So I have sort of a long story... I'm 19 years old and gay, and I have always kind of known but only admitted it to myself at the age of 17. At the time when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay I was so... happy. I smiled for like two weeks straight. Eventually that happiness faded because I knew I was gay but, no one else knew and still thought I was straight. I kept the secret all through my senior year of high school and the summer following. I thought that I could experiment once I got to college and I was stupid and chose a college far away, just so no one I knew would be there and there was no chance my being gay could reach my parents or any other family member. Needless to say, I'm here now and I hate it here. I just came out to my friends over Thanksgiving and I must say it was so... liberating. Of course, they told me they always suspected and were just waiting for me to tell them, saying it was something I needed to do. Initially I thought I wouldn't tell my parents until after college out of fear of dis-ownment. However, after telling my friends I kind of had what I call a "coming out frenzy" where I just wanted to live my life openly. I know there is no need to advertise my sexuality but I just want to tell those who are close to me. So when I returned to my horse sh*t school after Thanksgivivng I decided that I was going to come out to my parents at Christmas break. During the interim between the breaks I was all psyched to finally tell them and be fully free of the pressure to hide who I really am. Then when I did return time there were plenty of opportunities and I just froze and couldn't muster up that courage I thought I had to tell them. Now I have pretty loving parents and I think they would understand and be supportive but I always think about the negatives and I know that some people say they are all right with gay people but when they have a child whose gay, it can change things. So, I never told them and came back to my misery hole that I call college feeling more depressed than ever. Now that I'm back here, I once again find myself saying that I could come out no sweat but I also know that when I reach the time once more I will freeze up. I tried to blurt it out once but something just stopped me. I have been really angry the last year and half and depressed and I am attributing that to my being closeted and know that once I come out I WILL be happier but I don't know... the fear just consumes me. Has anyone else ever felt this way?? It's almost agonizing. Also the college I stupidly chose isn't exactl as gay friendly as one would think and I'm "out" so to speak here. Any and all guidance would be greatly appreciated. Sorry it was so long... I had to get it off my chest!! :help:
(*hug*) I can so relate, though I still in high school. All my friends know & I'm out at school, but when I come home I'm back in the closet. I depresses me so much to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed because if I do then I'm going to start lying... That is something that really hurts. The lying. I can say yes to "Are you gay?" at school but when asked at home I have to say no. Every time I say it it feels like another dart through my heart.
Welcome To EC! I understand what you are going through. I came to terms about my sexuality later in life about 2 years ago. I got to the point that I was comfortable with who I was. Even at 39 I was scared to death to come out to my family and my parents. I came out to my sister and she was great. She told me that my parents would be supportive. I was so happy. I tried to come out to them but I could not. The stress of NOT coming out to them was killing me. I was so stressed out, it turned into depression. I finally realized that for my sanity I HAD to tell them. I wound up writing a letter to them. I actually had the letter written for a couple of months before I gave it to them. Even though I did not give it to them right away I found it very cathartic. I gave it to them one Sunday afternoon and let them read it in front of me. I knew that I could not tell them without cracking up. they took it well and have been so supportive since. You may want to write a letter to them. There is a whole section of coming out letters in the resource section. Hope this helps.
Hi, and welcome to EC. It's great that you've taken the steps to come out, and it sounds like you've been really thoughtful throughout your process. There's no rush, unless it's one you impose on yourself. For what it's worth, I think just about everyone who comes out experiences the anxiety and false starts that you're describing; if you think about it, it's making yourself as vulnerable as you possibly can be, to people whom you care about more than anyone else. Some people find it easier to come out while at college over email or on the phone. One of my good friends composed an email, took a deep breath, sent it to his dad, then immediately freaked out and called his college friends to come over and console him. His dad called an hour or so later, made small talk, adn then finally said "I love you even more now than i did before because I realize how hard it was to keep that inside all these years." Whatever you want to do i think will be fine... whether it's waiting to tell them in person, telling them via email or over the phone, or whatever else feels right to you.
Your story is exactly like mine. I came out to a friend for the first time this last thanksgiving. With the rush I felt after that, I really wanted to tell my parents come Christmas Break. ...but I stalled. I also nearly blurted it out a couple of times. But the entire atmosphere just didn't feel like the right time. I eventually came out to my mom a few weeks ago, when we were alone together in my car. If you're curious to the whole story of what gave me the courage, I posted it in the Coming Out Section as "The Day Started with a Text..." Looking back, the reasons I had for not telling them before were just excuses. Really, nothing better than that. Not even reasons. Just want you to know you're not alone. You'll find the courage. (*hug*) And, as others have said, do it at your own pace.
