I've realized that I'm co-dependent. Really co-dependent. My dad constantly goes on about how "emotionally strong" I am, even after I've grown up in a completely dysfunctional family with an abusive, mentally unstable alcoholic for a mother. But I'm realizing how wrong he is. No one understands how emotionally fragile I really am. There are so many things I can't stand about myself. When I do something wrong, even if it's small, I beat myself up over it mentally. My brain screams, "Look at that, you're a failure. You just keep screwing up. How can you possibly expect to ever make it on your own someday?" Every failed test, every forgotten household chore, every tiny mistake...things that others would simply brush off and forget about just seem to make me hate myself more and more. I can't stand it when anyone around me is upset because it makes me upset, too. It makes me upset because I desperately want to be able to make them feel better, and I feel incredibly guilty if I can't. I feel like I should know what to say to someone to make them happy, and when I can't do that, I end up feeling just as miserable as they do. I don't feel like I deserve anything good in my life. I'm with my very first girlfriend now (someone who I love more deeply than I ever thought was possible), and every day I think, "What makes me deserving of such happiness? I haven't done anything that makes me worthy. I don't deserve her." I'm desperate for love and companionship. Every day I worry that my girlfriend is going to break up with me. Every time she says something sweet, I get a sense of relief, thinking "Okay, so she still likes me NOW. But what about tomorrow? What if she decides she doesn't like me anymore?" It's so difficult for me to open up to my girlfriend because I feel like the second I let my guard down, she's going to break up with me and I'll just get hurt, EVEN THOUGH she hasn't said or done anything that would imply that at all. Along with feeling guilty, I'm constantly waiting for things in my life to go wrong, to go back to the crappy life I "deserve." I feel like everything that goes right in my life is just God teasing me, and that eventually he's going to just snatch it away from me, PROVING that I never deserved it in the first place. I can't be assertive to anyone because I'm so worried that I'm going to do something wrong. I can't object to anyone's opinions because I'm afraid I'll look like an idiot and the other person will hate me. I can barely make any physical advances toward other people (hugging, kissing, etc.) because I'm afraid they won't want it, and will hate me. Every day I mold my behavior around what seems to be at the least risk of offending others. And I hate it. I can't talk to other people about my problems because I don't feel like I deserve their help, and because I feel like I'm burdening them with my own issues. I want to go to therapy. I want to get help. I want to be able to stand on my own without constantly feeling everyone else's emotions along with my own. I just don't know where to start.
you think wayy too much about stuff i think. i think you should cut yourself some slack,and try to chill out. thinkin about negativeness aint a good thing really cos it might become an issue. i bet your alot stronger than you think. if you have grown up with an awkward life it tends to make us stronger on the outside, maybe that makes us a little more sensitive inside, but it also makes you think better.
As someone who struggles with the kinds of issues you describe, I sympathize with you on so many levels. I hope I can be of some help. The sad thing is that every time we do something mentally, our brain forms synapses that make it easier to do those things in the future. As such, every time you beat yourself up over these things, you make it more difficult to stop. However, every time you compliment yourself about something, you make it easier to do that as well. I won't tell you that when these negative thoughts strike, you should try to look at the bright side and compliment yourself instead; as someone who also struggles with those kinds of thoughts, I know that advice is useless. Instead, I have found that the best thing to do is simply change the subject in your mind. Don't let yourself think about what you are beating yourself up over at all. And when you do something right, make sure you compliment yourself on it, so that it will be easier for you to do that in the future. Try getting them to talk about their problems. 90% of the time, that is all it takes to make people feel better. If that doesn't work, you can't try saying something along the lines of, "I'm here for you." You can also try imagining what cheers you up when you are feeling down, and try doing that with other people. If all else fails, you may need to spend less time with people who ted to be upset around you. It's not selfish if your mental peace is at stake. You grew up with an "abusive, mentally unstable alcoholic for a mother," and that alone makes you deserving of such happiness. In fact, just the fact that you question whether you are deserving of such happiness means you deserve that happiness, since that questioning means you have gone through a lot of hardship in your life, and by virtue of that, you deserve to be happy. If that doesn't convince