Thinking about leaving

Ok, I'm gonna try to advise you the best I can.

Okay so here first. My advice would be, if you've gotten yourself into a depression and the strides that you've made don't overweigh what's lacking for you then yes I would say it's time for a change of scenery. I know what you're thinking, easier said than done, but I would definitely put more thought into leaving than not.

This raises two red flags for me. One you don't feel comfortable or confident at your new job, and you have a right to. The next is that what your father would say. Thinking about yourself before you think of your child's happiness is ALWAYS a no no in my book. I understand that businessmen should have the mindset of always thinking about what's good for business but if your father's business is even mildly successful it shouldn't be a problem.

I understand your concern about this since a lot of us are always trying to gain our parents' approval. However if you explain to your dad that you've been recently feeling depressed and unhappy and you want to try and fix it by leaving and he still takes it badly, well then that says a lot more about him than it does about you; namely he's still putting himself first before the happiness of you, his child.

This is where I'm not quite following. I'm very tired, so pardon me in advance if I comprehend wrong. Do you mean you have major deals going on at work? I figure that must be what you mean. I guess my question here would be will you know about the success or non success of these deals before the interview? Because if not, then well yes it makes the whole thing a little bit more of a gamble.

I have an anecdote for this statement that I hope you will consider and I hope helps you a bit. My mother and her mother never really got along. My grandma never neglected her by any means, but was just sort of indifferent to her existence. She would often gamble any spare money she had rather than save to maybe help my mother and her sister out financially or something like that when they were older. In other words, like I've been saying, my grandma put her wants and needs before her children's. Well when my mother turned 18 after harboring that resentment for so long finally said to her, "Listen. People often say 'You're either with me or against me.' I don't care if you're with me or not, but I refuse to stay here and let you work against me dragging me down into debt and unhappiness." And she left.

Now obviously since your dad is your hero your story is a little different. But still, if you explain your case and he takes it badly and is indifferent towards your depression well then, all the more reason to leave I say.

 

Ultimately, you already know that you need to do what you feel is right,for YOU.
If you're not happy with your life,you're the one who needs to make a change that will make you happy. Depression sucks,I know that from first-hand experience.
The fact that you're gay and you're worried about your dad's reaction when you tell him,
it's going to come out eventually,anyway. I'm certainly not here to tell you what to do,that's your decision. But if this is causing you all these problems,you HAVE to do something about it. Whether you decide to tell him now ,or not,you should still go with the career that'll make you happy and fulfilled. Regret sucks as well.
Maybe you can write a pros and cons list about your situation and see which one outweighs the other. Whatever you decide to do just remember,it's your life and it's up to you to find your true happiness.
I certainly sympathize with your plight and I wish you all the best.

 

Is there absolutely NO possibility to change the date of the interview? None? Have you asked? It never hurts to ask. Because it certainly sounds like something that you should do.

Don't assume that admitting your depressed to someone automatically means that you'll be put on antidepressants. You'd be amazed at how just talking to an unbiased professional about how you're feeling or what you're struggling with can help. They can often help you plot that course of action by talking you through it and challenging your assumptions.

Have you thought of talking to your mom before your dad? I know it isn't fair to have her keep secrets from her husband of 35 years, but I bet she would for a time if you asked her to. Maybe she could offer some insight into your dad and what his reaction will be...

This is a pretty life changing decision. Good luck with it!

 

A couple thoughts.

1. I think you've explained the situation very well.
2. I think you know what you're up against.
3. I think you already know what you have to do.

I think a talk with your father is in order. I don't necessarily think you need to throw all your cards down on the table, but I think if you approach things methodically, you can get your point across without causing a major meltdown in your father. Something along the lines of this:

First off, thank him profusely for giving him the opportunity within his firm. It was really cool of him to give you the chance to prove yourself. You've given it a go for the last few years, but despite your best efforts, there are two major issues that keep coming into play.

* You don't feel you're as good at the job as you had hoped. You can get the work done, certainly, but unlike other jobs you've held, you feel like you're having to put more effort into it just to keep things going than you've had to in other endeavors.
* You're not enjoying it. You're well-aware that work is work, and they're not necessarily going to be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But at the same time, it's ceased being "just a job" and is moving more towards drudgery. You feel your "skill set" isn't well-suited to this type of career. There exist some people who are great at being polite to customers and who enjoy sitting at the same desk every day, but you simply don't appear to be one. You've given it a go to see if it's something you could learn to enjoy, or even tolerate, but that simply hasn't happened.

And therefore, rather than drag it out, you feel it's time to try something else.

You've been in talks with friends, both nearby and distant. You've talked with them about your skill set, your experience, and some various things you might like to try. And you stumbled on one possibility that you've given a lot of thought to. Your friend works in law enforcement on the West coast, and that department is looking for people with the sort of experience and objectives that you have. You've read over the job description, talked with your friend about the department, mulled it over, and come to the conclusion that this is something you think you'd be a really good match for.

Then comes the problem. The interview is going to take place during the yearly conference. You've agonized over this, since you don't want to put him on the spot, especially all he's done to get you going in the business. But at the same time, this does seem to be an opportunity that you shouldn't pass up.

...the reason I suggest doing it this way is that it makes it plain that you've considered his side, his feelings, and all he's done. And it makes it plain you're not just grumbling with a "I don't WANNA go to the conference." It paints you as a thinking, rational adult who ISN'T ungrateful for what your father has done. No, it's not like he'll think it's a wonderful idea that you've made this decision. I'll bet dollars to donuts you'll hear the word "disappointed" at least once. But it'll minimize the damage. And he might be adult enough himself to discuss it with you in a rational manner.

...and stop by Denver on your way out West, so we can have coffee.

Lex

 

As far as moving away is concerned, at some point you've gotta realize that the most important person in your life is you. I know it sounds terrible, but what's the point if you're just going to be miserable helping someone. Be happy with whatever you do, and everyone will be better off.

And as for your dad finding out, you can't really help his feelings. No matter when you tell him he'll probably react pretty much the same. It's your reaction to it that can change, so you've gotta do what makes you happy.

 

Your dad probably wont hate you. If you want to move away and do something with your life, you should. You're old enough to make decisions for yourself and if you want to move to the west coast, then do it. That doesnt mean get up and leave right this second, but do what you need to do to finish up buisness on the east coast, then move out there. You need to live your own life, not your father's life. He might get upset about it, but he should realize he's been lucky to have you follow in his footsteps this far seeing as most fathers loose their children when they go off to college. If you're not happy at the job you're doing, then it's not worth doing that job. That's always been my thought. Life is too short to not be happy in your own skin.

 

I think Lex gave you some pretty sound advice, as he tends to do. I know the industry you are in, as well as where you were and where you are contemplating going. Real estate is certainly not exciting. There can be some good money in it, but it is dry. There are days when I miss my former life, where the adrenaline rushes were for real!

If you are not happy in what you are doing, it does not matter how much money you are making. Take a chance, apply to the police department and see what happens. And, I would suggest you look at other departments around the country. I am sure there are others that are hiring. The culture of the police department, as well as the quality of life of the place you live, are all important. Look around and find a place that you like. Moreover, there are many police departments that have quite a few gay officers. Times have definitely changed in that respect.