I've kept very quiet about this and have been doing a good job, but there's a point where I just need to open it up. As most of you know i'm on tour, currently I am with another tour partner while my other tour partner fixes some issues at home. He'll be back with me next week and until May. During training week he was very distant and wouldn't speak to me much. He started to annoy that while the entire group during training were hanging out with each other, he wouldn't be hanging out, he would be on the phone or skyping with his boyfriend. In fact, he had to call his boyfriend like five times a day and they txted nonstop throughout the day. I didn't get a chance to get to know him (like other partners got to know each other). These last two weeks I've really had fun, the guy I am with has been with the company for three years. So I took a backseat and have learned a lot. Now next week is going to be a new direction and chemistry. I feel as if there might be friction. I'm very opinionated when someone is very passive and that seems to open the door for me to end up being assertive, but I don't want to be. I really do want a good friend and working relationship out of this, but I feel as if its not going to happen. He is also a bad communicator. In the last few weeks I've tried to keep in the loop and he wouldn't really respond to me, finally he did and said, "Hey, I haven't been busy. I really just don't feel like talking to anyone." or I would ask him a question and he just wouldn't respond (even before I met him) I just have so much hope for this job, want to have fun and be adventurous, that I think he is going to ruin that for me. I really don't know what to say or do. Its hard to explain the connection in writing, he just reminds me of an ex of mine and that didn't work. I basically ran right over him. We would argue everyday and I use to cut him down for being so passive and for not being able to make his own decisions and also for being two-sided and self absorbed. I'm seeing that. I'm really dreading for this week to end.
Well, You only have to work with him til May. That isn't that long. Surely you can stick it out that long... Working is kind of like that. I've had a boss for the last 18 months that is a horrible communicator and leader. But you make the best of it. You modify your style to suit them to the extent that you can. You remind yourself that everyone is different, and not everyone is going to be like you. Are there any coaches or directors or something who you can go to for advice on this? I would just worry that your own performance will be perceived to be 'lacking' because your partner isn't really present for you. Otherwise, keep doing your best to reach out and be friendly.
I find that for whatever reason, i'm often given the opportunity to interact with people that are the sort that push my buttons. If I'm in the right frame of mind, or can get there, I take it as an opportunity to learn and to find ways to interact with those people favorably. If you already know that you've typically had a challenge with this sort of people, I'd suggest trying a completely different approach. Maybe giving them total space and finding other people to hang out with. Maybe reading or playing games on your phone or laptop. Maybe doing an unexpected little nice thing (get a extra coffee for him when you go out, offer to do his laundry if you're doing yours, stuff like that) here or there, without expecting that it will change anything, just to do it. I toured for 5 years in a very cramped environment (a tour bus) with 5 to 8 other people, and we rotated who shared hotel rooms with whom. So I can understand what it's like if you don't get along with someone. But I actually also found that sometimes the people I didn't think I'd get along with ended up being cool once I found out how to relate to them. As Jim said, it isn't that long a time. I'm sure if you think creatively, you can find a way to make it work
Hi Dare, I know you feel pretty certain about how this is all going to play out, but perhaps you might consider the possibility of using this as a challenge, and an opportunity to work on a relationship that is not going to be so easy. Also, maybe look at specifically why the characteristics of this person (like your ex) bother you. Another approach that I like is what Chip mentioned - random (albeit small) acts of kindness. Offering him a coffee or to play a game of cards. I have found that it is hard for other people to be negative with me when I am nice to them right off the bat. They might be negative for a little bit but they can't hold it up for too long Another possible approach might be by letting him know that you would really like to have a good working relationship for the next 4 months, and would be interested in talking to him, when he is ready, about how you can both accomplish this. Perhaps ask him how he sees you both working best together - put the ball in his court, so to speak. If he is not responsive to your attempts at friendship or a harmonious working relationship, the last resort might be to just do what you have to do with him and spend the rest of your time with other people who do appreciate you for the person that you are. Good luck, and maybe don't hesitate to vent or ask for support here if it gets to be frustrating. Becky
It sounds like you have a very specific idea in mind for what this person is supposed to do and be. And frankly, not everybody is gonna be like that. Yeah, it'd be great if you got buddy-buddy, and could give each other a lot of feedback on your performances and what not. But it seems clear that this guy is not that type of guy. He's not chatty, he's not friendly, he's not interested in that sort of working relationship. He apparently is at least decent at what he does, and isn't making you look bad.* So accept the fact that your partner is the quiet type who performs well on stage but doesn't like interacting much off. And find another group to hang out with once the curtain falls. Lex * - Yes, I know. "We'd be so much better if he'd just interact more with me and go over notes and..." That's. Not. Him.
Well, if your expectations aren't being met, then you can do two things: try to change the situation, or change the expectations! I think that in this case, it's easier to change the expectations. It's a nice ideal: having a job where you feel like you're all best friends who just happen to get paid for doing a common hobby. However, not all people have that ideal. Maybe the other guy is just looking to do his job, get paid, and not interact too much with the people he has to work with. That's not wrong, just a different mindset to approach his job with. If he is bad at what he does, then you have every right to call him out for that, but otherwise you can't demand that he turns into the colleague you want to make sure you have a more enjoyable experience. As Lex said, that's just not him. Try not to assume that there will be fighting in advance. If you're already bracing for fights and friction, you'll end up falling into a pattern of antagonising him. That way the friction becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just try to engage him every so often, and if that doesn't work, then just spend your time outside of working together socialising with the other colleagues. It's not going to be the dream scenario, but if you make the best of it, it can still be fun and adventurous!
I concede. I judged him too soon. Its still going to be a challenge with one another, but he's not that bad. We had a delightful convo when I picked him up today.
Cool deal. Just keep at it, and keep an open mind. He might not be what you expected (or thought you wanted), but that doesn't necessarily make him bad. Lex
There's quite a turn around! Now you have a whole other problem! Unless he has stopped texting his boyfriend and told you that he's available, he's not available.
