I seem to play many games with myself. At my second coming to this place I accepted being gay. I then started thinking a lot of crazy thoughts. I thought I was crazy for considering myself to be gay. I then just told myself "Mike you are straight." I was going to avoid possibly being ostracized by friends and family. I have lived as a hetero all my life so it is silly to think I'm gay. I met a girl and started dating her. It did not last very long obviously. I seriously thought I was straight but for some reason I would do anything in my power to avoid anything sexual with her. I wonder why? It is very clear to me I really only desire platonic relationships with women. I will probably keep going back and forth with this stuff. I will still try to fully accept the things I know to be true. It just seems difficult to come out to everyone I know because all these people are convinced I am straight. I can keep sitting on the sidelines creating all these elaborate scenarios. Doing that is very safe but it does suck I admit. I guess it is true that all worthwhile things are difficult
Give yourself all the time you need to determine who you are. There are people in this group who seem to slide right into their homosexual identity at age 15 with ease, and there are those who literally take decades to come to terms with who they really are. Just keep at it and be honest with yourself, the picture will eventually emerge and be clear to you. By the way, the fact that you have "I'm Gay" tagged below your s/n didn't go unnoticed by me - that's already a big step just to type in those words. Your journey will consist of a whole bunch of these little steps of realization andd achievement, and they'll all build to the long-term acceptance of your sexual identity. I found that researching the spectrum of homosexuality helped me a lot. I had grown up with a lot of stereotypes and religious taboos planted in my head, and it took a long time to realize the paradox - there is an enormous gay community around the world, and yet the only thing this group shares in common is a same-sex attraction; everything else can be as individual as the person, so stereotypes are just myth. It was important for me to know that being gay is only one aspect of my personality, a defining one, but only one of the complex blend of good and bad that makes me who I am. By the way, I live not to far from Mpls, and I'm always impressed by your state. Minnesota is one of the most accepting states when it comes to homosexuality, and there is an active, vibrant and supportive gay community there. When you're ready, take full advantage of it, even if it's just to meet other gays and develop some friendships that will help you along your path to enlightenment. Oh, and I'm willing to be your friend all the way if that'll help you - think of me as your cheering section. Go you!! :eusa_clap
As someone who thought he was straight until recently too, take your time and figure it out. You're already doing great.
Mike, what you're going through is completely normal. In psychology, there's a concept called the "stages of loss" which is a process that we go through with *any* real or perceived loss... from loss of childhood to death of a loved one to loss of perception of self as "straight." The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and it sounds like you're in the place of bargaining with yourself ("Well, maybe I'm bi, or maybe I am really straight but just like being around guys some of the time") This is a very common thing among guys addressing their sexuality, and you shouldn't stress about it, or even worry too much about trying to answer the question right now; just sort of be in the moment, experience yourself, go back and forth with your feelings as you need to, and over time, whatever your individual truth is will become clear. Sexuality is a continuum, only about 10% of the population is at either end (straight or gay) and everyone else is somewhere on that continuum. So realizing that, you can explore your feelings and just see where it leads you, and decide when you're ready what label best describes you
Just give yourself time and space to figure it out. It isn't something that most people immediately know. I personally sat on the sidelines for quite a while figuring myself out, simply because I'm not the type of person to dive into a relationship, especially knowing I might hurt the other person if things turn out poorly because of my sexuality. I would feel like I was using them. You could be any multitude of things, such as pansexual, bisexual, gay, straight, etc. You've just gotta give yourself time and trust you'll figure it out eventually. I agree with James too. I lived just outside Minneapolis before I moved to college here, and it's a good state. I always support fellow Minnesotans
Hey man, I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I'm currently on the top of my "rollercoaster" (btw I hate real rollercoasters), but it has been a struggle and I know there will be more hard times ahead, but that is what makes life interesting . It sounds like to me you are pretty sure you are into guys sexually and emotionally but are just having a hard time accepting it as it is not the "norm" and you are convinced people already have certain views of you being "straight". It can be very hard to break down those views and accept yourself for who you really are, but you need to think about what will ultimately make you happy in the long run, and when I say you, I mean you, not your best friends, your family or anyone else because you are stuck with yourself for life and you may as well do things that make you happy. Also if the people around you really do care about you then that is all they really want for you as well is to be happy. There shouldn't be any rush in trying to figure this all out, you really need to take your time, having this site in your life now will hopefully be a big help as there are a lot of people that have been in similar situations and can relate. Something else that may be of some help, is don't feel like you have to label yourself, this can sometime help in terms of accepting yourself. You are Mike and that is all that matters There are many great things about you one of them being you like guys. I know this can also be a challenge because we are so use to labeling everything to make us feel more apart a community. It gives us the sense of togetherness and acceptance and not feeling all alone. This also allows a lot of room for judgments and people changing the way they view you as a person. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this its just something to keep in mind. If you think about it though, your "straight" friends probably never came out to you and said they were straight. They just started dating the opposite sex and you were fine with that. And when you think of them, you probably don't think of them as being straight but really about who they are as an individual. Some things you like about them somethings you don't, there straightness probably never crosses your mind as liking or disliking because they never labeled themselves as that so there is no reason for you to judge it. Anyway this could just be me and my crazy mind I have, but it helps me to think this way and hopefully it may help you a bit as well. So good luck and remember that we are all here for you!