I totally, totally get where you're coming from. (*hug*) You'll find that this is a common story here. I think it's because the overall feeling of coming out, the release it gives you from all the lying and trying to be someone you're not is so liberating. Once you've tasted it, you want more and more! You can sense that the end goal, openly being yourself, is in reach. But... It's easier to come out to friends, because they tend to be more supportive, they are generally from a more accepting generation, and (I don't quite know how to say this, but) they are disposable. In other words, you can lose and replace friendships much easier than you can lose your one and only family. And family dynamics can get complicated. Parents generally want their children to have kids and continue the family line, they sometimes place their dreams on their children, they may take it as a sign that they did something wrong in raising you, or they will be genuinely worried for your future and safety. That's why it's natural for it to be harder to come out to your parents. I've come out to a number of friends and my (awesome) sister, and so far everyone has been supportive and accepting. The experience has made me much happier with who I am, and I want to tell more and more people. But I still haven't told my parents, for most or all of the above reasons. I'm not happy with this, but like you I'm trying to work through it. So don't be down about it, take it in stride as a normal part of your own personal coming out process. You're not alone !
Hi! Welcome to EC! This is a really good community and I am pretty certain that you will find some great people here. Reading you post, I have to tell you it seems that you are further along than a lot of others here. That is a great thing! You are held up on talking to you parents though. I think you will find that this has been a source of anxiety for almost everyone on this forum. I am 30 and still not out to my parents... The only thing I have to add, is that you mentioned you really don't like your college right now. I don't know your whole situation, but talking to you parents about this may be a good way to talk about a transfer next semester. If you tell them that you initially thought it was a good idea to go far away to work out all this "personal stuff" you found out that this school wasn't a good fit for you. It is easy to feel stuck when you are gay and can't quite find the words (or balls) to tell the people you really care about. I felt stuck like that for many years. Now I have told some friends and am hanging out with a few gay people and it has made all the difference. Some people like to write letters, some like to do it in person, but you know you do have to do it. With the other good advice you have gotten here, I am not sure there is a whole lot else to add. Read the threads around here and answer some other people's posts too. That has been helpful to me. Good luck and welcome :smilewave
I can relate to what youre saying so well it's scary. My first year of college I also hated it. I suggest if you do not like the school you're at, you should find a new school to transfer to, I did it AND my brother did it and we're both a lot better off for it. I just recently came out to my friends at home over christmas break and have been planning/trying to come out to my parents as well. So we're in the same boat there... I have written letters and tried to say something but i have trouble leaving/sending the letters and when the best opportunities come up i freeze up and cant say anything. What we need to do is stop thinking, at least that's the conclusion i'v reached. It seems that you and I think too much about the negative things that could happen and not the positive things. Also, your parents probably wont love you less or be less accepting of gay people if they find out they have a gay son. In most situations, it's homophobic parents who become MORE accepting when they find out they have a gay child. So that isnt really a legitimate excuse. I know that I'm at a point right now where I have assured myself that my parents will always still love me, and just want me to be happy. I'm sure your parents are probably the same way. However, I think it's more important that you get to a school you really enjoy being at, or find a way to make your current situation more enjoyable. It is not fun to live somewhere that you hate. I did that for a year too, and I really just couldnt take it. Luckily I had the option of going home every weekend, which I did. It sounds like you're gonna have to make the best of it while you can, but I'd suggest finding a school you'll fall in love with because of its academics. Personally I transfered from a basic state school to an art school because I really wanted to go to school for graphic design. When I decided to go to the state school, I only really looked at the social life there, instead of the academic program. If you're happy with your academic program, it makes social life easier too.
