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I keep feeling like I made a mistake for breaking up with someone.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mind Freak, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. Mind Freak

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    Like a year and a half ago I had my first and last relationship with a guy. I was so happy he was sweet and thoughtful a little over bearing but I was happy to be around him. But as the days wore on and I spent more and more time with him I started seeing how manipulative he was and he was almost really good at it to where I didn't notice.

    If there is one thing I hate, it's to be manipulated because I feel like it's an insult to my intelligence you know? But anyway. I ended up breaking up with him after 2 weeks because I couldn't handle dating someone of the same sex and he wasn't someone I wanted to come out for. I started breaking out and I would get nauseous I just couldn't do it, or I thought I couldn't. But anyway after that he wasn't so nice to me. I broke up with him horribly... y'all are going to shank me in the eye but I did it through text I think and on a day we were going to go out for a movie... Awful I know.

    So he wasn't happy with me for a while and eventually found someone on his level and they seemed pretty happy.

    Fast forward a year and some months and I seem him around all the time and when he talks to me I ask myself did I make the right choice. He's nice, smart, athletic, handsome all the things I like in a guy. And I dumped him.

    I think he still cares about me a little so if I wanted I could possibly reinitiate things but I just don't know! For one he's out and I'm not and two I can't tell if I'm attracted to him or the idea of finally having someone around for me. I'm having a hard time getting everything situated in my head because I feel like I'm pulling myself in 300 different directions.

    So does anyone have advice for me? Maybe you could share a similar experience or something?
     
  2. I think you made the right choice in breaking up with him. I of course don't know the guy personally, but if he seemed nice at first, then became more manipulative over time, perhaps you are just seeing the good in him when you talk to him, and see him around. He could become the person you broke up with again, you never know.

    I'm sure thats not what you wanna hear, but thats just my take on the situation. And dont feel bad about still thinking about him after all this time. i still ask questions and reflect on things that happened and people i knewfrom 2-3 years ago.
     
  3. Starburst

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    Location:
    Indianapolis, IN, USA & Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.
    I cannot tell you if breaking up with him was a mistake. I do not know him personally. However, there are a few things which I hope will implicitly help you settle more important riddles of the present and future.
    What most important is to figure out your current desires and how he is related to those desires. In short, where does he stand in your world? Then you can decide what actions you are taking towards him.
    From your statements, I can infer that you like him. Yes, you do. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Listen to your heart. I know this may sound... corny, but in order to enjoy the beauties and pleasures of life, to live with passion, you must learn to look at the world without grief or regret. Sometimes, even without fear. Examples are around us. Those crazy Aussie guys who love playing with crocodiles. :grin: Someone you know who skydives. Etc. You were offended. You might have even been hurt. But don't cloud your visions of what are now with the feelings of the past. He might be a different man. Give him another chance. And give you another chance, too.
    Secondly, I think you are asking the wrong question about whether it was an attraction or just a craving in loneliness. If you only want someone to be with you, you could have picked anyone, any guy you saw. Why have you decided to put him in the picture, to have spent attention to him, and to have used energy to write this concerning thread, right? Feeling attracted to someone leads to a desire to be with them, and being with them may enhance or disintegrate that attraction. Putting the interaction into a question of either this or that is non-fulfilling.
    Thirdly, it is hasty and immature to judge you now upon what you did to him a year and a half ago. You two more or less have changed. But we will take a discourse of your past actions. And I hope it will help you uncover the meaning of you two's shared past to your probably shared future. :slight_smile: Yeah, the legacy of your and his unfinished business. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    I have never been manipulated before; although, I understand the feeling of being controlled and implicitly or tacitly directed.
    For instance, I feel very angry and insecure when I learnt that my family has the knowledge of and control over what I do on the Internet. Yeah, in alike situations, we always claim a better "negotiation position" and a "refrainment of opposite side from things under our jurisdiction." But I eventually had to give in to many demands on their side, silently, if I wanted greater freedom, etc. Is that similar to the manipluation you experienced?
    I, however, found your description inconsistent. You said he was manipulative. But you also asserted that he was nice in the end. Manipulations, to my knowledge, that human kind suffers do not contain any connection to niceness. I doubt his actions should have been referred to as manipulative. Are you sure? Could it have been a rush of testosterone in the perception of moral offense that "credited" him the trait of manipulation?
    Nevertheless, what is important was that he was nice to you. And it showed that he had at least somewhat respect for you, as someone who shared a special connection with him. But you weren't nice to him. :grin: You dumped him. By texts. I suppose those messages didn't really give him the explanations he deserved. And in his view, there was in no doubt a formation of negativity about your part. My observation here is that assuming he is indeed manipulative, and he had done you much annoyance, your action was no more just morally, and not better at solving the practical friction between you two. Which eventually gives us a lesson. That we need to be tolerant and passionate. Once you care about someone, you should not walk away from them. You should not forsake them.
    Fourthly, have you ever thought that by leaving him, you have hurt yourself as well? I think you liked him. You were just at once annoyed by him. But you couldn't express yourself. Neither could you bear it any more. You couldn't deal with what you think was drama. And I know you dislike what you think of as drama. (I did a little research. :icon_bigg) So you just dropped. And ran away... And now you are filled with regret. And desires, a connection that was still there. But also fear of what might happen again. Your problem, my friend, lay in your past inability to identitfy the source of his manipulative ways and to tackle the issue directly, and difficulty in communication.
    You could have told him in sensible ways about your being offended by his actions. And then could have constructively worked things out. Here are some reasons why.
    First, you would do a good thing for yourself. You liked him, right? It's not rational to leave such "nice, smart, athletic, handsome all the things I like in a guy" guy. Second, he may be manipulative for some reasons. Get to understand why, (I am quite certain it wasn't meant to hurt you) and you may sympathize with him and help him out of it. Third, people are not born to match one another. In fact, there is no natural perfect match in this world. Successful relationships is a complicated system of compromises. :lol: And we all have to learn to love each other. "Happily ever after" with a charming prince is a childish thought.
    I hope I helped. (*hug*) Just don't bomb your bridges in case you may want to use them again, i.e. now. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. Mind Freak

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    Wow Starburst. First I want to say thank you SO much for all that. I'm not sure how, but you are right on the money. Thanks a lot that really is helpful. : D I'd hug you if you weren't hundreds and hundreds of miles away. I'm really just baffled at how you managed to say all of that from what I've said. That's insane; I love it. :wink:

    With your help I've figured out the first thing I need to do to fix things. I think an apology is in order to him even though it's really late; a year and some change late. It would definitely relieve a lot of the guilt, so that's high on my to do list.

    Secondly I do like him but I don't think I'll try to date him anymore. We're on different walks of life (he's openly gay and will soon be in college, i'm still a closet case and stuck in high school another year) I think we'd both be better off with someone who's more our own speed. He's got a lot of things to offer and I wouldn't be able to take full advantage of them stuck in the closet worried about what people with think. Although I will say it's starting to get more and more cramped in this dusty old closet, I might just bust out one of these days. ; )

    And it may not work now but down the road maybe we could have something. But for now I feel it's in my best interest to get some closure (for the both of us although he might be over it already) and make sure that we stay close and at least good friends.