There's no rush to come out to everyone, and you certainly don't have to come out to everyone all at once! And if you think YOU are going to confuse people because they've always thought you were straight, try being ME! I was married for 9 years and had two kids when I finally figured out for myself that I was gay. And yes - I worried how people would perceive that if I were to tell them. But eventually, I came to realize that it didn't really matter. The fact of the matter was that I WAS gay, and that wasn't going to change. It made more sense to come out and get that awkward moment overwith than to keep it a secret forever. Because that's what it is. An awkward moment. It isn't an awkward decade, or year, or even day. It's an awkward moment (with most people you come out to) and then you move on. So just hang out here in EC. Get comfortable in your own skin and interacting with other people who are gay. It became pretty clear to me that the gay people here were really decent and interesting people. There was nothing that they couldn't do, and no reason why they wouldn't have as fulfilling a life as the next person. And that made me feel better about my own future as a gay person. (And for the record - I was right. My life is better now than it has ever been!)
I thought of a helpful analogy. I can't possibly like sports cause I never cheer. The fact is I do enjoy sports. It has nothing to do with cheering I just think sports are entertaining and I love watching them with my friends. Crazydude I do not think you have a crazy mind. The thought you shared about straight people never proclaiming themselves to be straight really helped me. I am now much further along in the process because of what you said. I am thinking back to my first kiss and the way people reacted to it. I did not know what was "right" and what was "wrong" I just went with what I felt in my heart and kissed him. I think that experience really messed me up and is the reason I'm so afraid to be myself. I went with what I felt and in doing so was yelled at by multiple people. So in my developing mind I equated being myself to being "wrong." I imagine many people go through similar things and that is why so many have to figure out they like the same sex. It feels good to finally recognize what is going on in my mind. I feel as if a massive weight has fallen off me now. Wow I have never shared that with anyone and I feel very good for just figuring that out. I'm not gay I'm Mike and Mike likes men. It can't be any simpler than that.:lol:
Well I looked into something that I heard about here. The Kinsey scale. It makes a lot of sense. I place myself at about 5 on the scale. I'm able to look at some women and feel physical attraction but I don't want anything to do with the real emotional relationship stuff with a women. I also started thinking maybe I want to be gay cause it seems like the new cool thing. So I pictured myself going places in public with a man that is clearly my boyfriend. That scenario made me nervous but excited. I then pictured just sitting at home with a man and cuddling and playfully flirting and just doing everyday things. That thought made me happy and content. I am confident that I long for a relationship with another man. I still need to fully accept it. It's crazy how complex these things are. I know what I desire I just have to stop worrying about things I cannot control and focus on those that I can control. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know how long it is before I enter that light. All I can do is keep walking. P.S. I love abstractions and analogies.
I think what Chip said is true. There is the 5 stages of loss, and you probably went or are still going through: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. I think everyone goes through it in different points of life. whether coming out to oneself, losing someone, coming out to a parent, someone dying, etc.