Hi there and welcome to Empty Closets! Congratulations on your coming out journey thus far! It seems that things have gone well for you. Coming out to parents is one of the hardest things to do, and it is quite normal to feel worried as to how it might go and to try it a few times. As it was mentioned in the above posts, there are different ways of coming out. If you feel that coming out in person would be too difficult you could write/send a letter, call or e-mail your parents. Of course you can also for example write a letter for them and take it with you the next time you visit them and leave it for them to read and talk with them afterward. If you want, have a look at the coming out letters in the resource section. Also, read through the thread threads in the coming out section. You will find additional coming out letters and also how parents reacted once they read the letter or when a member came out. This could be really helpful in gaining some confidence and courage. Just before coming out to my parents, I was consumed with the thoughts and the fears or what possibly could go wrong. The more I thought about it and tried to postpone it the more my thoughts were consumed by it. I talked to a friend about his experiences on coming out to his parents, and also to friends here on EC. Talking about it and writing the letter gave me the courage to come out to my parents, and to actually go through with it. Once I wrote the letter, things didn't seem so bad anymore. I even e-mailed it to a friend here on EC for extra feedback. A minute before giving them the letter, I decided to tell them in person, but ended up reading the letter to them, because I was nervous. But as I was reading it, my nerves calmed down. I think if you can look at yourself in a mirror and say out loud "I am going to come out to my parents," without having awkward feelings or freezing up, you are ready to come out to your parents. You have mentioned that you 'hate [the college/place]' where you are at. I think the idea of a transfer is an excellent idea. If this is something you would like to look into, maybe start with looking into as to whether it is possible to transfer your credits without having to do additional course work. Have a look at the programme/courses at a college you would like to transfer to. Also, maybe make an appointment with an academic counselor either in your department or at your college's career/counseling services. I hope this helps a bit! Welcome aboard!
I want to strongly, STRONGLY echo everyone who is saying change schools. CHANGE SCHOOLS (or at least programs). At least here in Canada, you can transfer most if not all of your credits from your first and second years but after that, you'll lose your upper-level credits if you transfer somewhere else. It would even be far, far better to leave school, even temporarily, than continue spending money, time, and effort being somewhere you seem to despise so much. Granted, part of your negativity may be coming from your struggles with your sexuality but I get the impression that's not all of it. I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a school far away from home--in a lot of ways, that's a good idea. But it has to be a good fit for you. Honestly, do not make excuses to avoid making this change; it will only get harder if you leave it longer. I finished a degree in computer science even though when I was halfway through I realized it was not what I wanted to do with my life. I finished because I knew it would make me very employable. And it did, no doubt. But if I had switched programs to something I liked better, I probably would not have stayed in a career that was not very fulfilling for as long as I did and would perhaps have gone to grad school sooner and woudln't feel weird for being a 35yo Master's student when most other people in my program are in their mid20s. You need to at LEAST feel neutral about your school/work/career. I don't think it's realistic for everyone to be able to LOVE "what they do" but staying in an environment you hate is a recipe for ongoing unhappiness and honestly, you deserve better than that. When I finally decided to go back to school, I was spent about 2 weeks in the state of euphoria you described you experienced after admitting to yourself you were gay. Even though figuring it out is not necessarily going to be easy, it'll be worth it.
First off: hi, and welcome to EC! Like the others said, fear of coming out is perfectly normal. When you’ve been in the closet for years, and spinning all these elaborate disaster scenarios of what could happen if people found out, it sometimes becomes hard to believe that the outcome could be (and in most cases is) favourable as well. And even if you believe it, it seems your body and mind have internalised the reflex of avoiding the topic. Coming out to family is perhaps the hardest of coming-outs. There’s just bound to be a lot of shared history, and they’re often emotionally invested in your future in ways your friends aren’t, so don’t beat yourself up about it! I tried coming out at home several times before managing to see it through to the point where I actually told. And even after coming out to my mother and my brother, I didn’t manage to muster the courage yet to come out to other family members yet. Try not to see a “near-coming-out-experience” as a failure. It’s more like a dressed rehearsal of the main event. It feels like you didn’t do anything, but in reality you’re closer to opening the closet door than you were before! What helped for me was to make the coming-out more concrete. Even though I planned on doing it face-to-face, I wrote a letter. In the end, I didn’t need it, but it was good to have collected my thoughts by writing them down beforehand. And what eventually gave me the courage to go through with it was making a thread about it here beforehand. I basically said: “guys, I’m going to come out tomorrow, wish me luck!” Having the pressure of having people know I was going to do it helped me a lot on going through with it. I wouldn’t say the fear of losing face online was bigger than my irrational fear of what could happen if I came out, but it did help in giving me that extra push.