you that you deserve to be happy, then let me ask you this: do you make your girlfriend happy? Is she happy when she is around you? If so, then by reciprocity, you deserve to be happy. Though it is true that opening up your heart to someone allows them to break it, that's what love is: opening your heart up to someone and trusting that they'll respond by rewarding that risk. It's just a leap of faith you need to take. Simply by waiting for bad things to happen, you are creating a bad life for yourself. How good our lives are has as much to do with our outlook on life as it does with the things that happen to us. If you wait for bad things to happen, you will ignore all of the good things that happen to you, such as your girlfriend, or little things that happen every day that give us reasons to be happy, or Fridays. As I said before, every thought you think creates synapses that make that thought more automatic, so if you want to become optimistic, you'll need to be optimistic deliberately before it will come to you naturally. If I could sum up life in two words, they would be this: shit happens. Bad things happen to everyone, whether they "deserve" it or not, and most people don't. The fact that bad things happen to you has nothing to do with whether you "deserve" them or not, and has everything to do with the fact that you are a human being living on planet earth. Bad things happen to all undeserving people; that's just the nature of the universe. You are talking to other people here about your problems; that alone shows that, on some level, you think you deserve others' help. Regardless, those thoughts seem justifiable for you because, from one of your earlier paragraphs, it sounds like you yourself don't like it when people burden you with their issues. If that is accurate, then those thoughts are just you treating others as you would like to be treated. If it isn't, then it is simply you doubting yourself, something that you'll likely do less as you address your other problems. As for your fear of being assertive, try looking for mistakes in what other people do. It will help you realize that making mistakes is part of being human and nothing worth worrying about. If you worry about objecting to others' opinions because you think you will look stupid, try asking them to clarify their opinions instead. That way, you won't look "stupid" if you were wrong and he/she was right; it will just be a case of misunderstanding. And if they were wrong and you were right, you can use that clarification to find holes in their reasoning and let those holes expose themselves. Also, if reasonable debate leads a person to hate you, they aren't worth having as friends. As for physical advances, try following the other person's lead. If they hug, hug back. If they kiss, kiss back. As you gain more experience in social and intimate situations, you'll get a better idea of when is and isn't the right time to do those things. Therapy is a good place to start. I can say from personal experience that it is a great place to go when you are having mental issues. I encourage you to try it out.
im right there with you katherine. if you DO go into therapy and it helps, let me know! i may wind up doing the same
You're an ideal candidate for therapy. You realize you have some issues to address, you're willing to address them, and you're open to change. Most therapy clients don't start therapy with all of those in place, so it is more frustrating and difficult, both for them and for the therapist. Codependency is a very common trait among adult children of alcoholics, and if you do some reading on the subject first, you'll get a much better understanding of where your feelings come from and how you can begin to change those feelings. I strongly recommend reading "Children of Alcoholism: A Survivor's Manual" by Judith S. Seixas and Geraldine Youcha. It is one of the best books out there on ACoA issues. As far as therapy, do some research, take some time, and talk to several therapists before choosing one. Codependency and ACoA is a pretty common issue among therapy clients, but having a therapist with a lot of experience working with codependents is a good idea. I also recommend finding a therapist that focuses on a mix of psychodynamic/existential therapy techniques (which look at what the root cause of your issues are) with some cognitive/behavioral (CBT) methodology. In the US, CBT is becoming the overwhelmingly common technique becauase it's perceived as being quick and effective, but it is, in fact, a band-aid that doesn't work very well in the long term, because it just focuses on changing behaviors, rather than on understanding why the behaviors are there, and if you don't address the underlying issues, eventually they will just resurface. Don't be afraid to ask questions and spend a few minutes either on the phone or in person with a potential therapist before choosing one. And give it a few sessions and see if you feel a strong connection to the therapist; you should feel completely open and safe talking to them. If you don't, then it isn't the right fit for you and you should seek out another therapist. But... once you find the right one, you will be able to move through your issues pretty rapidly and feel some meaningful change pretty quickly. Good luck!
