difference at all!

Really, when I was 24, I was where you are. At the start of 2009, it looked like it would be a year of denial like all the rest. And in the end, it became one of the best years of my life so far. So don't give up hope! It's baby steps at first, coming out and being OK with it in sall increments. But it does get better! (*hug*)

 

At first I thought that you might actually have felt more strongly attracted towards girls. In which case, ok. From the time I first thought I might be gay, say 11 or 12, there were definitely times, particularly in more recent years, where I felt I was mostly straight. I think it must fluctuate more for some people.

But if you still actually feel more attracted to boys, you can't deem yourself to be straight, any more than you could deem yourself to be three inches taller, which would probably also make your life easier.

Look, if you're finding it difficult to think about coming out, you could just do nothing for a while. Take time out, and don't try to find dates with either girls or boys. In a few months, see how you feel. If something happens, fine, but don't press for it.

The thing I'd worry about if you tried finding a girlfriend, as Filip said, is that you could make life hard for her. Suppose in the end, you're 35 before you came out, realizing you couldn't deny it any more, then you'd still have to tell everyone, and you'd have set yourself in all sorts of commitments and understandings.

But I do think you should in your mind try to avoid for a while tying yourself to straight or gay as a definition for your sexuality. Being gay clearly is uncomfortable to you, for no point insisting that you must then be straight.

 

Life CAN be effing hard being gay. But I think it's much harder trying to fit the square peg in the round hole, especially in this day and age.

I'm sorry you don't want to be gay.
I'm sorry you're having trouble accepting this aspect of your life.
I'm sorry that after the last year or so of ostensibly working on it, you've made so little progress that you'd rather just scuttle it all and give up.
But I'm mainly sorry for whatever it is that's going on behind the scenes.
Because if you really have been trying to come to grips with your sexuality for over a year, in this day and age, and have not been able to take a step in that direction...the real problem isn't your sexuality.

Lex

 

Hi, unfortunately this is a subject I can relate to entirely too well. When I was in my early twenties I made the decision that I would live the straight life. I believed I could control it, I’m in control of my life, I can say who I love and desire ( FYI - it doesn’t work that way ). I was lonely, my own doing I now realize, and so very much just wanted to get on with my life. A friend of mine introduced me to someone ( a guy ) that she thought I would get along with. We did, we hit it off immediately I had never connected with someone like I did with him. The only problem was and still is, I’m a lesbian and he’s not a woman by any stretch of the imagination. So here we are after years of marriage, 2 children, lots of ups and downs, and I just can’t live the lie any more. He is my best friend, that is what he was always supposed to be he was never meant to be my husband, but now I’m going to hurt him, disrupt my children’s lives, and confuse the hell out of everyone in my life.
My point being - you may be able to control your true desires for a while, but for how long and who will you be hurting when you can’t any more. How much will you be hurting yourself in trying to do it. I can say from experience it can be very hard and painful trying to live the straight life when you’re not. While I’m still in the closet I can’t imagine being out being any harder or more painful than how I’ve lived for the last several years.
So take my advice, be true to yourself because in the end that’s all that matters.

 

As much as you might want to just be able to say that you're straight, it's only gonna hurt you in the end. It's not a decision you can make. It's something that happens when you're born, and any gay person knows that IS the case. If it was a decision, lots of people would decide not to be gay. But as my mother told me this morning that her gay friend and her partner are having a child, i discussed some of the hardships of being gay with her (though i'm not out to her and totally kicking myself for not saying anything this morning). Her friends partner is a highschool teacher. My mom was saying that back in her day it was absolutely unheard of for gay people to even have children, let alone have a gay pregnant un-wed HIGH SCHOOL teacher (we've come a long way from that). So being gay these days is really not THAT hard, it's accepting it yourself that is hard and telling people. So as much as you might want to change it, it's really not that much easier for straight people now, and you cant so you're gonna have to get used to it eventually.

 

I used to think I could deem myself to be straight too. I was attracted to guys when I was a teenager and could never feel anything for women. Despite this, I declared that I was straight. Just like you, I was ashamed of being gay and thought my life would be easier pretending I was straight. I could not have been more wrong.

I lived life as a straight man for decades, until I was over 40. During that time, I was never able to form a meaningful relationship with a woman. As a result, despite having a circle of straight friends, girlfriends and eventually a wife, I felt entirely alone. No one knew who I really was. I was afraid of becoming close to anyone out of fear that they would figure out I was gay. Somehow, I thought that would be easier.

