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A Gay Man Against Gay Marriage?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dtownandrew, Jan 23, 2010.

  1. Dtownandrew

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    Hi :icon_bigg

    I'm new here so I hope that I'm doing this all in the appropriate place. Ok, so I'm in my sophomore year of college and so far I've had the pretty typical experience. I'm broke, I party a little too much, and I've had a few bad relationships. But I had a new problem this week. I've been seeing this guy recently and we've hooked up a few times, and he seems like a really nice guy. The problem is he wants to make our relationship official, and I would really like to, but there are some issues that I've had with things that he's said.

    Last week, we were cuddled up on his couch and CNN was talking about the Prop 8 trial, and he said, "Pssht, I don't think it's that big of a deal." When I asked him to explain, he said that he thought Prop 8 is valid and that it wasn't a big deal because he didn't think that he was ever going to marry a guy. Not because he doesn't want to get married, he just doesn't want to marry a guy. And yesterday, he went downtown to go ice skating with this girl that he's known since high school, and he told me that he loves her and is going to marry her one day. I thought he was kidding and started laughing, but then he said he was serious. After I asked him why he would deceive a girl like that, he said because it was just what he wanted to do. He thinks that he'll be able to "become straight" for her.

    Both of these things make me really question him and our relationship viability. I'm really not ok with him thinking Prop 8 is no big deal, and I don't like the idea of being with someone who could be potentially very secretive. Why does he want to be my boyfriend when he has every intention of marrying a girl? What should I do? Help :help:
     
  2. Nitro

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    Humans come in more flavours than gay and straight so unless there is some detail I am missing it wouldn't be correct to assume he cannot have an enjoyable relationship with her. Did he ever state that we would become straight for this high school sweetheart?

    As for your relationship with him - the fact that he will not marry any guy, for reason of the person being a guy, should give you a little heads-up on your long term prospects. You write about him wanting to make your relationship official, finding out just what he means by "official" could certainly help the situation. People do all sorts of experiments in college; maybe he wants to experiment with you. Find out what he means by "official" and how this relates to this other girl to see if he is worth your time experimenting with him.
     
  3. Andromeda

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    Dump him

    First off he doesn't value your relationship because he's seeing that girl.

    That's reason enough right there.
     
  4. Revan

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    What he said. I mean I know you don't want to break up again, cuz break ups suck, but if he's that bad that he'd deceive his best friend, how do you know he wouldn't cheat on you, or deceive you, or anything bad like that? So yeah. DUMP HIM.
     
  5. Zach1992

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    The guy sounds like a real dick.
     
  6. Zumbro

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    The guy sounds like he doesn't really want to be your "boyfriend" more than he wants a fling. If that's what you want go ahead, and have fun, but there are clearly no long-term prospects.

    Ask him what he means by "official" too though. Some people say being married in the church is what it takes to be "official". If that's the case, I don't want an official marriage either. I don't want to be married in the church, nor do I believe it should allow gay marriage. It's hypocritical to them, so until the church decides to change the meaning of the bible, I want them to follow their own rules. Separation of Church and State however tells us that we can still allow gay marriage within the government however, which is what I'm aiming for.
     
  7. fulofbul

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    dump him! he definitely is not right in his mind...
     
  8. HackmanWIU

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    Done, and done.
     
  9. littledinosaurs

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    Well I would find out what your official relationship would be. If you are going to be his boyfriend you should make it clear that he should not be seeing this girl as anything more than a friend. If he can do that then why not date him. I don't know your age but assuming you're young you're probably not looking to get married anytime soon. Also I think him having an indifferent opinion about prop 8 really shouldn't be a deal breaker. It's really up to you though; if you aren't feeling a relationship with him then don't do it.
     
  10. Dtownandrew

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    By making our relationship official, he means that he wants to be my boyfriend. But after I read all of y'alls responses, I decided that I really don't want a relationship with him. I don't go into relationship when I know it'll only last a few months, which is what would happen. Thanks for the advice :eusa_danc
     
  11. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Well it sounds like you have made a decision but I'm wondering if you have had an in depth and honest discussion with him about how you feel in all of this and perhaps also about what you both want out of this relationship.

    If you are happy with the decision you have made, and feel this is the right one for you, then just leave it at that.
     
  12. Sicsemper79

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    Yeah, I tend to agree with some of the above posts. It sounds like the guy is still coming to terms with his sexuality to me. Now if you really love him or have some deep bond with the guy, then maybe it's worth exploring. If not, it's not your job to save every self hating homo out there.

    You might want to have the conversation with him, if he is willing to let his guard down... but maybe its just best to move on.
     
  13. Filip

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    First of all: welcome to EC! I hope you'll like your time here! :slight_smile:

    I don't think it's his opinion on proposition 8 that is the big deal, but his intent to marrying a girl. There are many people who don't care for marriage, even if they're straight or in a country that allows gay marriage. Being married is not a prerequisite for happiness.

    But if he still wants to marry a girl, and "become straight" then he's deceiving himself, the girl and you. And the end result if he goes through with this probably won't be nice for anyone involved.

    Frankly, to me it seems like he's still clinging to some residual hope of not having to give up the “official” ideal of having a white picket fence and a “standard” family. I know I clung to the idea of it all being a phase that I could move beyond one day. Old hopes die hard.

    I think that dumping him immediately might be a bit rash, but you definitely want to talk this trough with him more. How does he see this relationship with you progressing? Does he want to keep it just a limited time until he "turns straight" again? Does he intend to marry her and keep a guy on the side for when he can't turn straight completely? And how does this "making the relationship official" tie in to this? That seems totally contradictory to what he says about becoming straight again.

    Based on that, you'd need to decide whether it is worth it for you. If you don't feel like keeping it a relationship for a limited time then it will probably be best to just call it a day and break up. Even if he’ll come around to the idea that he’s not going to turn straight, it’s probably not best for you if you’re in the middle of it and risking a heartbreak.
     
  14. Holmes

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    Official is pretty easy to understand, it's the step up from being with that person a lot, there being a sense of exclusivity. Which obviously there wouldn't be if he has the hots for someone else.

    And on Prop 8, it's really a case of "If you don't like gay marriage, don't get a gay marriage". It mightn't mean anything for him, but it means a lot for the many, like myself, which instinctively imagine themselves marrying someone, and then remember, "Oh, I can't actually do that here".