Despite professional success, my life felt dark and hopeless. I longed for a relationship with a man but told myself I could never have one because I deemed myself straight. I was terrified to tell anyone about my internal struggles. My depression grew deeper and deeper until I did not want to live any longer. Eating my gun seemed to be the only way out.

Eventually, through therapy, I realized how wrong I was. I came out and, shockingly, the world continued. Family, friends and colleagues did not shun me. I am still the same person I was before I came out, except I can now be honest about who I am. My depression has disappeared, and I have great, deep relationships with friends that I never had before. My relationship with my siblings has also deepened. And, best of all, I have found a partner who I love and can share the rest of my life with. Now, looking back, which life do you think is easier to live?

We do not have the option of choosing whether we are gay; however, we do have the option of deciding how we are going to live that life. You only get one life. It is up to you to choose whether to live it happy or sad. If you try to live life as a straight man, I assure you that your life will be similar to mine before I came out. You will waste a couple of decades until you finally realize what a mistake you have made. I hope you don’t make that same mistake.

 

There is no 'changing' sexual orientation, in my opinion.

You are most likely just a bisexual who, at the moment, has a preference for women.

 

I have a friend who I told all about my struggles with my sexuality. I recognized that I was attracted to men, but I was afraid of living my life gay. I told her that I considered myself bisexual, because I really really wanted to be able to love a woman, because I thought life would be so much easier if I could act straight. She told me this though, "Chaz. It is the worst thing in the world to do, to allow somebody to love you, when you have no capacity to love them back equally." I didn't believe her at first, but since then - I've had two relationships with girls, and neither of them worked at all. I hurt both of them too. I feel awful for it, and I'm so thankful that they've forgiven me since and we've managed to come out good friends from the ordeal.

 

See my post here:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31468

its one place to start. Keep in mind that Jesus told us he came not to id or condem sinners but to teach us that God loves us and that that love is unconditional. When a so-called Christian tells me that I'm a sinner I really do pray for them. As if God needs their help in judging! lol Why do they not feel free to express love, as Jesus did when he encountered the prostitute? You, me, and all the rest of us were created by God (can you tell Im Catholic?) and He loves us unconditionally. Regardless of that part of us that determines our sexuality. That said, I hope you find your way out to healthier environment to live in. matt

 

I have been where you are right now my friend. I understand the anxiety. I understand the shame. I understand being in a place where there seemingly aren't any gay people. Let me give you a little background on me.

I went to highschool in Roanoke VA. We are the heart of the bible belt also. I didn't know ANYONE growing up who was gay.

I went to a prestigious military college. In the history of that school, up to and including today, there has never been an openly gay cadet.

I worked for the DoD for several years in places where being gay can get you killed.

My point: I know how you feel. You have parents that love you but don't really know you. Your friends are cool, but don't understand you. There is NO outlet for your tension. On top of everything else, you don't really want to be gay. You just want to be like everyone else, then there wouldn't be a problem.

Now for the good part: There is a reason that this is becoming so hard. It is because you are starting to accept the fact that being gay is an unchangeable part of who you are. Once that realization sets in... it becomes extremely hard to keep it bottled up, like you have successfully done for 24 years. You can like being gay or not like it... you are gay.

The next step is to tell someone. That is terribly difficult. It is putting yourself out there in a way that guys like us are not used to doing. However, I swear on everything that I hold dear, that having someone to talk to and who really knows the real you is so fucking increadibly wonderful... it is worth the risk. It doesn't have to be your parents or your friends who don't understand. It can be a girl you know or a new friend... anyone who will keep your confidence and is ok with gays.

Another thing I went through, and I think it is one of the reasons I stayed in the closet so long (not that I am completely out now) is that by telling someone, it made something permanent about this whole situation. I couldn't untell a person that I am gay. They will know me forever as a gay person. I thought, what if I get lucky and find a girl I could stomach marrying... how can this person come to my wedding? What will they think? If this is your line of thinking (hell, i don't know) then it helped me to remind myself that this is not something that is going to change about me. I will never be marrying any girl. It is already permanent.

It's not a bad thing to be gay. It's just part of who you are. You are now 24 years old... this is your life. Get busy living it bro. If you need to move, move. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about being you. Every one of your good traits are still there... +1.(*hug*)